Some people go straight for it. “Was that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?” said Ingrid Bergman to Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca (1942). Bang on, Bergman. “I don’t bite, you know … unless it’s called for,” said a rather nippy Audrey Hepburn to Cary Grant in Charade (1963). But the approach by Albert Brooks to Holly Hunter in Broadcast News (1987) is perhaps the most interesting: “I would give anything if you were two people, so I could call up the one who is my friend and tell her about the one I like so much.”
There is something about Brooks’s attempt at seduction that appeals. It takes a bold step forward, but then steps back to create a tempting space into which the other person might make their move. Such are the steps of seduction’s dance. It also captures the essence of the seduction game – how duplicity and honesty seem to go hand in hand, and how those involved must at least briefly appear to be someone else in order to make the transition from conversation ... to fornication. It’s trying to say: “I’m trying to fool you, but I’m telling you too.” And that’s because seduction is a lot to do with deception. A particularly exquisite exposition of such arts, dark or otherwise, comes in the 1988 film adaptation, Dangerous Liaisons. Here John Malkovich, perhaps at his most masterful, and before he fell into self-parody, proves to be a very naughty boy indeed.
Now for songs. Arguably every song is a seduction song, because so many songwriters and performers set out not only to capture their feelings in this genre, but through it also capture the attentions of those who would, perhaps, not normally find them sexually attractive. In other words, they joined a band to get the girls. Songs can serve as a step up to a better level in life, not just philosophically, or mentally, but also carnally. To put the process bluntly, and scientifically, this is genes searching for better genes, but with artistic merit. Some songs express seduction in a forthright way, others take unconventional angles. But whether their subject focuses on seducing or being seduced, or indeed both, all count in this week’s nominations.
Stepping to a wider angle, the natural world’s splendour of sound or colour leads the field in universal seduction, from the peacock’s spread of feathers to the beating chest of a gorilla, from the locked horns of rutting bull elks to the extraordinary displays of colour by various birds of paradise. But as this is all about music, surely the most skilful of seducers, alongside those prancers with plumage, is the lyrebird, whose ability to create or mimic just about any sound is enough to make one any listener swoon.
So what do we humans do? Some dress to impress, others may try to seduce with whatever chance or circumstance comes to hand. Being in possession of a small, cute dog, I’m told, can make many people melt. Well, it’s certainly a good icebreaker. Some people resort to starting conversation by asking directions or for a light, or accidentally on purpose dropping an object. But whatever the scenario, in a bar, nightclub, park, bookshop, or workplace, words are almost always the most effective tools for the choice of them reveals so much more than looks, even for more superficial creatures – ie men. So, here now, for your entertainment, I have gathered a selection of chat-up lines as experienced and related to me by female friends. Public warning: these lines are unlikely to get anyone laid and may result in mild to severe cringing.
Hi! What time do you have to be back in heaven? People call me [insert name], but you can call me tonight! Someone should call the police, because you just stole my heart! Hey love, this isn’t a beer belly, it’s a fuel tank for a love machine! Is your last name Gillette? Because you are the best a man can get! You’re so beautiful that you made me forget my chat-up line. [And finally, the frankly bizarre attempt at pathos] Would you like to come home with me? I have to wash down my parents.
Here then, from the ridiculous to the sublime, is an example of how words can indeed seduce, even if they aren’t actually coming from the person they are supposed to, but really from the mouth of the tragic, articulate hero, Cyrano de Bergerac.
History is also adorned with real-life seducers of the first order. The skills of Giacomo Casanova are well documented, but if your song nominations include mention of real people it’s also pleasing to give female seducers a mention, from Cleopatra to Catherine the Great – a woman who undoubtedly got her way – to voracious reader of men, Anaïs Nin. Seduction also has its uses beyond sexual pleasure. Double-agent dancer Mata Hari is a sexy example, and second world war honeytrap spy Amy Elizabeth “Betty” Thorpe, codemame Cynthia – did more than her duty for her country. “Wars are not won by respectable methods,” she remarked, and neither, of course, is love.
So then, waiting to be seduced by your alluring selection of songs is this week’s guru, suzi, who I’m sure is always willing to listen, but will not necessarily be easily impressed. Please also note that we have previously had topics of sexy songs and first love, but there’s is so much more to explored – and in every way you can imagine. So nominate your songs in comments below or optionally in the Spotify playlist by last orders 11pm BST on Monday 13 October for publication the select list on Thursday 16 October. Is it a date, then?
To increase the likelihood of your nomination being considered, please:
• Tell us why it’s a worthy contender.
• Quote lyrics if helpful, but for copyright reasons no more than a third of a song’s words.
• Provide a link to the song. We prefer Muzu or YouTube, but Spotify, SoundCloud or Grooveshark are fine.
• Listen to others people’s suggestions and add yours to a collaborative Spotify playlist.
• If you have a good theme for Readers recommend, or if you’d like to volunteer to compile a playlist, please email peter.kimpton@theguardian.com
• There’s a wealth of data on RR, including the songs that are “zedded”, at the Marconium. It also tells you the meaning of “zedded”, “donds” and other strange words used by RR regulars.
• Many RR regulars also congregate at the ‘Spill blog.
