THE BAKU BLUES
Before Wednesday’s Big Vase final there were widespread suggestions that Arsenal should boycott the event in protest at a key club member being unable to enter the country for political reasons. But, in the end, the Gunners decided not to show solidarity with Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich, who has not been allowed to watch his team’s home games for about a year now, unlike Arsenal’s owner, who can come to London any time he wants but can’t really be bothered.
So Abramovich has had to watch most of Chelsea’s matches this season from afar, possibly, indeed, on the same spaceship from which Azerbaijani cameramen filmed Big Vase final. On the basis of what The Fiver could see of that match, the red and white ants made a proper show of themselves against the ants in blue. Oh, Arsenal! You should have stayed at home and claimed a moral victory! Instead you went to Baku and displayed your delusions to the world.
“Good evening,” said the unfailingly polite Unai Emery in his pre-game interview, but that was as good as it got for Arsenal. In fairness, Emery’s team managed to avoid conceding a goal in a first half marred by Chelsea’s confusion over the stadium designers’ bold decision to locate the stands in a different city to the pitch. But once Chelsea got their game heads on, they cut through Arsenal’s defence and midfield like any competent team cuts through Arsenal’s defence and midfield. As Olivier Giroud opened the scoring, Arsenal fans found themselves wondering yet again where exactly their club is going, and is Mesut Özil really there?
Eden Hazard turned up in the second half and helped himself to a brace before hinting that those may have been his final goals for Chelsea because it is high time he left London, what with Tottenham potentially about to win Big Cup. Yes, Arsenal’s week really could get worse.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“If anything it’s been magnified more by the success. Maybe 10 years ago fans would stop in the street, thank us for the goal in the game and that would be it. Now, the club are dominating football and with the football that they are playing it makes it more iconic. I dread to think what might have happened if we hadn’t have won” – before there was Agüeroooooooooooooo, 20 years to the day, there was D1ckovvvvvvvvv.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Back in the 90s when Forest were good, I travelled by coach to watch them play Lyon. It took 17 hours each way in terrible weather conditions, the temperature dropped to -10C at the game, the ferry was nearly cancelled and – to avoid the sick in the toilets – people were urinating off the side of the ship, only to see the wind atomise their urine, then sandblast it back at them at 40mph. A lot of it was horrible and a lot of it was great and I made lifelong memories from those trips that I never would have made on a two-hour budget flight from Birmingham. I watched the Big Vase final in Dublin between Porto and Braga and it was fantastic to see a competitive game between two half-decent teams in Ireland. Since then it’s back to those bland pre-season tournaments or watching O’Ireland put 10 men behind the ball against some equally inept team. There were loads of issues with playing a game in Baku in terms of player safety, disability access and human rights, but what’s wrong with people from a small footballing nation getting to watch two good teams once every 20 years? Places being difficult to get to used to be the norm, it’s what made it fun” – Phil Pierce.
“Uefa is to be commended for its noble mitigation of fan attendance at Big Vase final. Who’d have thought that the lion’s share of the journey from London to the Baku Olympic Stadium would be due to the pitch being roughly 2,400 miles away from the stand? A rare win for the armchair pundits on this occasion, provided you managed to circumnavigate the vertigo brought on by those camera angles” – Johnny Connelly.
“Re: Jasper Valgreen’s recursive Frank Lampard mode (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Yes! Just yes. Perfect. Can we see what happens when we apply this equation to the Sky Sports News ticker?” – Andy Park.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Phil Pierce.
BITS AND BOBS
Inter have given Luciano Spalletti the boot, despite leading them back into Big Cup again. Antonio Conte is hanging around outside the San Siro waiting to replace him.
The FA has started a campaign to improve England fans’ basic social skills when abroad, called “Don’t be that idiot”. OK. “People need to have a look at themselves and start to think: if my relatives, wife or children were here with me, would it be an enjoyable experience?” finger-wagged FA corporate security suit Tony Conniford.
Palermo will not be relegated to Serie C after their punishment for administrative irregularities was cut on appeal.
Jürgen Klopp admits he still has to “kick backsides” in training to keep his players focused. “I have to push them, I have to keep them awake,” he roared. “I’m proud – very proud – but it’s not a moment to feel it; it’s a moment to really feel each muscle.”
And Tottenham keeper Hugo Lloris is desperate to win Big Cup in honour of manager Mauricio Pochettino. “I think in life or in your career there is always some amazing meeting in terms of person, and it’s been the case with Mauricio,” he cooed.
STILL WANT MORE?
Learn about the Spain and South Africa teams prior to the Women’s World Cup.
Will Arsenal act on the fact Mesut Özil and Unai Emery clearly do not have a connection, asks Amy Lawrence.
Sarri and Hazard say everything about modern Chelsea, according to Jonathan Wilson.
Toby Alderweireld is looking to exorcise some demons in Madrid, very much like when you bought that £25 Sangria, writes Paul MacInnes.
Aston Villa’s top priorities for next season are …
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