LETS GET READY TO RUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMBLE
OOF! That’s the sound of James Collins shipping a violent kick in the swingers from Romelu Lukaku. CRUNCH! That’s James McCarthy jumping two-footed into Morgan Amalfitano’s ankles. BIFF! That’s Kevin Nolan chinning Leighton Baines with a right uppercut. INTAYA AYE ... YA BASTIRT! That’s Steven Naismith getting all Begbie from Trainspotting on Enner Valencia’s loaf. CHOP! CHOP! CHOPPITY-CHOP! That’s Mark Noble and Aaron Cresswell teaming up to repeatedly karate chop Gareth Barry in the windpipe. DIDDLY-DIDDLY-DIDDLY-DI! That’s Seamus Coleman Riverdancing all over a prone Reece Oxford. Look! His arms are by his sides as he inflicts mindless violence. RAAAAAAAAAKE! That’s Matt Jarvis scraping his studs down the back of Phil Jagielka’s calf and achilles tendon. BASH! That’s Tim Howard racing off his line as the ball sails in from a corner to punch Carlton Cole’s head clean off his shoulders. CRASH! That’s Rob Green falling over and clattering his head off a goalpost as he attempts to kick himself up the @rse.
Oh yes. The Fiver is looking forward to the orgy of violence that will be next weekend’s rumble between West Ham and Everton, now it’s emerged both teams are in danger of qualifying for next season’s Euro Vase courtesy of Uefa’s fair play ranking. With the Netherlands, England and the Republic O’Ireland having been “rewarded” with an additional slot to the first qualifying round, the choirboys of Everton and West Ham are in most danger of getting lumbered with the one given to the Premier League. Expect them to see the error of their well-behaved ways in their remaining games, as they lunge studs up into each other with abandon in the hope of fouling their way out of contention for an unwanted European odyssey that would begin on 2 July.
In what is expected to be the first match in the history of football where footballers wave imaginary red and yellow cards at the referee in an attempt to get themselves booked, the two sides meet next Saturday at Upton Park, where there’s every chance their respective managers will empty the dugouts ice hockey style in order to instigate a 90-minute brawl that will resemble a cartoon cloud with assorted fists, feet and swear words emerging from it. “The fair play assessments are made by the official Uefa delegates on criteria such as positive play, respect of the opponent, respect of the referee, behaviour of the crowd and of the team officials, as well as cautions and dismissals,” droned a Uefa statement, which may very well prompt Big Sam to distribute flares, lighters and coins to West Ham fans before the game and then write five words in programme notes that read: “On my signal, unleash hell.”
In the interests of good housekeeping, The Fiver should add that it is actually Liverpool who currently lead and will win the Premier League fair play table, but they won’t get anything for their troubles because they’re going to qualify for Europe anyway. It is the first league they’ve won in 25 years and it isn’t worth a damn. Oh Brendan.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Liverpool contacted us and talked with the player. They were also one of the clubs interested but at the end Memphis had the final decision and he chose Manchester United” – PSV Eindhoven suit Marcel Brands explains that Liverpool were one of several clubs interested in signing Memphis Depay, who is off to Manchester United.
“It wasn’t something that was ever one we were interested in” – Brendan Rodgers explains that Liverpool were not one of several clubs interested in signing Memphis Depay, who is off to Manchester United. Oh Brendan.
FIVER LETTERS
“In yesterday’s Fiver Letters, Andrew Collins wondered where The Fiver’s STOP FOOTBALL bandwagon will go once it’s left Spain. May I suggest the Ryman Premier League? Due to Enfield playing an ineligible player on two occasions earlier in the season and subsequently reaching the play-offs, football has now stopped while the FA sort the situation out” – Danny Clark.
“Further to Steve Murray’s Scottish pedantry and Fiver Ed’s commentary, it would seem the SNP voting populace of Scotland are not fans of The Fiver. That got my little grey cells working (and that is hard, I assure you). Could it be that there is insufficient coverage of the beautiful game north of the border in The Fiver’s hallowed pages? Or could it be that The Fiver deems the beautiful game north of the border is just less beautiful? Or could it simply have been that everyone in Scotland was just momentarily distracted by the election (sorry another election reference) and too busy to write in?” – Derek Moir.
“Re: John Carver maintaining that he’s the best coach in the Premier League (yesterday’s Quote of the Day). Who does he think he is? There is no way he is the best coach in the Premier League. He wasn’t even the best coach at Toronto FC and that is a very low bar. In Toronto you could basically show up with a bag of cut oranges and random Xs and Os drawn on a chalkboard and you would do better than the nine managers we have had the last nine years” – Bruce Cooper.
“Why oh why oh why? Why John, why? The man who has presided over the worst losing sequence since football was invented. The man who coached a team that went nearly two seasons without scoring from a corner. The man who coached the team that let in more goals in 2014 than the combined Bon Accord/American Samoa under-11 team would playing a team of Messi clones. The man whose motivation skills involve accusing almost the entire team of not trying (not you Tim or you Ginge) thinks he’s the best coach in the Premier League. Unless ‘coach’ is now defined as ‘the cone arranger’ and John has suddenly developed a Gok Wan-esque ability to lay them down in pretty patterns, then the man has clearly been subject to a Mike Williamson tackle to the head. The only thing more worrying is someone appointed him in the first place” – Sheridan Smith.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Bruce Cooper.
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BITS AND BOBS
Expect Manchester United to lose their final three games of the season now that Louis van Gaal has announced Michael Carrick will miss them through knack.
Sunderland skipper John O’Shea will miss his struggling side’s defeat at the hands of Everton tomorrow with rib-ouch.
Manchester City manager Manuel Pellegrini has been talking about Yaya Touré’s future at the club, but saying typically little. “We talk about next season in the right moment,” said one man who won’t be there next season, when quizzed about another man who won’t be there next season.
Leicester City boss Nigel Pearson has been named manager of the month for April. “Can you bury your head in the sand?” he asked whoever was tasked with handing over the trophy. “My guess is you can’t but I can, even though I’m not an ostrich.”
And Pelé has gone under the knife in a São Paulo hospital for a prostate problem and his condition has been described as “stable”. Get well soon, sir.
STILL WANT MORE?
Barney Ronay wonders whether this season has offered up the most boring moment in modern football. But don’t let that put you off ZZZZZZ reading his piece ZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Another Newcastle defeat, Tottenham’s scramble to avoid Euro Vase qualification, $tevie Mbe applauding Chelsea and seven other things to look out for this weekend.
Manchester United-bound winger Memphis Depay has bulging biceps, a tattoo on his lip and a Chow Chow named Simba who he thinks is as pigheaded as Louis van Gaal. Bart Vlietstra reports.
As Ipswich Town and Norwich prepare for the mother and father of Old Farm derbies, Nick Ames gets the skinny on East Anglian faction fights from former Scotland international John Wark. Meanwhile Paul Doyle has been chatting to Ipswich manager Mick McCarthy.
The Joy of Six: footballer politicians. Your returning officers: Jacob Steinberg, Nick Ames and Daniel Harris.
And coming soon … with AC Jimbo at the wheel, the Football Weekly battle bus is heading up the motorway to Manchester for a special end-of-season spectacular on Wednesday 3 June. Get your tickets here.
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