They think it's all over. In fact they've been thinking it's all over for quite a long time now. Well, it finally is! In the least surprising news of football's seasonal endgame – news so lacking in news, even calling it news seems almost to demean the basic idea of news – Reading and Queens Park Rangers have both been relegated from the Premier League, confirming their mutual assured demotion via a horribly turgid 0-0 draw at the Madejski stadium. Meanwhile off the pitch, but garnering several hectares more in the way of frothingly outraged news coverage, the FA has banned Luis Suárez for 10 matches for biting Branislav Ivanovic. The ban follows last year's eight-match suspension for abusing Patrice Evra – FA maths level one: biting = (racism +2). The net effect is Suárez may have played his last game in England.
Khan survives a flooring
The man with the incredible fibreglass jaw returned as Amir Khan survived a fourth-round knockdown against ageing punchbag Julio Díaz to squeak a narrow points win in Sheffield. "I got back up and got my game-plan back," Khan said afterwards, clutching a small, blood-stained screwed-up ball of paper with the word "game-plan" scrawled on it. There was worse news for Audley Harrison, whose race may now finally be run. A 70-second defeat to the awesome American power puncher Deontay Wilder, to follow his 58-second defeat to David Price last October, looks like it could spell the end for the always intermittent A-Force.
Horseracing takes a kick
A horrible week for British racing: the Emirati powerhouse Godolphin, central plank of Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid al-Maktoum's benevolently supportive empire, faces a fraught future after trainer Mahmood al-Zarooni admitted giving banned anabolic steroids to 11 horses. Not just doping this, but cruelty too (these are heavy-duty inter-species drugs), and al-Zarooni has duly been banned from racing until 2021. British racing must now hold its breath to see if the "rogue trainer" theory is going to hold up. Suddenly excess use of the whip looks rather tame by comparison.
Wilkinson has the edge
It will be an all-French affair in rugby union's Heineken Cup final, with Toulon set to face Clermont Auvergne, who beat ex-champs Munster 16-10 in their semi-final. Happily for the Anglo-sporting solipsist, Toulon's driving force in a 24-12 defeat of Saracens was Jonny Wilkinson, who kicked seven penalties, seeing off young Turk Owen Farrell in the process. However Wilkinson's heroics failed to unseat Farrell from the 37-man Lions squad to tour Australia, which will be led by Wales's Sam Warburton. England skipper Chris Robshaw also missed out.
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