In recent weeks, Theresa May has time and again boasted of her negotiation techniques. “Trust me,” she has croaked in the disembodied voice of one for whom the mind/body split is a pathology rather than a philosophical problem. “I will be getting a deal that is good for Britain.” At prime minister’s questions, we got some insight into just how tough a negotiator she might turn out to be.
It was Theresa’s bad luck that David Hodge, the leader of Surrey county council who, only the day before, had called off a planned referendum on increasing council tax by 15% to fund social care, was careless in his choice of Nicks. He had sent text messages to Nick Forbes, the Labour leader of the Local Government Association, rather than Nick King, a special adviser to the communities and local government secretary, Sajid Javid.
It was Jeremy Corbyn’s good luck that Nick Forbes had forwarded the texts to him. “How much money did the government promise the council to kill off the referendum?” enquired Jeremy Corbyn, thrilled to be presented with an open goal that not even he could miss.
Theresa shook her head. Jeremy Hunt, the health secretary, whose constituency – along with those of fellow cabinet members Philip Hammond and Chris Grayling – is in Surrey, turned crimson. “Alternative facts,” she babbled incoherently. “Alternative facts” is now the prime minister’s default response to any question she doesn’t want to answer. In Theresa’s meta world the texts had never existed and it was a fortuitous coincidence that Surrey council had called off an embarrassing referendum.
Corbyn was not to be distracted. What deal had been offered, he asked, and would the same deal be offered to every other council in the country? By now Theresa was in full Maybot mode and was misfiring so badly that various body parts were beginning to work themselves loose. As she spoke, one of her arms fell off. “Alternative facts,” she said. Nothing had been said to anyone about anything. There had been no sweetheart deal. The leader of Surrey council must have misinterpreted the reassurances she had offered him as reassurances.
“Alternative facts,” a dead-eyed Theresa mumbled, as Hunt conducted an unsuccessful ring round to find an off-duty GP to reattach his leader’s arm. “You just want to spend money,” she concluded. “We recognise that you need a strong economy before you can spend money.” This wasn’t the brightest of replies as it implied there was only enough money for Tory councils with a hotline to central government to be bought off; if any Labour councils wanted 15% more cash for social care they could hold as many referendums as they liked.
If Theresa’s promise to negotiate a good deal for the entire country from the EU wasn’t looking entirely convincing, then neither were her reassurances about the NHS. When asked why so many hospitals were in crisis, her only response was that things were worse in Wales so the government must be doing a great job. Great news. People are dying unnecessarily at a slightly lower rate in England. If things pick up in Wales, she can always compare the death rates to Aleppo.
Labour’s Ronnie Campbell, who has been in hospital for the past five months, couldn’t quite believe his ears. While praising the staff for the treatment he had received, he was able to report back from the frontline about the reality of nurses being assigned to treat patients in corridors. Theresa’s response was that Campbell could count himself lucky to have been treated in Newcastle; things were a lot worse in many other countries.
Theresa’s doubtful negotiating skills had not gone unnoticed by Labour’s Angela Eagle. Although she appreciated the prime minister’s confidence – not shared by almost everyone else with any experience of dealing with the EU – in disappearing down a rabbit hole and emerging into a Wonderland deal within two years, would she produce an analysis of the effects of leaving on World Trade Organisation terms.
“Alternative facts,” said Theresa. More as a memo to herself than an answer. “I think the deal can be done in two years.” So there was no need for anyone to worry their pretty little heads. It was just a matter of coming up with the right sweeteners. What could possibly go wrong? First we take Surrey. Then we take EU.
