SAN SIGH-RO
In a season in which Aston Villa have made a bid for television stardom by producing the longest blooper reel in history, it seemed impossible that the status of former European champions could be further cheapened. So there were gasps of disbelief on Thursday night, along with cringes of dismay and volleys of swear words, when Milan took the prestige earned from 117 years of achievement, including seven Big Cups, and sold it to some soap vendor in return for a pat on the head and a handful of goodie bags.
The Italian giants – failing to show due solemnity for an institution founded in the 19th century by an English lace-maker and owned for ages by an Italian sleazelord – wilfully debased themselves to the role of dancing monkeys before their Serie A match against lowly but proud Carpi at the inanimate but dignified San Siro. As the teams lined up prior to kick-off, it became clear that the people in the famous red and black jerseys were not footballers but hired clowns, who proceeded to irritate onlookers and draw scorn on to a once-admired club by performing a lamentable haka-based routine for the sake of shifting toiletries. “We completely lost any sense of what we’re supposed to be about and now gone and made worldwide fools of ourselves,” said an actor paid by The Fiver to impersonate a Milan PR gimp.
Maoris don’t take kindly to folks making fun of their sacred dance and absolutely no one should think it’s funny to behave like Matt Dawson. The American god of good taste and wisdom, Twitter, was probably quick to denounce Milan’s act of naff heresy but we’ll be flipped if we’re going to log into that world of hooey to search for a useful quote. The New Zealand Herald branded the fiasco “one of sport’s most awful – truly gut-wrenchingly awful – promotions” and that seems about right. The Fiver cannot for a moment imagine that we are ever going to see former European champions besmirch their traditions in more embarrassing fashion. A propos of nothing, on Saturday a depleted Everton defence coached by Bobby M will try to shut out Louis van Gaal’s Manchester United …
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’d do analysis during the game for the radio and when I’d finished I’d need to send my article for Marca or another newspaper. I had to be very quick – 45 minutes, an hour, maximum. You had to send by email and I remember on many occasions the article would not send. ‘OK, don’t worry, try to send again,’ they would say. I remember the rush, the hurry. I remember this period very well” – Watford manager and recent star of The Night Manager, Quique Sánchez Flores, tells David Hytner how journalism has made him a better manager. [The old ‘article would not send’ line, eh? – Fiver Ed.]
FIVER LETTERS
“The race to finish 1,057th in the 1,057 Pedants Fantasy Football League is getting tepid. Personally I’ve tried too hard all season, currently sitting a mediocre and pointless 550th. So well done to Duncan Lawrence and his Plum Patrol for taking tough decisions like benching Dele Alli to stay in contention to lie just outside the top 1,056” – Anthony Melvin.
“Re: what’s a coming together and what isn’t (Fiver letters passim). I have a nightmarish vision of video replay technology, whereby a three-man panel of L’il Mickey Owen, Terry ‘Enry and Silvikrin’s Robbie Savage view the replays and then press either their ‘FOR ME’ or ‘NOT FOR ME’ buttons accordingly, with the result appearing on a big Jumbotron. The Premier League would sell the rights to appear on the Jumbotron briefly to some gambling company or other, before the decision explodes on to the screen in the biggest 3D font allowed under the Geneva convention. Tell me that couldn’t happen” – Jason Tew.
“Re: yesterday’s Fiver letters. He says Stroganoff, you say Stoganoff. There’s not mushroom for error, is there?” – Gary Walsh.
“I have a beef with your choice of prizeless letter o’the day” – Fraser Nock.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Anthony Melvin.
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BITS AND BOBS
Bobby M reckons it would be unprofessional to waste time thinking about his future as Everton manager. Perhaps because he doesn’t have one? “The position is not about what surrounds my situation but about us as a club,” he cheered. “Any winning feeling changes the mood of a club and the confidence of an individual.”
Claudio Ranieri has finally admitted that he believes Leicester City can win the Premier League. “We are in [Big Cup], dilly ding, dilly dong. It’s fantastic, terrific,” he whooped. “And now we go straight away to try to win the title. Only this remains. Mauricio [Pochettino], keep calm!”
Arsenal defender Per Mertesacker continues to wonder what might have been this season had Alexis Sánchez been fully fit for longer. Much like Arsenal fans wondering what might have been this season if they’d had a central defence to speak of. “He is that type of player who gives everything to the team,” mused Mertesacker after Thursday’s 2-0 win over West Brom.
Spain U-17 striker Toni Martínez can’t wait to play at the Olympic Stadium after completing a move from Valencia to West Ham. “It is a stadium that has so much history,” he trilled of a venue which was opened in 2012.
He will miss Real Madrid’s La Liga trip to Rayo Vallecano and is naturally a doubt for their Big Cup semi-final first leg with Manchester City. “Both he and the team are thinking about Tuesday,” harked Zinedine Zidane.
Mats Hummels dad/Mr 15% reckons his son/client could do one from Dortmund to Manchester City. “They’ve not done so well this year, but they are going to win the league next year,” soothsayed Hermann Hummels. “They are getting the best coach in the world.”
Adelaide United are through to the flamin’ A-League final after a 4-1 win over Melbourne City.
And Aston Villa owner Randy Lerner says blame for the club’s shambles lies solely with him. “I write to Villa supporters to make clear that this relegation lies at my feet and no one else’s,” he wrote in a statement. “How many seasons after all can one hold on and hope to slide through? That is not Aston Villa. That kind of desperate existence is totally unacceptable, unbearable and totally incompatible with Villa’s glorious past.”
STILL WANT MORE?
You are the Ref. Yes, you!
A lament for Aston Villa and Charlton Athletic fans, from Barney Ronay.
Leicester coping without Jamie Vardy, Rafa C’mon Toon’s return to Anfield, the FA Cup semis and crunch time at the top of the Championship – just some of the 10 things to look forward to this weekend.
Clarke Carlisle talks to Alan Smith about fighting the depression that nearly killed him and on running the London Marathon.
“If there was anything notable about this victory it was perhaps simply the peculiar atmosphere inside the Emirates. Not so much anger, or trapped rage, as weariness, disinterest, even a little boredom.” Barney Ronay on Arsenal 2-0 West Brom.
Nick Miller looks at the ferocious race for automatic promotion from the Championship.
Murry Toms waxes lyrical about Cheltenham Town’s return to the the Football League.
This week’s Joy of Six: sporting tics.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
