An idiot’s guide to running a byelection campaign. First, know your constituency boundaries. Sometimes easier said than done. On Tuesday morning, Lee Anderson was to be found doing a photo op for the Gorton and Denton byelection by posing outside the Stanley hotel. Which just happens to be in Angela Rayner’s constituency. Shame that someone pointed out Anderson’s mistake. He could happily have spent the next four weeks knocking on the wrong doors.
Not that Lee was in any way apologetic. He quickly tweeted that the photo he had posted clearly showed he was in the right place. Go figure. Maybe it was just the camera that moved. In any case, Reform are happy bunnies these days. Thrilled with the defections of Nadhim Zahawi, Robert Jenrick, Suella Braverman and … er, Andrew Rosindell. It’s almost as if they have no quality control. All failed Tories. They also can’t believe their luck that Keir Starmer and Andy Burnham are locked in a death spiral. A three-way marginal seat had just become a whole lot more winnable.
All that was left was to announce the Reform candidate. Which is why Anderson could be found in a Denton bistro just after lunch. This was one of Lee’s first solo gigs. Normally he is only allowed out under the supervision of Nigel Farage, Richard Tice or Zia Yusuf. Maybe discretion was the better sense of valour. The last thing the residents of Gorton and Denton wanted was to be told what was good for them by someone up for the day from London.
Lee walked to the microphone and started talking. He had been the very first Reform MP. It had been lonely on the opposition benches, squeezed in between George Galloway and Jeremy Corbyn. But things were soon on the up. Come the general election there were five MPs. Though no one in Reform mentions Rupert Lowe and James McMurdock any more. Then there was the byelection win. Who could have guessed that what Runcorn really wanted was a woman in Sarah Pochin who can’t handle seeing too many black and brown faces in the same place. Now Reform are eight along with the recent defections.
What Gorton and Denton really needed was a local man, said Lee. Nadhim’s pitch to the area, that you can pay what you want to HMRC, was too much even for Nige. Though he did sympathise. Sadly, though, Reform didn’t have any local people who were suitable. So this part of Greater Manchester was going to have to do with someone who had lived there a while ago. Someone who had left his job at the University of Kent and retreated to London to be a media gobshite for GB News. Step forward, Matt Goodwin.
The first reaction from most journalists was that Reform must be having a laugh. In a constituency where nearly half the population identify as coming from an ethnic minority, Nige had decided to stand arguably the most openly racist adjacent candidate they could find. On occasions he has even gone too far for Reform and it had seemed as if they were trying to sideline him away from the main action. The family embarrassment. But no. He was considered to be safe in the streets. Fine to say that being born and brought up in the UK did not mean that people from immigrant backgrounds were always British. That should go down a storm with Nadhim and Suella.
It also must be said that Matt is a committed conspiracy theorist. There is no rabbit hole he won’t go down, no audience that is too far-right for him not to give a speech. He was last seen on the utterly dysfunctional Liz Truss Show, her YouTube channel where she talks to people as mad as her about her pet theories. To be on her show is the nadir of anyone’s career. Just desperadoes. And a fantasist as well. Goodwin still tries to pretend he attended Donald Trump’s inauguration last year. He flew to Washington to watch it on TV. Living the far-right dream.
Matt desperately wanted to shore things up. He was the right man for the job, he insisted. He didn’t know why. Just that he was. It wasn’t that he hated all immigrants. It was more that he couldn’t exactly explain which ones he did like. Given that almost all immigrants were doing something wrong, it was reasonable to think that most black and brown faces were crims. And even if they weren’t, you would be doing them and the country a favour by locking them up as it would prevent them from turning into one of Keir Starmer’s team of pet rapists. Win-win.
I am one of you, he said. He wasn’t a member of the Westminster blob. He wasn’t a career politician. This got to Matt’s inner sadness. Because in reality he is part of the elite. Making his money by seemingly grifting racism and division as he was rejected by academia for being an unserious university lecturer. He longed for the acclaim of his erstwhile peers and only got derision and rejection. Matt has nothing to offer but hatred. If Matt does get elected, his constituents won’t see him for dust.
There is an emptiness to Matt that borders on the pathetic. He is a man incapable of empathy. This next adventure was all about him. You get the impression that he doesn’t much like other people. Prefers his own solipsistic company. Has yet to find any side of an argument in which he is wrong. His would-be constituents are just satellites of his ego. Go through the motions of looking as though he cares. There again, Gorton and Denton’s last MP didn’t like his constituents either. Andrew Gwynne sent messages in which he hoped that a 72-year-old woman would croak and a cycling campaigner would get mown down by a bus. So perhaps Reform are on to something.
Come the questions and Goodwin was soon out of his depth. He was the right man to become the MP because Matt was always the right man for everything. His ecosystem just gets smaller and smaller. A couple of local reporters asked him what he would do to make the constituency better. Matt hadn’t a clue. He hadn’t been to this part of Manchester for years. Until today. If you tipped him out of the bistro he would have no idea where he was. All he could say was that anything that was good for him would be good for Gorton and Denton.
Sensing that Matt was dying on his feet, Lee decided to wrap things up early before all journalists got to ask their questions. An act of damage limitation. Time to get Matt outdoors, where he was easier to control. Now to try to find the constituency.
The Bonfire of the Insanities by John Crace (Guardian Faber Publishing, £16.99). To support the Guardian, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.
