For the last two years, the Anti-Bullying Alliance has organised national Anti-Bullying Week which this year runs from 17-21 November. Aimed at tackling bullying in schools we decided to ask readers for their experiences - whether it be from childhood or later in life. From stories of people leaving their jobs to advice on how to deal with it, we received many responses, the rest of which you can read on GuardianWitness.
Childhood bullying
Manchester75 was bullied at their comprehensive school for three years because they were different and wanted to leave the town in which they lived
From vile comments made to me and false stories made up about me, my years in school where a living HELL. Yes I was different I knew this, I liked nice things, shoes and coats. But the constant verbal abuse was extremely hard, it was all started by one person then it snowballed, Nathan, let’s say he was called, sent a story round school that I had been caught having sex with an animal, this pathetic story never went away ever and the teachers at my school never did anything about the physical or verbal bullying. This made me hate school, after all who wants to go to a place where everyone is against you, where you have no support and most of all no friends.
Upon leaving this hell called school I managed to find my way to leave the small minded youths who bullied me and get a new life, there I carved out a career and an amazing home. Now new challenges lay ahead and together my husband and I are excited because its taken me 20 years to find him and now we can look ahead and I can leave the past behind.
‘Might was right’ was the lesson jimbob007 took from his experience of group shaming at boarding school.
Group Shaming
I made the mistake of crying on my first day at boarding school. I was ten and missed my parents. Missed everything, actually: our dog, my bike, the view of the lake spread out in front of us. The next two years were hell; I was the crybaby and everywhere I went I heard the sound of 'waaaaaaaaaa'. I had friends but even they would join in. Harmless, I think they thought. But it was anything but. Ever since I've harboured deep insecurities, a thin skin, a quick temper, a deep depression. The bullying ended when I lashed out at one of the key threats, and destroyed him in a fight. Might was right. A bad lesson to take forward in life.
More than 20 years on and MessyPanda is still trying to working through their childhood experience and regain their self-esteem.
I attended a prestigious grammar school in the 1990s. I was badly bullied there from start to finish. The teachers there did very little to stop it.
I left school believing I was ugly and worthless. My family tried very hard to help me, they didn’t want me to believe what the bullies said. I was even told sometimes that I was so ugly I should just go and kill myself.
In young adulthood, I found it difficult to make and keep friends or integrate into social groups. My social anxieties meant that I didn’t feel like I fitted in anywhere and I found it difficult to trust people, I was often quite self-sabotaging, doing things to damage relationships with friends and in the workplace, before they could damage me. I had little confidence in my abilities and underachieved, because I was afraid of being in the spotlight, and being judged unfavourably. I always assumed that I would be judged unfavourably, of course, because that was my experience. I never wanted to give anybody the chance to judge me so harshly again.
It’s taken me until my thirties to get over the legacy that those bullies left. As a teenager, my mind was impressionable. I assumed I had been bullied because I really was ugly, or unlikeable. I blamed myself. Ironically, the defensive mechanisms I adopted to cope actually made me less likeable, and more likely for those experiences to repeat themselves.
Trying to exorcise those demons and change how I feel about myself has taken a long time, and I’m still not entirely there yet. I am still very sensitive, and am still working on issues around exposing myself to situations where I might be criticized, and working on my defensiveness. I am consciously trying to give people the benefit of the doubt more, and I do realise that not everybody will be unpleasant or dislike me just for the way I look, speak, dress or act.
Workplace
Joe King shares his story of an intolerable boss who was later silenced thanks to his refusal to tolerate their behaviour.
Tackling highly public (and audible) meltdowns...
Once upon a time, I was working in a high-profile national charity as the direct assistant to one of its key department heads. Who dealt with the pressure of the post by having screaming matches at me that everyone in the department could hear, even though we were in two different offices down a hall away from them.
My boss used to call my phone 50 times a day - which would result in a squawking noise like you see in bygone comedies and cartoons, as a torrent of yelling would surge out of it - until Boss realised that just sitting in the office and roaring through the wall was easier than picking up the phone. So it was that I'd be holding a meeting in my office with other people - and then a blast of foul-mouthed insults and irrational orders would suddenly roar through the wall for me/anyone to take note of.
A word with our mutual Director saw me moved into the general office floor, in a large open-plan room with about 30 colleagues - whose heads would all swivel around whenever one of Boss's now necessary phone calls from down the hall came through, as The Squawk poured out for everyone to hear, accompanied by endless emails, demands, barbs and insults.
Pure and obvious bullying, in other words.
Eventually, I snapped, as the event we were all working for drew close. I had reached my limit of irrational insults, public mockery, and of being the subject of office-wide pity (and polite amusement).
I wrote a resignation email to the Director, copying my Boss and another key figure on the email, and clearly explained the irrational abuse I very publicly faced on a daily basis, copying in a few (but pointed) samples from the abusive emails I got from my Boss, complete with foul-mouthed insults, and offered my resignation with immediate effect, based on the private and public bullying that I'd experienced for many months...
Fortunately, there was a positive outcome. Perhaps in a panic at trying to replace me and my skills as The Event drew close, perhaps for simply being decent people, or perhaps as a mix of both, I was asked to stay on and work independently. No Boss, just report to the Directors, and do Whatever it is I do/did to the best of my ability. But I would have no further dealings with my Boss.
And that's exactly what happened - my Boss never, Ever spoke to me again, despite attending the same meetings (of course, Boss never acknowledged or apologised for the insults and bullying), and I felt vindicated. Many colleagues came forward to wish me well, and say that they had felt awful about my situation, but hadn't known what to do.
Ultimately, being organised, rational, and having a clear outcome in mind Should help to deal with any bullying, but the clearest lesson I learnt was not to tolerate it, but to stand up against it. Since that outcome, I've become much more confident - without overcompensating - and am much more confident about knowing when to stand up for what's right, or wrong...
One reader was a teacher in a Special School in a small town in the south Midlands which was considered to be ‘failing’ by OFSTED. A ‘crack team’ was sent in which led to the bullying of not just the reader, but their colleagues too.
The Local Authority sent in a crack team from a local (not Special) school with the all-too-obvious agenda of allowing them to take it over and turn it into an Academy. Staff were ignored when we objected to bad practice (eg children with Autism being subject to daily timetable changes). There were financial irregularities, unsafe practice by non-experts, and unfair demands and pressures on staff. I unsuccessfully raised these with managers and HR, and finally I blew the whistle at the highest possible level, with my whistleblowing letter was passed to my boss and used against me.
I count myself lucky as ‘only’ having had severe panic attacks and eight months of Prozac. A colleague was under a psychiatrist’s care for suicidal tendencies. Another was demoted whilst in Intensive Care to reduce the cost of Sick Pay.
My family and friends were amazing. I found a wonderful online forum called No More Panic and the people on there helped me through the middle-of-the-night terrors, weeping and flashbacks. I cannot thank my MP enough for the time he gave to me, his compassionate listening and his measured intervention which I am sure enabled me to get back some of the money I was due.
I am a great teacher, but my confidence is in shreds. I have considered going back on Supply - but oops, it seems my former boss is very very slow to write a reference, so I am in limbo. Whilst being unemployed is stressful, my last few weeks in work were so awful that I genuinely feel better off with an empty bank account than I did when I was there. You know that you need to take time out when an autistic child with little empathy grasps your shoulders and says, “You are stressed Miss, GO HOME AND SLEEP!”
Relationships
Hende0 tells us about her difficult relationship with her in-laws and realising that bullying happens to adults too.
Bullied by my In Laws.
I have been with my partner for 5 years now, we got together when we were young, 15. We're now 20 and should be beginning to start our adult lives together.
For the first couple of years, his parents appeared to like me. In hindsight, it's because they never expected me to be around for long, teenage love and all that. Unfortunately for them, I stuck around. We always clashed, politically we are very different. I'm left, they're right. my parter was never into politics until he got to 18, and he developed his own opinions and it turns out we're very similar. I was blamed for that.
They love the Queen, I'm a Republican. They watch I'm a Celebrity, I watch Breaking Bad. They wanted their son to be with a pretty little blonde, obedient woman who never had any opinions, and I am the opposite. I'm not even allowed in my partner's house because they thought banishing me would split us up.
The bullying began with his Mother serving me deliberately small portions in comparison to everyone else, cruel considering I'm recovering from an eating disorder and she did it because 'She'd never eat it all anyway.' It extended as the years went on to his little Sister pulling a ladder from under me, his Dad pinning me to a wall and telling me he hated 'women who dare question him'... Etcetera.
My partner suffers from chronic depression, which they blame me for. And whenever he's feeling withdrawn instead of tending to his needs, they tell our friends the reason he's like this is because I'm a horrible, negative influence.
Things got really bad when I realised they'd gone through my emails and my Facebook messages. and printed out every message where I'd mentioned them, regardless of context. They then proudly sat me down with my partner and told me they did it because they didn't want me to feel like they were never going to be in my head.
It's difficult explaining the way in which I've been bullied by my In Laws, when I hear the word 'bullying' I think of violence and extreme, abusive behaviours. I feel a little silly even suggesting that I'm being bullied, especially now I'm a proper 'grown up'.
But Bullying doesn't just happen to kids in schools or between Brothers and Sisters, it happens to adults too, except now I have no teachers or parents to run to.
Names and places have been changed to protect readers’ identities.
