OUT OF TYNE?
It must be reassuring for Newcastle United fans, when their club has won two of the last 13 matches, zero major domestic trophies in the last 61 years, are only elevated from the foot of the Premier League by the plight of Aston Villa, and are financed in part by a controversial payday loans company, that their club’s owner, who has in effect paid his retail workers below the minimum wage, is heavily influenced by a London-based PR wonk called Keith Bishop – or as Keith is described on his company’s website, “The Bishop” – who was at St James’ Park on Saturday to witness their 3-1 loss to Bournemouth.
Quite what words of divinity Keith is whispering into Mike Ashley’s ear remains to be heard, but with Steve McClaren and his preposterous hair island bounding at high speed towards a door marked Do One with both refreshing apathy and blind confidence – “I don’t care who the manager is, but the club will get out of this” – The Fiver would bet that The Bishop has a few suggestions over a replacement. Listen up, Mike, because “aside from his stunning range of skills, Keith possesses something that no amount of money can buy and no amount of wishful thinking can acquire – experience.” Ever thought of going into management yourself, Keith?
“Money” and “thinking” might not be enough to acquire experience these days but that hasn’t stopped David Moyes, Rafa Benítez and Brendan Rodgers earning a crust in recent years – and the trio are among the frontrunners to replace McClaren, should the former England manager depart. Two-times Newcastle caretaker manager Nigel Pearson has also been mentioned and his ability to seamlessly pick up the journalist-bashing baton from McClaren, remarkably string a late-season winning run together to save the club from relegation and set them up for a tilt at the title next season could give the former Leicester man an edge.
However, the answer to Newcastle’s prayers could come from anywhere, especially when The Bishop boasts an “address book that has been compared with a particularly hefty volume of the Encyclopedia Britannica” and “counts as his friends and clients everyone from archaeologists to zoologists … while he inspires a fierce loyalty, admiration and affection, even in such a cut-throat and instantly changeable industry.” Two other football clubs with a history of good PR relations in recent years, the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers and Nasty Leeds, are also listed as clients on The Bishop’s website along with – among others – the remarkable triumvirate of Sky Sports reporter David Craig, Nancy Dell’Olio and Hulk Hogan. Whatever happens Newcastle fans, don’t worry, your club is in good hands.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
25 October 2015: “They put their legs out and I felt a touch so I went down” – Crystal Palace’s Wilfried Zaha after the game against Leicester City.
6 March: “I’ve just heard Jamie Carragher saying there was contact and [Christian] Benteke was within his rights to go down. Jamie Carragher is saying that? He’s an ex-pro. Come on. We’ve had decisions ignored this season where Wilf gets completely wiped out” – a funky Alan Pardew after Liverpool’s last-minute penalty winner against Palace on Sunday.
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FIVER LETTERS
“As an American who loves European football and would not attend his Summer Cup at gunpoint, thank you for the article on Charlie Stillitano (Friday’s Fiver). A small gesture of support has been to cancel my subscription to the satellite radio service that often features his self-obsessed, arrogant, name-dropping rubbish. I know this isn’t clever enough for The Fiver but it comes from the heart” – Loren Blinde.
“As a software developer with some experience in typography, I applaud the new-look Fiver. Also worthy of applause will be all of the buzzwords you will be able to use. Mobile first. Social as a first-class citizen. Analytics. Even technical terms like ‘viewport’ and ‘kerning’. All of which mean, roughly, that by using larger fonts and putting more space between lines, it looks like you’re writing more words than you used to. Nicely played, Fiver, nicely played” – Thad Brown.
“Please use title case for the title and subtitles and, for God’s sake, justify the text. The upper-case titles and left-alignment make it look like something from Yahoo Geocities. If you’re not gonna bother about the content, at least make it look palatable” – Iain Irvine.
“Re: the new layout. Just awful. Really! Looks like something from a decade ago” – Winsor Dobbin.
“Trevor McCarthy suggested he was probably the only person bothered by the insidious practice of ‘shepherding out’ (Friday’s Fiver letters). He isn’t. I often find myself shouting at the television as some player commits this crime. It is clear obstruction and the referees should stamp it out. On a positive note, The Fiver’s new layout looks a lot better on my mobile device than the old version and the more letters there are about that rather than football, the better it will be for my blood pressure” – Nigel Walter.
“I agree completely with Trevor McCarthy. Also, as a comment on the new design, apparently it is possible to polish a turd. Keep up the good work” – Ian DeArdo.
“Can I be the first of 1,057 old telly programme watchers to point out that Trevor has good company in this wish: John Peel brought it up on Room 101. I only remember this because I serendipitously saw bits of it yesterday, honest” – Stav (and no other old telly programme watchers).
“I remember when playing football as a small boy, being tasked with taking throw-ins as a full-back. I dreaded it every week, because I always seemed to get done by the ref for a foul throw. It seems once you’re playing in the Premier League you can chuck the ball in any old way you like and the ref won’t bat an eyelid. I’m looking at you Papa Soaré of Palace, but I know there are more. I think a bit of shame like I used to get every Saturday would stop me getting irritated every time I watch football” – Tom MacIver.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Thad Brown.
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BITS AND BOBS
Eva Carneiro has told José Mourinho that she wants him to make a public apology to her as part of any settlement in her employment case.
Arsène Wenger reckons Arsenal can still win the Premier League. “We will not give up and will fight until the end,” he whooped, fooling nobody.
Oof! What a Scottish Cup semi-final draw! It’s only Inverness Caley Thistle or Hibs v Dundee United!
Damien Delaney believes some sort of mystical witchcraft – rather than Pardew-knack – is to blame for Crystal Palace’s form. “Lord, Jesus, it’s unbelievable … I don’t know, maybe someone’s put a spell or something on us,” he wibbled.
Meanwhile Christian Benteke has vowed to battle for his Liverpool place. “I don’t give up easily. I fight till the end,” parped the man who struggled to show much of said fight in his battle against gravity at Selhurst Park.
Mark Sampson is still steaming after England lost 2-1 to Germany and crashed out of the SheBelieves Cup. “That’s two games in a row when we’ve had stonewall penalties not given to us and a ridiculous penalty against us. The officials aren’t good enough,” he harrumphed.
Swansea head coach Francesco Guidolin has been released from hospital after recovering from a chest infection.
Blogging’s Juan Mata has already started to put his week on the naughty step to good use by tapping in his latest hot take. “This Sunday I was sent off for the first time in my career. As you can imagine, it’s not easy for me to write these lines,” he in no way overreacted.
And an argument over whether Lionel Messi or Him is the world’s best footballer has led to a Nigerian man being charged with the murder of his friend. “During the conversation a quarrel has taken place,” said a police inspector. “The deceased threw a glass into the face of the accused person. The glass broke and caused small injuries. After that the accused took the broken glass and assaulted the deceased person who died due to heavy bleeding.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Fans of discussions on mechanical installations that enable railway trains to be moved from one track to another will be disappointed our talking points blog is about the weekend’s Premier League action instead.
Paolo Bandini has hopped off his Vespa for long enough to point out that Mario Balotelli and Milan might have had a steamy relationship once, but the magic’s just not there anymore.
Raphael Honigstein’s relentless efficiency means he has tapped out precisely 1,000 words on why Der Klassiker had absolutely everything except a goal.
Johanna Frändén’s interview with Marco Verratti was going quite well until David Luiz wandered in and shouted at the PSG midfielder.
Brendan Rodgers, Bobby M and Pep Guardiola: three coaches united in a footballing philosophy, but slightly less united by the fact one of them is really, really good and the other two definitely aren’t, points out Patrick Boyland.
Patrick Vieira! Andrea Pirlo! Didier Drogba! Erm … Owen Coyle! The MLS retirement home is back, baby!
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