Imagine knowing you have a tumour embedded on your spine that has to be removed but understanding the surgery has a high risk of making you a quadraplegic. It's literally a one-in-a-million cancer.
Then imagine most Australian doctors won't attempt the surgery because it's too risky, but you have been accepted for the procedure in the United States with a doctor who is experienced and has a high success rate.
Then imagine you're in the United States ready to be booked into the program and the coronavirus pandemic strangles the world. You rush home before the last flights and that is it, there are no more options. There is no way back to America. You don't know what the future holds, as the tumour on your spine may grow and possibly make you a quadraplegic in any case. Oh, and you also have tumour on your brain that is getting bigger.
Not to be flippant, but that is the cruel, Kafkaesque situation facing Canberra woman Rachael Thorpe, a 48-year-old mum-of-three who, nevertheless, says she doesn't want to be pitied. She's just frustrated. Incredibly frustrated.
"I don't have a plan and I like having a plan and I don't do well without one," she said.
It's easy to forget that people are facing their own monumental health challenges in the face of the coronavirus, when the pandemic, itself, is grabbing so much attention.
And it's now bitterly ironic that Rachael is appearing on SBS' Insight program on Tuesday night in a discussion around "impossible choices".
At the time of filming, in March, Rachael was in the United States, with her husband John, en route to a clinic in Maryland which, as part of a study, had accepted her for surgery to remove the tumour on her spine, a coup in more ways then one because all her medical expenses would be covered.
That visit was about a check-up and, hopefully, locking in a date in the future for the surgery.
The premise of her involvement on the Insight program was, yes, she was, then, faced with some impossible choices.
Did she have the surgery and risk quadraplegia? Did she risk travelling to America again during COVID-19? Or did she try to find a surgeon in Australia who would be willing to do it? Or, did she let nature take its course?
Yet, that all seems redundant now with Rachael feeling, weeks later, that she has not an impossible choice, but no choice.
The coronavirus pandemic has robbed her of her options.
What happens now? "Well, that would be the million-dollar question. We don't know," she said.
Her brain tumour, meanwhile, has grown and she may have to have surgery in Canberra. But, even then, she does not know if it would be regarded as urgent enough to be done within the coronavirus restrictions. And, regardless, she would feel conflicted about taking up an ICU bed.
It's just a waiting game. She is classed as immuno-compromised, so doesn't ever leave her house in Florey. Yet, Rachael, is still a light in the world. She has a big, throaty laugh. And she laughs often.
She loves being with her children Kellen, 22; Piper-Jade,19; and Saskia, 17. She loves her husband, John, a Canberra plumber she married in 2015 when they met randomly at an ATM in Sydney. She was living on the Central Coast; he couldn't work the ATM. She helped him. It was meant to be. They married at their home in Canberra, soon after her diagnosis. Neighbours madeover the backyard for them as a surprise.
When the shutdown ends, she is looking forward to simple pleasures - going to a comedy night, eating at their favourite restaurant, wandering around a market, reading a book while John casts a line.
"I'm lucky," Rachael insists.
- Insight airs on SBS at 8.30pm on Tuesday.
