Premier League predictions

'36 lovely Lancashire lasses are evicted from Blackpool’s first home game after staging an advertising stunt for Holland’s Pies,' roars Rob Schofield
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Tim Grey fears Mike Ashley's uneasy truce with the Newcastle fans may be about to break down forever
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'Wayne fulfils his destiny,' foretells Ian Hudson, who's clearly been copying last week's winner
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Gary Brown pops up with the prerequisite sack race entry
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Douglas Fenech reckons it's not just Roberto Mancini who's on a slippery slide to a P45
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Oh go on then, here she is. This courtesy of John Paul Barry
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'If only Fernando would stop finding so many novel ways to get injured,' chirps Rob Marriott
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'Alonsotti rules!' announces Cesar Souto, as he makes his Gallery bow
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A milk carton and an explosion in the middle of the desert. Alex Lehmann's entry isn't making much sense to us either
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'Where's Toldo? The Manchester City spending continued through January,' chortles the Photoshop-skilled Andy Smith
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Koichiro Yamamura doesn't think there's room for Mancini in Lord Ferg's little gang
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'About as likely as Alex Ferguson becoming England manager and Sepp Blatter agreeing to the use of video technology,' parps Oliver Sparrow
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And talking of things that fly ... 'It's only a matter of time really,' titters Brian Falzon
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'After another trophyless season, Arsène Wenger holds an open training session to show that his squad is capable of withstanding physical intimidation,' honks Harvey Kelly
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'Being sacked by City left Mancini very wealthy indeed,' soothsays Rob Marriott, 'but sadly Chris Hughton's future wasn't quite so rosy'
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Finally, Ben Daly is predicting more of the same. Either that or he's just being lazy
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