Relax, Sochi: Steven Seagal says your security is fine

Terrorists… mess with this man: we dare you. Photograph: Sportsphoto Ltd./Allstar

To Vladimir Putin's deliciously macho iceworld, now, as a Lost in Showbiz untouchable adds yet another string to his bow.

You already know that Steven Seagal's CV pegs him as everything from aikido master to energy-drink creator to reincarnated Buddhist lama. But thanks to Russian television, it now also credits him as a global security consultant. We lay our scene on self-satirising news channel Russia Today, which earlier this week featured a segment where an anchor announced: "Earlier I spoke to Steven Seagal and asked him if he thought the concern for safety at the Sochi Olympics had been overhyped."

Did you, madam? But why? We didn't find out, alas, because the studio cut straight to a linkup with Seagal in Scottsdale, Arizona. "I think you can never be too careful," assessed the Under Siege legend. "I think there's close to 70,000 security personnel between the different branches of police officers –" Steven then nonchalantly deploys the Russian for a whole list of police ranks, but I'm afraid I couldn't catch them all. "I think Sochi's going to be quite safe," he goes on. "But then again there is no 100% guarantee of absolute safety anywhere in the world wherever you go, but I think it's going to be one of the safest places around, and I think that the president of the Russian Federation is doing an amazing job to make sure it's safe for everyone …"

So there you have it. Easily my favourite security intervention since Jude Law was asked by Sky News to assess the threat level in Afghanistan, and yet another reminder that Steven is early 21st-century Earth's foremost renaissance man.