Name: Mc.
Age: Centuries old, but only recently proving troublesome.
Appearance: Sinister enough to upset the status quo of government.
Is this a Scottish thing? No, it’s a British thing. British citizens are suddenly being overrun by McPeople.
Are we? I can’t say I’d noticed. Well, technically, by “British citizens” – I mean, “British MPs”, but, to my mind, they’re one and the same.
This is about the SNP, isn’t it? Not entirely. But a good number of their MPs have got surnames that begin with ‘“Mc”.
Right. Because they’re Scottish. Scottish, Irish, Nepalese, I don’t care where they come from. All I know is that they’ve buggered up the House of Commons voting system something chronic.
Have they? Yes! We’ve now got 25 MPs whose surnames begin with either Mc or Mac. This means that if you’re an MP with a surname that begins with G-M, your voting queue has now grown unconscionably long.
Really? This whole fuss is because a few MPs don’t like to queue? Yes, but don’t worry. We’ve fixed it now. From September, all politicians with G surnames will be moved over to the A-F desk to even things out a bit.
So what you’re saying is that now all the A-F politicians will have to deal with unmanageably long queues instead? Well, currently, yes. But hopefully we can offset the influx by moving the nine MPs called either Davis or Davies down to the N-S desk.
Really? But that’s where all the Smiths are. Oh, actually, you’re right. We’ve got 12 Smiths, Smyths or Smeeths, so adding the Davises and Davieses would make that too long as well. Let’s bump the Smiths down a desk.
You know there are 13 MPs called either Johnson or Jones too, right? Well that won’t do. Let’s put them down where the Davises are, move the Davises back up to H-M, put all Macs down to T-Z and keep the Mcs where they are. There. Simple.
I’m so pleased you’re in charge of the country. Me, too!
Do say: “This wouldn’t have happened if Scotland had voted for independence.”
Don’t say: “Actually, 18 Mc/Macs aren’t even Scottish MPs.”
