ARE you a rank bad yin with £3000 burning a hole in your pocket?
Wife left you because you won’t stop watching videos of Robert Jenrick confronting fare dodgers on the Tube?
Then you’re in luck because now the friendless and minted can drop three grand for a "platinum pass" at Reform UK’s upcoming party conference.
You’ll get the chance to sit in a wee room! Drink champagne at breakfast with Nigel Farage! Network with some of the worst people in British public life! And it’ll only cost you four times as much as a seven nights all-inclusive holiday in Tenerife.
They are calling it the bargain of the century.
Customers will get the chance to “build relationships, expand your network, engage with political decision-makers” at the top of the Reform tree. It will be fascinating to hear their war stories from their summer fighting against a man dressed as a bin during the Clacton by-election. Even more so if they lose.
For the same price as a mid-range B&Q fitted kitchen, you get to start the day like it’s Christmas by popping the bubbly with Farage on the Saturday morning.
After that, you get to luxuriate in what Reform boast is the largest B-Matrix stand of its kind in Europe. We don’t know what that means either, but Reform apparently thought it was such a draw that they mention it no fewer than three times in the promotional material; one for every grand you’d drop buying the platinum pass.
It is described in even more glowing terms than Farage himself: “At the centre of the Platinum experience is our extraordinary bespoke 20m × 10m double-deck hospitality structure – the largest B-Matrix stand of its kind in Europe.
“This impressive, purpose-built space will provide Platinum guests with a luxurious environment in which to meet, network, dine and relax away from the main conference floor while remaining at the centre of the action.”
If you are able to peel your eyes away from the marvel that is the B-Matrix stand, the largest of its kind in Europe, you can hob nob with Farage’s hangers on. It doesn’t mention it but we wonder if there is the possibility of a personalised rant from the always charming Zia Yusuf or a lecture on quantum physics from Lee Anderson, the brains behind Reform .
After that, tuck into an exclusive three-course meal. If I had to guess, I reckon this consists of soup, overdone roast beef and a pudding revolving around custard. Oh and enough wine to have given Winston Churchill liver failure.
Reform have been panned over the offer, with SNP MP George Adam saying: "A champagne breakfast is typical of the Westminster establishment Reform UK is soaked in.
"I hope you can get advice on crypto for that money because sitting through a bunch of half-jaked pub bores all morning sounds utterly miserable."
LibDem MSP Willie Rennie swiped: "I thought Nigel usually only got out of bed for £5 million.
"Farage and Reform UK are still under investigation for receiving undeclared donations from a bitcoin billionaire. People deserve answers and transparency from their politicians, not sleaze and scandal."
But you better get your tickets fast. Due to the “exclusive nature of the experience” availability is “strictly limited”. Some might say that its appeal is, too.
