ON THE WAYNE
Big Vase strugglers Manchester United will attempt to put themselves back on the European map tonight by beating Zorya Luhansk. That sounds like an oxymoron and the Fiver would welcome a cheap laugh in return. But, as it happens, Zorya are are likely to be stronger opponents than you might, what with them representing Luhansk, a city that is a victim of Russian militants’ attempts to redraw the aforementioned European map. That’s got to increase the Ukrainian team’s determination to make as good an impression at Old Trafford as they did when drawing 1-1 with Fenerbahce in their first group match, which was held in a temporary home. What is more, Zorya’s players have reportedly not been paid for six months. All in all, then, their players have a wealth of motivation to excel on their visit to a country where people can allegedly earn anything from £55,000 to £400,000 just to gallivant around the world chatting about football.
It is important to retain a sense of perspective about these things, of course. Zorya’s plight is thrown into sharp relief by the travails of United players such as Wayne Rooney, who has recently had to put up with people noticing his abysmal performances. He also had a bit of a sore back earlier in the week. Under the circumstances, José Mourinho thinks it may be cruel to ask the 30-year-old to play this evening.
“I am here to protect him, not to put him into difficult situations,” sobbed Mourinho. “With the situation now created around him he really cannot afford to have a performance that is not really good. I have to analyse if the best thing for him is to start the game. If he is not totally ready for it and I will discuss it with the player and the medical staff, he might start on the bench.” Surely we can all agree that that is the best place for him.
The Special One, then, intends to deploy a powerful lineup, as he knows that it is not only Rooney who risks incurring more flak in the event of another inept performance like the ones that preceded last weekend’s blip against Leicester City. “I would say we have to win all of the next four matches, which is difficult,” declared the Portuguese polemicist. “From now on the approach will be different, I will be putting more of my key players on the pitch. It is very important that we win.” And win they probably will. Otherwise the Special One can look forward to another wave of Einsteins’ theories.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“My answer would be a big fat no” – Chris Coleman succinctly sums up the allure of the England job.
QUOTE OF THE DAY (PART DEUX)
“So sorry for this story big sam! U were the right man for England and I still believe u are! Doesn’t matter what u did or what u said we all do mistakes … The most important is we still love u!” – oh Nicolas Anelka, never change. With friends like these …
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Fifa 17: the animations that didn’t quite make it into the game.
BITS AND BOBS
FC Rostov are facing a Uefa sanction for a banana-throwing incident in their Big Cup tie against PSV, despite Fifa ending racism last Monday.
Liverpool head honcho John W Henry might not bother making Anfield bigger unless he can squeeze a bit more coin out of fans. “I don’t know if there is a next step because ticket prices are an issue in England. That may foreclose further expansion. We’ll have to see,” he sniffed. Meanwhile, Jürgen Klopp has warned his Liverpool players to keep their Snapchat tidy.
Fun and games at Sunderland dept: the club have parted company with their head of medical services, Dr Ishtiaq Rehman, just days after David Moyes was forced to withdraw Patrick van Aanholt from his team to face Spurs 15 minutes before kick-off on medical advice.
Marcus Rashford, Alex Iwobi, Dele Alli and Moussa Dembélé are on a 40-man list of nominees for Europe’s pwoper nawty-sounding Golden Boy gong.
Tony Mowbray has hit the button on the Coventry City ejector seat. “Without a win in the first 10 league games, Tony felt on a professional level he was no longer able to take the club forward,” mumbled someone from within the Ricoh Arena wreckage.
West Ham will wait until after the Middlesbrough match before deciding whether to take any action against squad members who may or may not have had one too many pints of frothy mood-enhancer on Tuesday afternoon.
And Theo Walcott reckons he may finally have found some consistency. Naturally, Roy Keane is impressed: “It has taken him a while to settle at the club, hasn’t it? Ten years?” cooed Keane. “Listen, the guy needs to relax – he has had a good week. Try playing well for the next seven, eight, nine months when the real, big crunch games come. I wouldn’t get carried away about Walcott. He has got a lot to do.” Ah.
FIVER LETTERS
“Oh God. We’re going to have to hear what Southgate thinks about where/if Rooney should play on loop now as well aren’t we?” – Michael Hunt.
“I realise that we are living in a post-fact world, but I count at least three incorrect clubs in yesterday’s Scotland squad (four if you include loanees). Good to see Shortbread McFiver keeping his place – only a matter of time before he ends up at Hull” – Kenny McColl (and 1,056 others).
“Say what you like/want about The Fiver, it’s entertaining to see consecutive missives inviting us to “say what you like [or want]” about something, particularly beneath an item on how something called the Advertising Standards Authority can prohibit advertisers from saying what they like or want (at least where they want). As an American who works in advertising, the existence of such an Authority made me guffaw like The Fiver never has before. Low bar, but still” – Christopher Smith.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Christopher Smith, who wins a copy of Nige Tassell’s excellent book, The Bottom Corner, courtesy of the kind people at Penguin.
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STILL WANT MORE?
Being obsessed with Football Manager may not expose you to much sunlight or even social interaction, but it can land you a job in football, so there. Matt Stanger of The Set Pieces takes up the story.
How much do you know about Zorya Luhansk, Big Vase opponents of Manchester United tonight? Chances are, not much. Thankfully, footballing brain in a jar (TM) Jonathan Wilson can fill in the gaps with the story of how they’ve thrived in adversity and exile in recent years.
The complex global scale of the game’s greed and murky practices are now beyond the control of an FA unprepared for its role as a guardian of standards, roars Owen Gibson.
Manchester City’s 3-3 draw against The Queen’s Celtic was a breathless blur of attacking, goals and iffy defending from which The Fiver is only just recovering. It was also a timely test of the resilience of Pep Guardiola’s side, writes Jamie Jackson
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