UP FOR THE CUP?
When Ole Gunnar Solskjær mused aloud last week that winning cup competitions is sometimes “more of an ego thing from other managers and clubs to finally win something”, The Fiver was at a complete loss to know who on earth he might have been talking about. While it was almost certainly a total coincidence that the Manchester United manager was speaking before Tottenham’s comedy exit from Big Vase but ahead of their appearance in the Sickly Sweet Caffeine Drink final, the Norwegian drastically reduced the chances of having his own ego massaged this season by masterminding Manchester United’s emphatic defeat by Leicester in the FA Cup quarter-finals.
Mindful of the fact that his employers hold the competition in such high regard that they immediately sacked the last manager to win it for them, Solskjær elected to leave his Portuguese Get Out of Jail Card on the bench, only introducing him after his Brazilian Accident Waiting To Happen happened twice. It was too late to stop Kelechi Iheanacho further riffing on Manchester United’s pain, prompting him to once again offer thanks to the man above before scaring the bejaysus out of TV viewers across the land with an impromptu roar of “COME ON!” at the end of his post-match pow-wow.
Leicester last appeared in an FA Cup semi-final 32 years ago and will play Southampton, who swatted aside a knack-ravaged Bournemouth with a minimum of fuss to earn their place in the FA Cup tombola. Having ordered a pint of whatever Iheanacho was having, Nathan Redmond channeled his inner Leo Messi to score two beauties and create another. “If we would know this, then we would change it, that’s for sure because we need a Reddy that we have seen today,” said Ralph Hasenhüttl, upon being asked why sightings of Redmond in full flow are rarer than those of Halley’s comet. “I always think about a very sensible player who is not always 100% convinced about his qualities and I think this is what we have to do.”
Southampton and Leicester both owe Dion Dublin a pint for keeping them away from Manchester City and Chelsea, who will contest the other semi-final. By their own lofty standards, City made heavyish weather of beating an Everton side whose manager had no complaints about the exit. “I am satisfied because we were beaten by the best team in the world – they are the best,” gushed Carlo Ancelotti, whose own team are currently eighth best in England but now free to focus on reclaiming their rightful place of seventh.
Chelsea, meanwhile, advanced at the expense of Sheffield United, despite not having it all their own way against the soon to be relegated side. In mentioning this match, most daily football emails worth their salt would aim towards the open goal that was David McGoldrick’s scarcely credible miss, but we’re not sure our own fragile ego could survive the hammer blow of emulating the Blades’ striker and somehow putting our effort wide.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Édouard Mendy will stay because he has an operation on his tooth. He needs to see the dentist because it needs to be done. It’s why we do it now” – Chelsea boss Tommy T makes a trip to the dentist sound even scarier than our monthly toenail-clipping session with Granny Fiver as he confirms toothache has led to his goalkeeper skipping Senegal’s Afcon qualifiers.
VOLTE-FACE OF THE DAY
21 January 2018: “The scary thing is that a large % of people now actually support these sackings as they’ve become accustomed to it … How can you build a football team without getting 2-3 years. A rule change is required to moderate sackings of managers mid season in their first year at a club” – Gary Neville says clubs can’t achieve anything if you don’t give managers time.
22 March 2021: “Salford City Football Club has parted company with Richie Wellens by mutual consent. We would like to thank Richie for his time and efforts at the club and wish him well for the future” – following a Gary Neville-led inquest into the club’s poor form, Salford City mutually consent Richie Wellens through the door marked Do One after just 122 days in the job.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Max Rushden and the pod squad invite your ears for a date with Football Weekly!
FIVER LETTERS
“I am quite sanguine, I’ve had a vaccination, my children are back in school and Brighton have even picked up a couple of points. So, if you don’t print this letter pointing out that an anagram of Martin Ødegaard is Rita Armageddøn it won’t be the end of the world” – Tony Crawford.
“I too dwell in the land of soccer and am informed, with authority, that the woof god (Friday’s Fiver letters) is not at all malignant but is in fact warm and snuggly. Rather like a border collie” – Peter Harper.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Tony Crawford.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The BBC and Sky have agreed a three-year, £24m deal to broadcast WSL matches from the 2021-22 season. “It is a landmark moment for the women’s game,” cheered FA director Kelly Simmons.
Expect Borussia Mönchengladbach’s dressing room to be filled with the sound of hipster bands from June onwards after Xabi Alonso inked a deal to replace Marco Rose as manager.
Fred has become the fifth Manchester United player to be racially abused online after his error in Manchester United’s FA Cup quarter-final defeat to Leicester. Meanwhile, police in Scotland are investigating alleged online racial abuse of Alfredo Morelos.
The Confederation of African Football has turfed Chad out of the remainder of the Cup of Nations qualifiers after accusing the government of sticking its oar into football affairs.
Mikel Arteta has praised Martin Ødegaard’s intelligence and influence after Arsenal’s comeback at West Ham. “When everyone was a little trembling he gave us that stability and that composure on the ball and he created chance after chance,” gushed the manager. Hopefully Real Madrid weren’t watching.
And Lucas Moura insists the Tottenham players are all behind José Mourinho even if a lot of the fans don’t seem to be. “We believe in the coach. We believe in the coach because we know his history,” the Brazilian parped.
STILL WANT MORE?
RIP Peter Lorimer, a Leeds legend who had dynamite in his boots.
The new WSL broadcast deal is the perfect riposte to the ‘no one cares’ brigade, writes Suzanne Wrack.
Youri Tielemans does everything and that makes him a very good midfielder indeed, so says Barney Ronay.
Ten talking points from the Premier League, WSL, Old Firm and FA Cup because we like to cover our bases.
Juve’s decline is not all Andrea Pirlo’s fault, says Nicky Bandini.
Sid Lowe on Bono and that goal for Sevilla will be appearing here soon.
Goal-guzzling Erling Haaland’s patience is wearing thin at misfiring Dortmund, reckons Andy Brassell.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
