Taboo
What I already know: Tom Hardy sporting tribal tats and no doubt an incomprehensible mutter. I think it’s set in Africa.
Thoughts after recap No 1: A man called Delaney has been poisoned to acquire his land but his son, Tom Hardy, who everyone thought was dead, has reappeared in a 19th-century Jamiroquai hat and doesn’t want to sell it.
Thoughts after recap No 4: Hardy celebrates escaping an assassination attempt by getting sexy with his sister. So that escalated quickly. He’s also setting up a factory and trying to access saltpetre. Less exciting than the sexy sister, but he has just been challenged to a duel. Is he the hero or villain? Why does everyone want to kill him?
Watercooler chat: “This really is a dark drama, set before the invention of electric lights. Everyone looks like a murderer in the dark, don’t they?”
WTF rating by the end: High. The story has now broadened out to include a massacre on a slave ship, an exorcism and aristocratic saboteurs. What happened to the land dispute?
Will I go back and watch properly? I do like a bit of incest, so yes.
Homeland (series six)
What I already know: I stopped watching two series ago because I missed Damian Lewis.
Thoughts after recap No 1: We’re in New York, investigating owners of dodgy websites, which is a bit of a step down. Saul’s beard is smaller and Quinn is a good guy now.
Thoughts after recap No 4: Claire Danes has violated a judge’s orders, Iran has violated a nuclear agreement and Quinn has been violated.
Watercooler chat: “Female presidents were clearly written into both 24 and Homeland because everyone assumed one would be elected. Sad!”
WTF rating by the end: Low. There’s been a terror attack in NY, the website guy has been framed, Quinn is fixated on holes in his carpet.
Will I go back and watch properly? Nah, the news is bad enough.
The Great Pottery Throw Down (series two)
What I already know: One of a range of nostalgic Great British craft programmes seemingly named via a game of Boggle. I imagine this one is people competitively making pots.
Thoughts after recap No 1: One man rinses a fellow contestant’s effort as “a bit busy” while another declares his aim is to make the judges cry. I didn’t know pottery got this heated.
Thoughts after recap No 4: I strongly suspect – and I wish I was wrong about this – that the series’ entire conception is based around the fact some pottery techniques look like the administering of a handjob.
Watercooler chat: “A series so reminiscent of a GCSE art class it’s untrue. Bet one of them bakes a mate’s shoe into a pot by the end.”
WTF rating by the end: Off the charts. With this season’s contestants including a cage fighter and a male model, who knew the world of potters was so brawny? Judge Keith Brymer Jones has so far cried at a tall cone, a casserole dish handle and a tea bowl – and then got very angry at a block of clay.
Will I go back and watch properly? Given my fear of Keith’s inherent instability, yes.
UnREAL (series two)
What I already know: Behind-the-scenes drama set on a Bachelor-style reality programme. A hell of a lot more watchable than The Bachelor.
Thoughts after recap No 1: Hello darkness my old friend. Nothing on TV is genuine and the producers of reality shows are sociopathic manipulators.
Thoughts after recap No 4: Conflicted producer Rachel has stabbed her boss Quinn in the back, and is now running the show. The suitor for the new series is black, which is – surprise, surprise – a problem for network executives. A girl on the show thinks another girl killed her fiance. It’s all v bitchy.
Watercooler chat: “This is the second show here with a lead character called Quinn, and they’re different genders. Huh.”
WTF rating by the end: Moderate. One of the girls is reporting on the presumed suicide of a contestant last year, the black suitor can’t get out of bed because of an epidural (is he pregnant?) and Quinn is hooking up with the guy who played the stretchy-armed one in Fantastic Four.
Will I go back and watch properly? Yes. Watching a show like this on recap is like saying you went to a pool party because you saw one on Snapchat for eight seconds.
