It is probably quite healthy that Sainsbury’s is about to launch a range of cheap sex toys. After all, satisfaction with one’s sex life is one of strongest indicators of an individual’s wellbeing, and anything that helps to improve that – including access to affordable vibrators – should be applauded.
This, in addition to John Lewis seeing a 73% surge in G-string sales and a 132% rise in suspender sales, would seem to suggest that Britain is finally shaking off its reputation for being unduly uptight and repressed.
But, clearly, this is catastrophic news. Listen, Britain is changing at an alarming rate. Thanks to Brexit, the pieces of our national identity that we cherish most dearly – such as our unregulated banking system and whatever rubbish James Dyson lobs at us – are leaving at a rate of knots. Until now I was unconcerned, safe in the knowledge that as long as we were still weirdly repressive about sex, we would retain the cornerstone of our Britishness.
Now even this is being eroded. What is the cause of this rampant sexiness? Is it Love Island, as John Lewis claimed? Is it because we spend our summers watching beautiful people on TV trying to have comparatively no-strings intercourse with each other? Might it be down to the internet, or the ongoing sexualisation of culture? Perhaps it is because our sex education no longer consists of a single half-hour lesson where a stranger makes you feel guilty for your involuntary pangs of adolescent desire. Who knows, but it is certainly cause for worry.
Something must be done. If we allow our children to grow up believing sex to be a healthy and normal part of life, we will lose something that is as British as drizzle or national self-sabotage. Unless we nip this in the bud, we might one day have to endure the indignity of sitting with our parents through a timid BBC sex scene without actively wanting to die. We might be able to go into a shop and just buy condoms, instead of hiding them in a pile of other stuff. We might – shudder – actually hug each other.
This cannot stand. A Britain that is not irrationally terrified of sex is not a Britain I want to be part of.
