Sydney’s Olympic opening ceremony is finally upon us!
Good evening ladies and gents, and welcome to this Guardian liveblog from Homebush Stadium. Put down your semi-dried tomato focaccia, pull up a pew and strap in for the kind of entertainment spectacular that can only be offered by a nation swaggering confidently away from the tyranny of the Y2K bug.
The Games of the XXVII Olympiad are finally upon us and Sydney takes to the global stage with what we’re surely will be a modest and understated glimpse into the heart and soul of Australia. If you’re not tuning in on the local Seven Network, I’ve got you covered for the rest of the evening.
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0:02 “And now, the wait is over,” announces Seven’s Bruce McAvaney with his renowned gravitas. And he’s right. I’ve been hanging out for four entire years for the doyen of our Olympic coverage to reminisce about the feats of Leroy Burrell and Heike Drechsler. He hasn’t done so yet, but Muhammad Ali is now entering the stadium and hot on his heels is Chelsea Clinton. We’re off to a flyer.
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0:03 The big-name arrivals keep stepping out of the courtesy cars. Gough Whitlam and John Gorton are both in the house and so is Dawn Fraser, who’ll no doubt be lapping up this chance to mix it with all of Australia’s overseas visitors.
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0:04 Sam Riley is standing on the roof of the Opera House with the Olympic flame in her hand. “Vanessa Amorosi – what a great night for her,” says Bruce and it truly is. Amorosi, Human Nature, Nikki Webster and Julie Anthony should all be vaulted to international superstardom by night’s end.
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0:05 Prime Minister John Howard steps up now and is full of pride that his nation should be hosting this event tonight. “May the Games be contested vigorously,” he gushes. Unfortunately his advisors have hidden his green and gold tracksuit tonight so a suit will have to do. “I don’t think I’ve ever been so toey,” says John Farnham, who’ll be singing tonight. He manages to avoid an unseemly plug for his upcoming national tour but I’m sure it’s not far off.
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0:10 Speculation now centres on the way in which the Olympic cauldron will be lit and on whom the honour will be bestowed. The director of tonight’s proceedings, Ric Birch, is understandably tight-lipped though he’s provided a few decent soundbites for the press in recent times, calling Australia’s Olympic Minister Michael Knight “arrogant”.
Getting back to the cauldron, feel free to email your suggestions to russell.jackson@aol.com – I’ve got my money on Phil Smythe slam-dunking a flaming basketball into it, or perhaps Tim Forsythe Fosbury flopping over it with a Winnie Blue dangling from his lips.
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0:13 Australian team captain Andrew Gaze has stopped by looking like the world’s biggest dag in his plastic poncho. There’s a bit of rain about and the crowd are signalling their boredom with a Mexican wave. “It is the greatest show on earth,” says Bruce, but for now the Olympic stadium has all the atmosphere of boating and caravan trade show.
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0:15 “3.7 billion people have joined us,” boasts Bruce now, before rather helpfully adding: “That’s more than three billion.” He’ll be here all night with those special comments, don’t you worry.
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0:19 Ernie Dingo time! Or so they’re saying. I haven’t heard or seen him yet, but I’m sure it’ll be brilliant when he appears. The countdown is over! We’re under way. Horses! Horse after horse ridden by stockmen in Driza-bone jackets come hurtling across the arena to observe the outback tradition of riding around in circles holding flags. This is apparently a tribute to Australia’s Banjo Patterson. I haven’t got time to ask Jeeves but I assume Patterson is a chance for a medal here in Sydney. Anyway, this is the closest most Australians will ever get to a stock horse. There’s 120 of the things racing around to the tune of ‘The Man from Snowy River’. Dizzy stuff already, folks.
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0:21 Now there’s a giant banner unfurled. “G’DAY” it says, so our guess is that serial pest Peter Hore has at least been kept away from the arena. Then there’s a trumpet solo by James Morrison, who if you’re reading from overseas and unable to see or hear him, is not very much like Miles Davis at all. But good on him. He’s got a big band named Swing City behind him and they’re playing Waltzing Matilda in such a way that it sounds like the backing track to a later, straight-to-video Police Academy film in which only Michael Winslow would degrade himself.
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0:23 Golf claps for Juan Antonio Samaranch now, but at least he’s not booed. Dawn Fraser’s sitting beside him tonight. I’m sure that’ll be a hoot. Keep an eye on those flags, Juan.
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0:26 Anthem time! And it’s boy band Human Nature stepping up to the plate to start things off. Don’t know ‘em? Imagine Take That only if all of them were differing height versions of Jason Orange. One of the Aussie troupe has gone all out with the peroxide, so he looks a bit like old mate from Aqua. It’s timeless entertainment, basically.
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0:29 Geez they’ve gone a bit overboard with the horses, haven’t they? They’re still circling around. We get it, Rob. Some of the actual equestrian events themselves won’t even last this long.
0:30 Here comes young Nikki Webster, the 13-year-old star of the show. She’s probably nervous but I’m sure Australia will be entirely fair to her now and into the future no matter how things pan out tonight. She’s brought a blanket into the middle of the arena and promptly falls asleep on it, which is hopefully not a metaphor for the rest of the show.
This segment is called “Deep Sea Dreaming” and is apparently a tribute to the Great Barrier Reef, which Australians are otherwise busy destroying. Soon Webster’s flying through the air past giant jelly fish. If you’ve taken some mushrooms tonight, right now is the point at which you want to be flicking on the TV. There’s giant demented fish flying about everywhere.
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0:35 Still going with the fish and Nikki Webster is still airborne, which is nowhere near as frightening as the sight of Laurie Lawrence barking orders at imaginary swimmers on the big screen. He looks like he’s having a bad trip himself, poor Loz. “We are all inextricably linked to the sea,” says Seven’s Gary Wilkinson as an entire nation stares blankly at their TV screens. Hopefully that’ll be Lawrence’s only assault on viewers for the night.
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0:38 “G’day mob, how are ya?” asks Ernie Dingo as over 200 Aboriginal groups representing 250,000 Indigenous Australians take the stage to welcome the world. “This is an awakening.” Their performance is visually stiking and hopefully sets the stage well for one of Australia’s great gold medal hopes – Indigenous Australian Cathy Freeman, who’ll enter the 400 metres as outright Games favourite.
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0:43 “This’ll get your blood boiling” says Dingo, though there is no indication as to whether or not he’s specifically addressing Arthur Tunstall. As he does so performers begin a rhythm dance to celebrate the energy of the Torres Strait in far north Queensland.
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0:47 This is actually going pretty well, to be honest. We’d expected Daryl Somers wrapped in a Ken Done doona cover but Ric Birch is delivering so far. I guess we still can’t rule out Ozzie Ostrich or Dickie Knee.
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0:51 Now there’s flames to rid the land of “excess, unwanted life”, apparently not a reference to IOC administrators. There’s talk of the prevalence of bushires in Australia, which is a bit of a buzzkill. “Australia can be a harsh land in so many ways,” says a philosophical Wilko, “but in others, so bountiful.” I think he’s just spotted the catering buffet.
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0:53 The arena is now “regenerating” in the form of flowers springing up, though they look a little bit like crabs to me. A good reminder, then, that the athletes’ village for this Sydney Games will apparently feature an unprecedented number of condom giveaways.
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0:57 We’re still going with the flora and fauna, which you’d think would be the opportunity to bring Don Burke out for a few quick words but as yet he remains unsighted.
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1:00 Nikki Webster’s back floating around. Has she been stashed in the rafters of the stadium this entire time? Good grief. Her and an Aboriginal elder now survey “the wonder of it all”, though I fear a few Aussies might already be heading down to Blockbuster video to pick up an overnight copy of The Blair Witch Project. Don’t email me any spoilers thanks.
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1:01 Hmm, the First Fleet have arrived now. This should could be a bit awkward. Their arrival is inexplicably scored by some Wyld Stallyns style shredding electric guitar work and they appear on bicycles instead of the HM Bark Endeavour.
Hundreds of Sidney Nolan-looking Ned Kellys then storm the arena with flame-throwing rifles. Of course. “The trials of tribulations of early European settlement help to forge a unique Australian character, with its mix of pioneering spirit, of energy and ingenuity, humour and larrikinism,” explains Wilko. Perhaps they’ve skipped a few years. Doubtful that Manning Clark’s work was consulted in the creation of this segment.
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1:03 There’s kids rolling along in water tanks now, and others with random sheets of metal, all running around like madmen. If any attendees weren’t previously aware of the role of corrugated iron in Australian life, they are now.
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1:06 The “Tin symphony” finally grinds to its conclusion. I feel like I’ve just been on a school excursion to Sovereign Hill but am now at least aware that the “early prosperity” of Australia was primarily down to the hard graft of talented and brave acrobats.
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1:09 Actually, we’re still looking at a lot of corrugated iron, I can’t lie. Now it’s being turned into rural farm shacks (or sheep sheds? This soft-handed city boy can’t tell), a development that is scored by the familiar Australian soundtrack of knee-slapping, heehawing bluegrass music straight from the cutting room floor of The Beverly Hillbillies. There’s also some kids playing the most ludicrously enthusiastic game of two-up you’ll ever see. The sheep shearers are doing there thing, but the sheep are just cardboard boxes. It’s like a rural Rock Eisteddfod.
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1:12 I’m not sure what this has to do with anything, but dozens of kids in Hawiaan shirts are now pushing around Victa mowers – what with Australia being the only place on earth where people mow their lawns. At least the corrugated iron is being hauled off the stage.
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1:14 Nikki Webster is back, giving an apple to a creature that looks like a dinosaur, but whose sound effects indicate something in the equine realm. That’s a pointless segue to some stomping afrobeat music, which announces the arrival of the many migrant Australians who make up this country. Wilko seems to be having trouble identifying them so just starts reeling off as many ethnicities as he can muster. It’s all good fun though.
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1:18 The Kiwis are all blue, to represent one of the Olympic rings. That explains the green leprechauns who marched out earlier then. Sitting high in the stands, Muhammad Ali looks like he’d rather be back in the ring with Larry Holmes.
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1:22 Nikki Webster gets to sing now – something about a “world of harmony”. She nails it. Not a note or key change out of place. How level-headed is she? If anyone can buck the child star trend, surely it’s this kid.
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1:25 Been to see the Tap Dogs yet, readers? Of course you have, but it’s still great to have them here. Dozens of them are dancing about in flannelette shirts and work boots looking like the most realistic blue collar workers you’ll ever see. Soon there are hundreds of them down the stadium aisles. Want a roof leak fixed in the next few days? Forget it, the entire nation’s tradies are too busy dancing up a storm. Add in the after hours call-out fee here and the Australian tax-payer could be footing a bill for years to come.
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1:34 The tap dancers – all 650 of them – are still going, remarkably. I’m tapped out. This could have been wound up in a few minutes but they continue to plug away to diminishing returns. To quote the great sportscaster Alan Partridge, “Flatley my dear, I don’t Riverdance!”
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1:40 Lest anyone forget the link between the Games and totalitarian regimes, we’re now greeted with an imposing marching band. What else is there to say? It’s all pretty standard marching band stuff but for the Driza-Bone jackets and Akubra hats. Apparently both the composer and the head conductor of this section are MIA tonight, after a car crash and a heart attack respectively. To add insult to their injuries, Seven actually cut to our first ad break of the night. Brutal. Might be time to head to the fridge and grab a West Coast Cooler.
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1:47 Finally the teams arrive! And as per tradition, the Greeks come out first. Bruce McAvaney is back and in his element. Sailing and water polo are their strengths, he tells us. “And triathlon, which we’re all looking forward to,” lies Sandy Roberts. The American Samoans have only five competitors but they’re a real chance in the hammer throw, apparently.
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1:49 “Angola has a dubious record, particularly in basketball,” says Sandy Roberts. He of course refers to that team’s struggles against the 1992 Dream Team side, the greatest collection of superstars ever assembled on a court. Asked if he knew anything about the opposition’s chances in that game, Dream Teamer Charles Barkley infamously responded: “I don’t know anything about Angola, but I know they’re in trouble.” He was right. The Americans took it out 116-48 and Barkley top-scored with 24 points.
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1:54 There’s a lot of Olympic countries, eh? We’re only up to Bangladesh. The British Virgin Islands have only one competitor, at least making the decision on flag-bearer duties an easy call.
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2:05 The Cayman Islanders come out now and a few of the corporate backers shuffle awkwardly in their seats, perhaps making a mental note to give the accountant a call. Marcelo Rios is carrying Chile’s flag and featured in the China team is “Ming Yao”, who apparently plays basketball quite well.
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2:09 Goran Ivanisevic has his jacket slung over his shoulder but the Croatians have just cut the line and pushed in front of the Cubans, which seems a bit rude. Soon after come the Danes, whose badminton doubles pairing are “partners in real life” too, as Bruce informs the nation’s children. “Will she run and hide or will she run?” Wilko sensitively proffers as France’s Marie-Jose Perec’s name crops up. She’s going to push Freeman in the 400m final.
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2:26 There’s a lot of “they debuted in 1984 but have never won a medal” type talk at the moment, but Guatemala’s striped aqua jackets should be granted gold for in the fashion stakes. Guinea-Bissau have been “acclimatising in Wodonga”, says Sandy Roberts with a truly unprecedented combination of words, but one I fear we may never hear again in reference to elite sport.
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2:31 We’re really scraping the barrel now. Bruce is starting to claim Australian status for the potential medals won by any overseas athlete who has so much as set foot on an Aussie training track. The Italians are also filling the arena now, kitted out in slacks of alternating colours to represent the Olympic rings. It makes them look like a buff Wiggles flashmob. In 10 years or so the final part of that reference will make sense, I assure you.
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2:42 As Bruce abruptly reminds tells us that the women of Liechtenstein only got the vote in 1984, the Lithuanians usher them on and talk turns to the slightly more comfortable topic of discus, in which the latter apparently excel. The Malaysian captain is a hockey star known as “The Boss”, which is appropriate given how long this show is now dragging on.
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2:50 OK, an hour into this part of the night I’m utterly convinced that there’s too many Olympic sports. We’re only up to Norway and their Inspector Gadget overcoats. “John Ian Wing – you might know the name,” says Sandy, rather hopefully. Apparently Wing is partly responsible for all the teams marching out onto the arena like this in opening ceremonies, so we now know who to blame.
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3:14 For reasons not entirely known, Thailand’s competitiors are dressed like JR from Dallas – pastel blue jackets and cowboy-shaped hats. Juan Antonio Samaranch is still standing and still clapping, a feat of endurance unlikely to be matched at these Games. The Americans arrive too. They don’t appear to be wearing them tonight but the swimming squad apparently have t-shirts with a confrontational message for locals: “Kangaroo – it’s what’s for dinner.”
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3:25 Here come the Australians! Andrew Gaze carries the flag and wears a uniform that brings to mind a bloody mary. It’s a collaboration between Mambo (they of the “farting dog” t-shirts) and Woolmark and features a blood orange jacket with green slacks. John Howard is suddenly waving at the Aussies with both arms, like he’s trying to direct a jumbo jet.
Shane “The Hammer” Heal is filming it all on a camcorder, seemingly unaware that Seven’s broadcast team have his back. Speaking of basketballers, Ricky Grace is here in the Boomers squad too, having missed the birth of his third child to be part of the team. Grace recently told the Herald Sun that the Olympics, unlike human birth, is a “once-in-a-lifetime thing”. Elsewhere Laurie Lawrence is carrying on like a pork chop again. It looks like he’s throwing boxing kangaroos into the crowd. Act like you belong, Lawrie. “The uniforms look great,” Bruce says. He’s lying.
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3:37 All of the teams gather in the middle of the arena now as Olivia Newton-John and John Farnham take centre stage and work their way through a syrupy inspirational number called Dare To Dream. We think a Grease/Whispering Jack medley might have inspired the crowd a little more to be honest. Where’s Angry Anderson when you need him? Kieren Perkins is so bored he’s pulled out his Nokia 3210 and made a few phone calls.
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3:42 Vanessa Amorosi time now. Hmm, her song is also something else about “heroes” and bringing the whole world together as one. Heroes Live Forever, it’s called. She’s wearing a pink silk suit, which looks to have been acquired for 15 bucks in Bali. Shouldn’t she have sung Absolutely Everybody? Give the people what they want, Ric Birch.
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3:48 Eight great Australian Olympians step forward to deliver the Olympic flag. Among them are Murray Rose, Gillian Rolton, Nick Green, Marjorie Jackson (who gets a huge cheer) and everyone’s favourite, Lorraine Crapp. The whole flag thing takes an age but our only remaining interest here is which Australian will light the flame. Will Ron Clarke get a second crack at the job? Cathy Freeman? Dean Lukin? Cliffy Young? We shall soon see.
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3:55 Still no sign of the flame itself but Tina Arena steps forward with another inspirational ballad called The Flame, the lyrics of which leave little to the imagination. We’ve also got an inspirational video montage of the torch relay, so the big moment can’t be far away. Before the Games, Arena swanned into town with a rather blunt message for the kiddies of Australia: “get off your arse”. This is the kind of judgmental mindset that comes when you achieve pop star fame in France.
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3:59 The Olympic torch is in the building. Ron Clarke! Is that really him? My TV is a bit fuzzy but there’s an old bloke jogging toward the stadium carrying the flame. Celebrating 100 years of women at the Olympics, Betty Cuthbert and Raelene Boyle take the torch from old mate and Raelene pushes Betty onto the stage on a wheelchair to soak up the applause of the crowd. Are they lighting it together? It looks like it. What a moment for them and fitting reward for Boyle, who was duped out of all those gold medals by drug cheats. Oh no, Dawn Fraser has taken it from them and she jogs towards the cauldron. “If anyone epitomised the Australian larrikin spirit,” says Wilko, “it was Dawn.” Uh huh.
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4:01 Nope, it’s not Dawn. She hands it off to Shirley Strickland now. It’s like a game of pass the parcel that never ends. Strickland hands it off to Shane Gould and a massive roar echoes around the stands – she was 15 years old in Munich and still looks fit enough to compete. She sprints around the track and hands it off to Debbie Flintoff-King, the 400m hurdle champion in 1988. We’re surely getting close....
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4:05 It’s Freeman! Cathy Freeman will light the cauldron. Flintoff-King hands it to her at the bottom of a large white staircase and Freeman, clad in a white running suit, salutes the crowd before turning around and pacing up the steps and through a pool of water, in the middle of which she stops again.
Surrounded by a wall of water Freeman lights the circular frame of the cauldron and it ascends above her like a alien spaceship with a petrol leak. I’m making it sound like a Michael Bay film (and at a cost of $12 million this part of the evening has a similar budget) but it’s all quite moving. The crowd no longer knows whether to cheer, laugh or cry. They just sit in stunned silence as the choir reaches a prolonged crescendo and Freeman gazes up at her handiwork.
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4:09 Ric Birch has done it! We’re finished. After four hours of lawn mowers, corrugated iron and Ernie Dingo, the world now knows what Australia’s all about. A great nation has avoided any notable embarrassments and it’s all gone off without a single appearance from Austen Tayshus or Rodney Rude. Cathy Freeman has joined Ron Clarke in immortality by lighting the Olympic cauldron and now a date with destiny looms for her in the 400 metres as well.
All things considered, you’d have to say that tonight’s viewing was worth the wait, even if it meant missing out on Sabrina, the Teenage Witch and Party of Five. That’s all from us on the Guardian liveblog, but be sure to put your Pokemon cards aside tonight and set the VCR so as not to miss any of these Games.
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