The first time I got locked up I was 14 going on 15. I'd been drinking and got arrested for fighting. It was my attitude towards people: if anyone said anything to me I didn't like, I'd smack them. I was smoking weed, taking coke, doing pills. I just wanted to forget everything and get a buzz.
I think most young people get involved in crime because of their home life. That's what turned me. I didn't get on with my Mum – we were too much alike. Our personalities just clashed. When I was 13, I was taken into care. Taking drugs made me feel better in myself, like no one else could hurt me.
I was arrested loads; I've lost count of the number of times. They know me down the station as soon as I walk in. Once I locked myself in the school toilets and painted them when I was high. I grafittied names like LS12, the postcode I was brought up in, all over the walls in red, blue and yellow. It looked pretty mint actually. The teachers didn't like it but the caretaker did. I got excluded anyway.
Why did I do it? Because I could do it. Because I got a rush when I did it. Because I thought no one would know it was me and I could sit and laugh about it without them knowing. I wanted attention. I wanted people close to me to show they cared.
Once I went out and drank so much I didn't know what I was being locked up for. They read back the charges to me and I didn't remember doing it. They'd arrested me for threatening to kill, carrying an offensive weapon and assault all in one night. The person I assaulted was a little kid. That was out of character - I didn't boast about that. I was ashamed. I was almost in tears when they told me. I don't even know what he looked like, he could walk passed me and I wouldn't even know. I'd like to apologise to him and say I was out of order.
One time when I was walking down the street my mate said that I was a "waste of space" because of the things I'd done. It broke my heart. She was one of my best mates, and my friends were all I had to keep me going then. It made me worse. I thought "no one wants me here". I took more drugs, more alcohol and ended up in hospital a few times. Looking back now I know why she said it.
Things changed when I found a new placement that was like a family. Of course there are rules to follow, but I know that if I follow them I generally get what I want. Going back to school and participating in an XL programme also helped. I came out of school with 10 GCSEs.
Now I'm on a course doing plastering, and I've been working towards my CSCS card to work on a building site. I like it because it's hands on and there's no office work. I didn't put my work in toilets on my CV though!
One day I want to have kids, but I wouldn't have them if I couldn't cope. You have to make sure you have a house and a family to support you. Without that you have no chance of bringing up a child that won't turn to drugs and crime.
