Ho ho ho? No, no, no. This week's been a catalogue of misanthropy, self-loathing and seasonal ill-will. I can't say I didn't ask for it.
Let's ease ourselves into the remorselessly bleak mood with a (mercifully brief) black-metal version of Jingle Bells by the aptly named Yuletide Blasphemy. Unsettling, but not overtly offensive. Unlike the next one. Those of a sensitive disposition should look away now.
This week's subject offered rich pickings for RR's resident unreconstructed punk WyngateCarpenter. He nominated Merry Christmas I Fucked Your Snowman by 90s ne'er-do-wells Showcase Showdown "on the strength of the title alone". He adds: "Similar themes are covered on the new Kate Bush album, I understand." I like to think Dame Kate heard Showcase Showdown's unwholesome ditty before setting to work on her recent opus 50 Words for Snow.
Released on Monday is off-duty Super Furry Animal Gruff Rhys's Atheist Christmas EP, including Slashed Wrists this Christmas, a paean of despair at festive light entertainment, among other things.
Similarly, how will Lawrence from Denim, a singer who's turned feeling sorry for himself into an art form, be spending the festive season? Yes, you guessed it – crying. There's a clue in the title of the song: I Will Cry at Christmas. He's bought some ultra-soft paper hankies and cleared the schedules for some quality blubbing. RR stalwart SonOfWebcore is shedding tears too, after hearing the stark Coventry Carol, a mother's lament for her doomed child. The song – rendered here by Steeleye Span's Maddy Prior – is from a 16th-century mystery play about Herod's massacre of the innocents, a New Testament Christmas story. Is that bleak enough for you?
The Knife's Reindeer looks at Christmas from the perspective of one of Santa's exhausted little helpers, a clever warning of future wage-slavery. Its refrain – "We follow Mr Santa to the end" – hints at the shattering of childhood belief in Father Christmas.
There's more bah-humbuggery (er, if you will) courtesy of Miles Davis, not perhaps the first musician you'd ask to record a Christmas record. When Columbia Records did just that in 1962, he hooked up with lyricist and singer Bob Dorough to deliver a rant against "all the waste, all the sham, all the haste, and plain old bad taste" of Christmas.
Wagnerian choirs, folky acoustic guitars, tinkling moogs, crashing orchestral massiveness: it could only be Greg Lake wishing you a proggy Christmas. I Believe in Father Christmas may be part of the canon of seasonal pop singalongs, but it's a Trojan horse: an attack on the commercialisation of Christmas. Remember that next time you hear it as you trundle round Asda with a trollyload of discounted mince pies.
Aimee Mann's I Was Thinking I Could Clean Up for Christmas is not about a seasonal spring-clean, but about an unconvincing plan to kick addiction. Also in the drug addiction/Christmas sub-category falls the Fall, with their evergreen classic No Xmas for John Quays (John Quays = junkies. Geddit?). "How much fun would you have if Mark E Smith came round for Christmas drinks," asked RR commenter BeltwayBandit. "What's that? Not much? Oh …"
Yet more misery: a social-realist Christmas is on offer from De La Soul. The Father Christmas of their Millie Pulled a Pistol on Santa is a child-molester.
Ah well, at least there's the presents, piled (hopefully) high at the foot of the tree. But wait! After listing some groovy objects of desire, 60s garage gods the Sonics ask: "Santa Claus, won't you tell me please?/ Whatcha gonna put under my Christmas tree?/ And he just said, "Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing,/ Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing." A feast of consumerism without any gifts. Imagine: no possessions. Ugh.
Here's the playlist:
Jingle Bells – Yuletide Blasphemy
Merry Christmas I Fucked Your Snowman – Showcase Showdown
Slashed Wrists This Christmas – Gruff Rhys
I Will Cry at Christmas – Denim
Blue Xmas (To Whom it May Concern) – Miles Davis
I Believe in Father Christmas – Greg Lake
I Was Thinking I Could Clean Up for Christmas – Aimee Mann
No Xmas for John Quays – The Fall
Millie Pulled a Pistol on Santa – De La Soul
* Listen to these songs on a YouTube playlist?
* Read all the readers' recommendations on last week's blog, from which I've selected the songs above
* Here's a Spotify playlist containing readers' recommendations on this theme
* We'll reveal the next Readers Recommend topic at guardian.co.uk/readersrecommend at 10pm on Thursday 5 January
