A big interplanetary wave to the American version of OK! magazine, which links up with reality around once every six years, before spinning back off into a galaxy of quarterwitted invention and fan fiction. Today’s effort falls into the latter category, being the WORLD EXCLUSIVE revelation that Prince Harry and Pippa Middleton are a couple.
A couple of what, you may be asking – but you would only be misunderstanding for comic effect, because the allegation put to OK! readers is that they are dating. It is obviously Lost in Showbiz’s second favourite unsubstantiated rumour of the week, losing only to news that Will Smith’s 17-year-old son Jaden is writing a book of philosophical essays.
Anyway, back to the confected romance between Prince William’s brother and the Duchess of Cambridge’s sister. As someone whose mother’s twin sister is married to my father’s brother, Lost in Showbiz can tell you two things:
1. This stuff does occasionally happen.
2. It’s legal; you just can’t marry your first cousins. In the case of mine, it never came up. In the case of a gene pool as small as the Windsors’, it would be as good as ensuring your child is born with porphyria and/or a vestigial tail.
But let’s get on with the story, because OK! has lovingly constructed an origins myth for the romance. Apparently, Harry and Pippa were caught “snogging in a bathroom” at the royal wedding – and by Kate, of all people. And I’m sure you can imagine her scratching away at a locked bathroom door at her own nuptials. We’ve all seen it.
Anyway, Kate is said by OK!’s unnamed insider to have taken a dim view. Timing being what it is, our star-crossed lovers were kept apart by various other romantic partners for a few years. But now both are available, things have finally come together. For their first date, Harry lit candles, made spaghetti carbonara, and stuck on music by Adele, Ellie Goulding and Bruno Mars. Unfortunately, Prince William has since let himself into Harry’s apartment and found his brother and Pippa “in a compromising position”. He now joins his wife in disapproval of the blossoming romance.
I am very much hoping that OK! continues this serial over the next few festive issues, ideally chucking in crowd pleasers like an alien abduction, discovery of an evil twin, and a cursed tiara.
Bill Murray, the Wu-Tang Clan, the hedge-funder and the heist
We begin with an explainer, next, as you may well not be familiar with Martin Shkreli. This is because Martin is a member of the absolute lowest caste of celebrities: The Sullied, or the slightly-well-known hedge funders.
He drew himself to attention back in September when he purchased the rights to a life-saving drug used to treat a parasitic infection, and promptly raised the price of a single pill from $13.50 to $750. I assume he suffers with some kind of raging psychological complaint related to erectile dysfunction, but his office has declined my repeated requests to offer remote analysis. I merely reach out once more.
In the meantime, do recall that Martin claimed this price hike was necessary for his firm to survive, so it is heartening to find that he is the man who splashed out a reported $2m to be the sole owner of the Wu-Tang Clan’s new album, Once Upon a Time in Shaolin. His copyrights over the work will endure 88 years. “This is like someone having the sceptre of an Egyptian king,” promised the Wu-Tang Clan’s collegiate overlord RZA, though it may sound to you merely a Damien Hirst-level point about art and value and consumption and the shit you can pull on hedge funders.
Presumably intending to pull some shit back, Shkreli now announces that he hasn’t bothered listening to the album, having delegated this task to some underling.
But perhaps the shit-pulling remains all on him, for it is now claimed the Wu-Tang Clan have inserted a most unconventional clause in the contract of purchase. To wit: “The buying party also agrees that at any time during the stipulated 88-year period, the seller may legally plan and attempt to execute one (1) heist or caper to steal back Once Upon a Time in Shaolin, which, if successful, would return all ownership rights to the seller. Said heist or caper can only be undertaken by currently active members of the Wu-Tang Clan and/or actor Bill Murray, with no legal repercussions.”
Well. Your move, Bill. The world expects.
