We've all said it - "I bet they thought up that title up before the show". Judging by last night's TV, we may have been right.
Things kicked off on BBC2 with Ready Steady Cook, a show that's been around so long we've conveniently forgotten it's a godawful pun on the seminal 60s pop show (and sporting phrase before it). This left me a full 3 hours before I Know What You Ate Last Summer started on 5; where calorifically-challenged teenagers were packed off to a summer diet camp. I watched in the hope they would be impaled one by one with a fish hook, as they were in the original horror trilogy. Sadly, it was not to be. They all lived and, according to the scales if not our own eyes, lost weight without resorting to dismemberment. Pity, as this ruined a perfectly good sequel The Reckless Coleslaw Massacre where the surviving fatties would be humiliated, Pulp Fiction-stylee, at an all-you-can-eat salad bar. Anyway, that finished to make way for Car Wars on BBC1. Here two overweight Jedi from the Manchester car crime squad followed some scallys around, talking slowly to camera to pad out one car chase lasting 30 minutes. Who exactly they were at war with was less clear but, judging by the age of the perps, it was Darth Hoody and his Acne Death Cream. Finally, there was BBC2's New Forest Badgers, heavily influenced by New Street Law albeit with slightly better writing and acting.
Naturally, the bad puns didn't all come in one night. This month we've had Never Mind the Full Stops (BBC3), Weed 'em and Reap (C4), Your Money or Your Wife (C4) and Honey We're Killing the Kids (BBC1) - to say nothing of the daily To Buy or Not to Buy (BBC1). Perhaps knowing your audience is thick enough to sit through back to back shows about property renders further creative effort unnecessary. And the less said about Rosemary & Thyme (ITV), the better.
In fairness, killer titles are important in any medium. Former generations had the luxury of using an original epithet, often to great effect. Just think of Softly, Softly, Till Death us Do Part or Upstairs, Downstairs. Even modern phrases can have their place - Life on Mars, for instance, was an inspired choice on many levels. But it is hard to come up with something new that really works. So I do sympathise with all those runners, receptionists and producers sitting around drinking lattes, scouring the dictionary of cliches for their latest show.
"I've got it: Too Twee or Not Too Twee with Jimmy Carr"
"Didn't someone use that already?"
My only comfort lies in the fact that some of the worst puns have yet to be snapped up. Treatments for One Man in his Dog, Homos Under the Hammer and A Few Good Hens (with Monty Don) are winging their way to Television Centre as we speak.
