PIG CUP
When the Queen’s Celtic go into a Big Cup qualifying round first leg and beat a team British football fans who don’t wear beards, ironic spectacles and Fortuna Sittard away shirts have actually heard of, you could be forgiven for thinking it’s a good result. A club that is capable of losing to Maribor after advancing to the final round of Big Cup qualifying, despite losing 6-1 on aggregate is clearly capable of anything. So when you think of the various calamities that could have befallen a team with their previous in the field of Euro-slapstick, heading for the second leg with a 3-2 lead is probably not ideal, but certainly no bad thing … not that you’d know it from some of the glum faces streaming out of a rocking Queen’s Celtic Park after Wednesday night’s five-goal thriller.
“You get disappointed that you feel you could get something more,” said Ronny Deila, as he reflected on the two goals scored by Malmo’s Jo Inge Berget, who has left Queen’s Celtic fans seething on several previous occasions while playing for, rather than against, their team. “They scored on almost the two chances they had. But we have to see out the two legs, and they have to beat us in Malmo to get through.”
Following the final whistle, Malmo goalkeeper Johan Wiland was less than complimentary about the manners of his hosts, comparing the Queen’s Celtic players to pigs, a breed of farmyard animals generally renowned for its fondness of swedes. “They are pigs, all of them, that’s the way it is,” fumed Wiland, as Scott Brown and Nadir Ciftci wandered past rooting for truffles before going “Wee! Wee! Wee!” all the way home. “You just have to try to stay cool and do what we have to do on the pitch. Leigh Griffiths, well, I don’t know what to say, he behaved like a child, tugging shirts all the time,” added the goalkeeper, as his rattle came sailing out of the pram.
Having previously claimed that Red Bull Salzburg are better than Irn-Bru Queen’s Celtic, Malmo manager Age Hareide continued poking the Scottish champions with his metaphorical stick by criticising their fitness. “We saw against Inverness that they do not have the legs for 90 minutes,” he harrumphed. With the Queen’s Celtic having conceded nine goals in the final 15 minutes in 19 European matches under Deila, he might have a point. But considering how proud he is of his team’s condition, don’t be surprised if Deila responds by saying the concession of these late goals has nothing to do with the fitness of his players and everything to do with the fact that, when it comes to mixing it outside Scotland, they’re just no longer very good.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The beauty of living in this part of the world is that you can have a barbecue planned” – take a trip through the Keys-hole, leading off this week’s Classic YouTube.
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BITS AND BOBS
Pedro has coughed for the Chelsea doctor – no, not that one, she is still preposterously in the bad books – and signed on the dotted line to complete his £21m move from Barcelona. “I am very excited to start my adventure at Chelsea and I am here to keep winning titles,” he cheered.
In other transfer news, Nicolás Otamendi has put us all out of our misery by finally joining Manchester City from Valencia. “Otamendi was arguably the best defender in La Liga last season,” over-egged Manuel Pellegrini.
Slaven Bilic was walking through the streets of east London, somewhere near Stukeley Road, when he was approached by a West Ham fan who asked him which Take That song would best summarise Alex Song’s chances of passing a medical and joining the club. All of which would explain why he now has the tune of Back for Good ear-worming its way around his brain.
Benfica’s Adel Taarabt has apparently been told to stop stuffing pastéis de nata down his gob and concentrate on losing 1.5kg before he can even dream about getting into the first team. Weight, what?! Benfica? Haven’t we heard this one before?
Since his Spurs side are almost as blunt as something passed around the room by Snoop Dogg, Mauricio Pochettino wants to buy another striker in this shopping window. “It’s obvious we need to add some more in our offensive position,” he trilled.
Leicester’s Jamie Vardy will be told that he’s breached the FA code of conduct for England players and warned about his future behaviour after after he was caught on CCTV racially abusing a fellow gambler in a casino.
Tiago Ilori would rather stay in Liverpool and try to convince a few friends to go on one of those tuk tuk tours he saw on Dragons’ Den, as well as fight for his place in Brendan Rodgers’ team, rather than go on loan again. “I want to play for Liverpool,” he growled. “I don’t want to be in Liverpool just to be sitting around.”
And Crystal Palace forward Dwight Gayle is still likely to leave Selhurst Park, despite turning down a move to K Foundation impersonators Bristol City. “I don’t think Dwight had a flavour for going [there],” yakked Alan Pardew. “Sometimes that’s the player’s decision and we stand by that, so he remains our player until such time as another club put a bid in that we accept.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Sid Lowe tried to write his La Liga season preview without mentioning him or Him, but then realised it would be as futile as a chocolate teapot.
Jonathan Wilson had intended to spend his day pondering if Drake’s use of an owl for his crew meant he was a Sheffield Wednesday fan, but instead he put fingers to keyboard about José Mourinho and tensions.
Similarly, Louise Taylor had big plans for her Thursday – she wanted to spend the day re-watching In the Shadow of the Moon (her favourite is John Young) – but instead wrote about Florian Thauvin and whether or not he can kickstart Newcastle United’s season.
Will Lazio continue to impress under Stefano Pioli and will Edin Dzeko help Roma win Serie A for the first time in 14 years? Blair Newman takes a guess.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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