A poll by Adobe has uncovered the most annoying phrases to receive in a work email. It is a poll rammed with all manner of passive-aggressive neediness and belligerence, but what do the phrases really mean? Here are the nine most annoying, decoded:
‘Not sure if you saw my last email’
Perhaps you were busy on a date, or having a nice time with your children or visiting your sick mother. Whatever it was, I am more important. Please work until you are dead.
‘Per my last email’
I use the word “per” now, because I want my vaguely legal-sounding vocabulary to create fear deep in your stupid bovine heart.
‘Per our conversation’
I am creating a paper trail, because this entire project is about to go tits up and I definitely want everyone to know that this whole mess is exclusively your fault, even though it is probably mine.
‘Any updates on this?’
I am phrasing this as a question because screaming “I DEMAND IMMEDIATE UPDATES!” makes me look deranged.
‘Sorry for the double email’
I am not sorry. I like sending double emails. They make me feel powerful. Tomorrow, I am going to send you a triple email, and I won’t be sorry about that, either.
‘Please advise’
I am washing my hands of this whole tawdry cock-up and dumping all responsibility on to you.
‘As previously stated’
I cannot believe you ignored one of my statements. Can you imagine if Noah had ignored God’s statement about the flood? I want you to place similar importance on a spreadsheet about office fittings that I will never even look at.
‘As discussed’
“Discussed” obviously means “demanded”. Fear me.
‘Reattaching for convenience’
I do not just want to clog up your inbox with unnecessary reminders, I want to clog up your inbox with documents you already own. Feel free to cry at your desk at the earliest convenience.
