Series two of The Real Marigold on Tour (4 December, 9pm, BBC1), and our silver-haired celebrities pitch up in China. “Which is the way to the bus?” bellows Miriam Margolyes at Chengdu airport, shattering windows within a five-mile radius. “Do you speak English?” barks TV chef Rosemary Shrager at a startled passer-by.
The show arrives hot on the heels of ITV’s Gone to Pot: American Road Trip, in which famous retirees including Christopher Biggins and EastEnders’ Pam St Clement pack their suitcases and sample a whole new culture. But where they get to ease themselves in by getting baked on world-class ganja, our gaggle simply shout at strangers.
The capital of China’s Sichuan province, Chengdu has the greatest concentration of senior citizens in the country. The Real Marigold Tour is, according to the blurb, intended as a penetrating investigation into how different nationalities choose to live in their dotage, though a more accurate precis would be “pensioners baffled by foreigners being foreign”.
Having located the bus and reached their destination, our protagonists – who along with Miriam and Rosemary also include darts champion Bobby George and ex-ballet dancer Wayne Sleep – assemble at their guesthouse. “Hi, I’m Vicky,” says their host. “Wicky?” asks Miriam. “Vicky,” replies Vicky. “Wicky,” says Rosemary. “Wicky!” exclaims everyone. “Vicky,” insists Vicky. “V-I-C-K-Y”. And on it goes.
Food proves similarly awkward. “It’s all Chinese to me, mate,” murmurs Bobby, staring dolefully at a dinner menu that has pictures of each dish. Wayne, meanwhile, is dreaming of chow mein. “I haven’t seen one beansprout since I’ve been here,” he observes, anxiously.
Things look brighter the following morning. While Rosemary and Bobby go shopping for groceries, Miriam and Wayne visit a gargantuan retail and leisure centre 22 times the size of Buckingham Palace. It also has a 400-metre pool complete with artificial beach, which is fortunate, as Miriam wants to go swimming. But when a lifeguard instructs her to wear a lifejacket due to the waves, she blows a gasket. “But I want to lap-swim,” she wails. “Oh God, it’s so disappointing ... It’s not a pool, it’s a disaster.”
Miriam, we learn, is prone to meltdowns, though her candid one-on-ones with the camera offer a seam of pathos, highlighting the melancholy, confusion and intermittent fury of old age. This, you realise, is the point of the programme. “When you’re young it’s all a thrill, it’s all amazing, it’s all a discovery,” says Miriam, sadly. “But I’m not young any more. And when you’re abroad and not in control of your environment, that inadequacy feels even sharper.”
Elsewhere, the group visit a local park where retired types exercise, sing and play games, and venture into the countryside to meet a giant panda that reduces Miriam to a weeping puddle. While there are moments of laughter, most feel discombobulated so far from home. Indeed, Miriam hasn’t had a poo in two days.
Only Wayne is in his element here, soldiering on in the face of a national beansprout shortage, and maintaining the merry look of a man milking a free holiday for all it’s worth. Next stop is Cuba, where we can expect our intrepid travellers to go tonto after seven mojitos. Bon voyage and bottoms up.
