“There’s always been Starkadders at Cold Comfort Farm” – Aunt Ada Doom
And there’s always been Archers at Brookfield farm (Dan begat Phil, and Phil begat David), but David is seriously considering selling up and moving north. “It’s like having my heart wrenched out,” he said and burst into tears. It was like the staff of the BBC being told they were moving to Salford.
His proposed destination is Prudhoe in Northumberland, to be near his mother-in-law. Yes, I know. That’s what I thought. And another thing. Prudhoe’s proudest possession is a huge stone badger, and David’s reaction to a badger is invariably to blow its head off.
The move is contingent on the dreaded route B cutting Brookfield in half. However, I learned recently from a BBC interview that long-distance lorry drivers to a man are devoted to The Archers. Wherever they are, at 7pm prompt they pull over and nestle down for a listen. On their roofs, the Somali stowaways are listening, too. It is, you see, a little touch of England in the night. Now, do you think we could get them to blockade route B?
Happily, the Ambridge women are putting on a braver face. “I was the illegitimate child of penniless artists – but enough about me!” Carol said pluckily. Jill’s voice is as brittle as peanut brittle whenever the sale of Brookfield is mentioned. Helen has taken to domesticity like a duck, which involves making a lot of damson jam and saying, “Oh, poor you!” to the boa constrictor she is living with. And Lynda, her dramatic talents rejected on all sides, has gamely decided to put on a one-woman show, A Night with Mrs Snell.
Dry your eyes, David. It is, of course, inconceivable that Brookfield should be sold. How can you buy Killarney? I once watched Dominic Behan singing this while standing on his head and drinking a pint of Guinness. He had reached “A fond mother’s sighs” before this proved impracticable. Even The Archers’ exciting new editor, whose name is Sean O’Connor, must appreciate that Killarney is not for sale.
• A Month in Ambridge returns on 19 November
