And that should just about be it. Cheers for joining us.
Incidentally, the FA Vase final is in extra-time, and Forster has just given North Shields the lead over Glossop South End.
Now it’s time for Crystal Palace v Manchester United, which you can follow with yer man Scott Murray, here.
So while Leicester and Aston Villa are not quite safe yet, it looks like one from Hull, Newcastle and Sunderland for the third relegation spot. Sunderland have a game in hand, but that is against Arsenal.
The run-ins for the three teams are as follows:
Hull
Tottenham (a)
Manchester United (h)
Sunderland
Leicester (h)
Arsenal (a)
Chelsea (a)
Newcastle
QPR (a)
West Ham (h)
And that’s the bottom of the Premier League table at the end of the 3pm games.
Burnley are relegated, and while QPR are technically still alive, they’re nine points adrift of fourth-bottom with three games to go.
Premier League full-time scores
Aston Villa 1-0 West Ham United
Hull City 0-1 Burnley
Leicester City 2-0 Southampton
Newcastle United 1-1 West Bromwich Albion
Stoke City 3-0 Tottenham Hotspur
Burnley are relegated to the Championship
And those results mean Burnley - seven points from safety with only two games left - are down.
Updated
Newcastle have picked up a point for the first time since February, but will a draw be enough? It’s Newcastle 1-1 West Brom at the end.
And it’s over at the KC too - Burnley have won 1-0, but as it stands they’re still down.
Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Full-time whistles go at Villa Park, where Aston Villa have beaten West Ham 1-0, and the Britannia where Stoke have beaten Spurs 3-0.
Tense stuff at Villa Park now as West Ham pile on the pressure in the closing stages. James Collins has a header that goes just wide - can Villa hang on?
Ouch...
Spurs have now conceded as many PL goals as Burnley
— Chris Boden (@bodenknights) May 9, 2015
Full-times in the Bundesliga. That’s Bayern’s fourth loss on the spin - two in the league, one in the cup, one in the Champions League...
GOAL! Stoke 3-0 Tottenham (Diouf 88)
And that caps a horrible afternoon for Tottenham. Down to ten men, they’re now 3-0 behind after Mame Biram Diouf sneaks in to squeeze the ball home at the near-post.
Hull piling on the pressure now. Another attack is just about repelled, as Michael Duff produces some fine defending to stop them. Tom Huddlestone then flings a cross over that nearly goes in, but Heaton saves.
GOAL! Glossop North End 1-1 North Shields (Bainbridge 80)
An equaliser at Wembley in the FA Vase final - could be heading for extra-time there.
Here’s the bottom of the table as it stands...
“Big Sam’s gone for it now - he’s put Carlton Cole up front.”
Chris Kamara is an adorable optimist.
West Brom go close again as Anichebe counters and feeds Saido Berahino, but his left-footed shot across the goal is nicely saved by Tim Krul.
Oh good lord. Newcastle get away with one as Chris Brunt firstly has a header blocked then flicks the rebound onto the post, but that was abysmal defending from the home side. Any more of that and they will be in some serious bother this afternoon.
GOA...no, stop that - another disallowed goal. Burnley think they’re 2-0 up after Ashley Barnes bundles the ball home, but the referee blows for a foul on Hull keeper Steve Harper. It would’ve been allowed in Nat Lofthouse’s day...
Papiss Cisse is on for Newcastle. If they win, they will take a large leap towards safety...
GOA....oh, no, it’s been disallowed. Enner Valencia thinks he’s put West Ham level against Aston Villa, but the flag goes up for offside. A close one, at best.
GOAL! Hull 0-1 Burnley (Ings 62)
A lifeline for Burnley? Danny Ings scores his first goal for about twenty years (well, 11 games) after smacking home from close range after a minor goalmouth scramble.
However, it will only be a lifeline if West Brom beat Newcastle or West Ham beat Aston Villa - as things stand, despite the potential win, Burnley are still going down.
For those asking about the Pep Guardiola reports, here’s confirmation and clarification...
عـــــــاجـــــــل - مصادر لـ beIN SPORTS: مانشستر سيتي يتوصل إلى اتفاق مبدئي مع غوارديولا مدرب بايرن ميونيخ لتدريب الفريق الموسم المقبل
— beINSPORTS الإخبارية (@beINSPORTS_news) May 9, 2015
Llllllllllllovely stuff.
If you're going to score the winning goal away to Bayern, do it like this... https://t.co/KCeXem4o2R
— Matthew Stanger (@MatthewStanger) May 9, 2015
Paul Flint and I are not going to be friends: “I share your pain. That last beer took ages to come.”
GOAL! Glossop North End 1-0 North Shields (Bailey 55)
And Glossop NE take the lead in the FA Vase final at Wembley. It’s been a tight affair so far by all accounts but the deadlock has been taken out back and SMASHED with a big, gritty, proper football hammer.
Updated
Hull try to spice things up by withdrawing Paul McShane and Jake Livermore and replacing them with Nikica Jelavic and David Meyler.
“Summer’s come to Madrid, Nick,” boasts Paul Flint. “Hate to boast, but how’s it in London?”
It looks quite nice, but I’m indoors, behind a thick iron wall with only a small porthole view into the outside world, as The Man stands over me with a big thrashing stick ready to belt me silly should I not type, type, type.
Big penalty shout at the KC, as Danny Ings goes down in the box. No dice there though, and it remains Hull 0-0 Burnley.
Red card - Vlad Chiriches (Tottenham)
Not a brilliant afternoon for Tottenham, this. The Romanian is sent off for a second yellow card, and if a few Spurs fans get their way then that could be the last they see of the defender.
And this amid reports that Pep Guardiola has agreed to move to Manchester City...
Now it gets worse for Bayern - Augsburg's Raul Bobadilla sets the champions on course for a 4th defeat in a row. 0-1 - just over 10 to play.
— Archie Rhind-Tutt (@archiert1) May 9, 2015
The second halves are underway, and West Brom should really be ahead again at St James’s. A nice counter-attack sets up Gardner at the far post who half-volleys towards goal, but it goes just wide.
Witchcraft, Cate. Only explanation. And some indifferent defending from West Brom...
@NickMiller79 revising for GCSE's... laughing at Newcastle was the only thing keeping me going. And now they've equalised.. what's going on?
— catecfc (@fcchelsea445) May 9, 2015
PB has found a way of passing the time: “I’m in Istanbul in a hotel and have spent the last half hour flicking through the thousand channels to see if there’s a live feed. There wasn’t. But while I was going through them at great slowness I did sing ‘It’s just like watching Hull. It’s just like watching Hull.’”
Any thoughts on what’s happening this afternoon, or what’s happening in the world in general, or if you need any advice on life over all, then you can mail Nick.Miller@theguardian.com or tweet @NickMiller79.
Half-time scores
Aston Villa 1-0 West Ham United
Hull City 0-0 Burnley
Leicester City 2-0 Southampton
Newcastle United 1-1 West Bromwich Albion
Stoke City 2-0 Tottenham Hotspur
Updated
Still not a great deal to report from Hull v Burnley. Robbie Brady hit the crossbar with a free-kick from way out a few minutes ago, but that’s about all. As it stands, Hull are in the bottom three and Burnley are down.
GOAL! Newcastle 1-1 West Brom (Perez 41)
A lifeline! Newcastle are, as it stands, out of the bottom three after Ryan Taylor mishits a free-kick from out on the left, but it falls to Ayoze Perez who controls and fires it left-footed into the far corner. Carver lets out a primal roar of frustration/celebration.
Sounds like Aston Villa are lucky to get away with not giving away a penalty, after Shay Given gets involved in a rather one-sided wrestling match with Kevin Nolan in the Villa area, but the referee gives the decision the other way.
Ian Copestake has some thoughts on the afternoon’s action: “In selecting a match to watch this afternoon my choice has been made on the basis of lowest common denominators, including absence of skill, highest levels of baying and potential hubris. Needless to say this is not a football based decision, so I’m watching Newcastle.”
GOAL! Stoke 2-0 Tottenham (Nzonzi 32)
Stoke could well be set to rocket up to ninth place with a win here, as Stephen Nzonzi doubles their advantage against a Spurs side who, deliberately or not, are doing their very best to avoid qualifying for the Europa League.
GOAL! Newcastle 0-1 West Brom (Anichebe 32)
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. That was devastatingly simple for West Brom at St James’s - a free-kick is tossed over from the right, and Victor Anichebe is there about ten yards from goal to nod simply into the bottom corner. As things stand, John Carver’s men are in the bottom three.
GOAL! Aston Villa 1-0 West Ham (Cleverley 31)
And that’s three in three for Cleverley, who seems to have discovered how to kick the ball forwards these days. Good work by Jack Grealish provides the chance for the Manchester United loanee, and he forces it home.
Updated
Newcastle really should be ahead. A free-kick comes over from the right and drops to Sissoko, who shoots, it’s blocked and falls back to him, he side-foots the second shot but it’s blocked on the line by Joleon Lescott.
Half-time in the Bundesliga. Bayern, who of course are now terrible, are drawing 0-0 with Augsburg, Borussia Dortmund are 1-0 up over Hertha Berlin, while at the bottom Hannover are on their way to three crucial points by leading Werder Bremen 1-0.
Gadzooks...
As things stand, Leicester have gained 15 points on QPR, 14 points on Newcastle and 13 points on Burnley in 2015.
— Michiel Jongsma (@JongsmaJongsma) May 9, 2015
"It's going to take a lot to beat Boaz Myhill from that distance." It's high time for a Premier League goalkeeper/distance requirement index
— Football Clichés (@FootballCliches) May 9, 2015
GOAL! Stoke 1-0 Tottenham (Adam 21)
It’s a game that means about two-fifths of eff-all, but Charlie Adam has broken the deadlock at the Britannia. Mame Biram Diouf crosses, it’s deflected and Adam is there to head home.
Updated
GOAL! Leicester 2-0 Southampton (Mahrez 19)
Well, well, well. What has Nigel Pearson done to this Leicester team in the last few weeks? The Foxes are now 2-0 up over Southampton, and it’s Mahrez again with the goal. If they win this one they’ll be on 37 points and basically safe.
Not much happening at Stoke v Tottenham thus far. Harry Kane takes a shot and Jack Butland flagrantly ignores the season’s narrative by saving it. Nothing much of note at Hull v Burnley, either. You can expect more of this Telling You That Nothing Is Happening throughout the afternoon.
Blow for Leicester, as Matty James is on the turf with what looks like a fairly bad knee injury. The stretcher is coming on, and Danny Drinkwater will be the man to replace him.
Post! After an absolutely ludicrous palaver when the referee ran all the way over to make sure Craig Gardner had the ball properly in the corner kick quadrant, the ball is swung over and Youssef Mulumbu thwacks the thing against the Newcastle woodwork.
GOAL! Leicester 1-0 Southampton (Mahrez 7)
And Leicester’s terrific run continues. Riyad Mahrez, who for much of the season was one of their only two players worth getting excited about, cuts in and drills a shot low into the corner of the net. This will be a remarkable sixth win in the last seven if they hold on.
Updated
Hairdressing’s Jack Grealish has started well for Aston Villa against West Ham, and Timbo’s boys have gone the closest so far, with a Leandro Bacuna free-kick going just wide.
First decent effort of the afternoon. Moussa Sissoko gets the ball about 30 yards out for Newcastle, advances and gets plenty on the shot, but it goes just over.
Teams are coming out and coins are being tossed up and down the land. This moment of blind hope could be the best it gets for some of this lot. Drink in the potential misery.
Happy election, everyone...
Good morning Britain pic.twitter.com/Hi9WEmdvma
— Dave Haslam (@Mr_Dave_Haslam) May 9, 2015
Peeeeeeeeeeeep. It’s over at Goodison - final score: Everton 0-2 Sunderland.
Here’s what the bottom of the league table looks like now:
Updated
Sunderland have, remarkably, gone 2-0 up, and both goals were scored by their scorers entirely unintentionally. You have to say that’s magnificent.
Last knockings with Scott Murray here.
Meanwhile, Sunderland are holding, holding, holding desperately on to a 1-0 lead over Everton. There’s about 18 minutes to go in that one - join Scott Murray for the remainder.
The playoff semi-final between Ipswich and Norwich has ended 1-1 at Portman Road. See what happened in that one with Alan Smith here. And last night, Middlesbrough beat Brentford 2-1 - here’s James Riach’s match report.
Team news
Aston Villa v West Ham
Given, Bacuna, Okore, Vlaar, Richardson, Westwood, Cleverley, Delph, N’Zogbia, Grealish, Benteke. Subs: Guzan, Agbonlahor, Weimann, Senderos, Cole, Hutton, Sanchez.
Adrian, Jenkinson, Burke, Collins, Cresswell, Noble,
Kouyate, Downing, Nolan, Amalfitano, Valencia. Subs: Jarvis,
Nene, O’Brien, Jaaskelainen, Cole, Song, Cullen.
Referee: Lee Mason (Bolton)
Hull v Burnley
Harper, Chester, Dawson, McShane, Elmohamady, Livermore,
Huddlestone, Quinn, Brady, N’Doye, Aluko. Subs: McGregor,
Rosenior, Bruce, Meyler, Hernandez, Jelavic, Robertson.
Heaton, Trippier, Duff, Shackell, Mee, Boyd, Arfield,
Jones, Taylor, Ings, Barnes. Subs: Vokes, Kightly, Jutkiewicz,
Ulvestad, Gilks, Ward, Keane.
Referee: Martin Atkinson (Bradford)
Leicester v Southampton
Schmeichel, Morgan, James, Vardy, Albrighton, Huth, Schlupp, Cambiasso, Ulloa, Mahrez, Wasilewski. Subs: Schwarzer, De Laet, Konchesky, Drinkwater, Hammond, Nugent, Kramarić.
Gazzaniga, Clyne, Fonte, Alderweireld, Bertrand, Wanyama, Reed, S. Davis, Elia, Mané, Pellè. Subs: K.Davis, Yoshida, Gardos, Long, Djuričić, Targett, Gallagher.
Referee: Roger East (Wiltshire)
Newcastle v West Brom
Krul, Anita, Coloccini, Dummett, Gutierrez, Sissoko, R Taylor, Colback, Perez, Riviere, Cabella. Subs: Cisse, Gouffran, Aarons, Ameobi, Abeid, Satka, Woodman.
Myhill, Dawson, McAuley, Olsson, Lescott, Gardner, Fletcher, Mulumbu, Yacob, Brunt, Anichebe. Subs: Rose, Wisdom, Baird, Morrison, McManaman, Ideye, Berahino.
Referee: Chris Foy (St Helens)
Stoke v Tottenham
Butland, Cameron, Shawcross, Muniesa, Pieters, Whelan,
Nzonzi, Walters, Adam, Arnautovic, Diouf. Subs: Bardsley,
Ireland, Odemwingie, Sidwell, Crouch, Wollscheid, Sorensen.
Lloris, Dier, Fazio, Chiriches, Vertonghen,
Mason, Bentaleb, Lamela, Eriksen, Chadli, Kane. Subs: Rose,
Soldado, Yedlin, Vorm, Townsend, Dembele, Stambouli.
Referee: Mark Clattenburg (Co. Durham)
Premable
Farewells, goodbyes, so longs. They can be fond, they can be tearful, they can be a blessed relief that this lot of absolute gits are gone, gone, gone. The Premier League says them every year, three teams shoved into the relegation pit of Carkoon where they will find a new definition of pain and suffering, slowly digested over a thousand years. Or relegated to the Championship. Which frankly is much more fun anyway. So it’s not all bad, but one can’t really argue that it isn’t a bit bad.
And bad it could be for QPR and Burnley today, for they could be both cast into the belly of the sarlacc should results go against them. The Rs are probably more likely to drop tomorrow when they face Manchester City, but if the four teams right above the relegation zone all collect three points then their inevitable fate will be confirmed. Things are slightly and sadly more clear-cut for Burnley, as they will be done and done should they lose to Hull, their brief but game spell at the shiny table much sooner than they would’ve liked.
Sean Dyche isn’t giving up, mind. He told ESPN this week:
It’s never over until the fat lady sings. Stranger things have happened. As a reality, it’s very, very tough. It’s been tough all season. But what if? You win the next one, others don’t, I guarantee you that everyone, yourself included, will go ... oooh. What if? What if that happens? Focus on now. You’re always looking at different scenarios in the future, but that’s just part of what we have to do. But that’s nothing to do with now.
Then of course there’s Newcastle. Luckily, they of course have the best coach in the Premier League guiding them, so with John Carver at the helm they will surely arrest this run on which they find themselves. They bloody well better do, mind, for they haven’t won a sniff of a point in the last eight games, a run that stretches back to...bloody hell, to February. Eesh. That’s bleak. The good news is they might have Papiss Cisse back for their big, big, big, big, big, big home game against West Brom, the bad news being he might have to score about seven as their defence could be comprised of Paul Dummett, assorted midfield fill-ins, a bit of string and a cardboard cutout of Warren Barton.
John Carver's notes. @bbc5live commentary from 3 pic.twitter.com/L1h9p6SU0P
— Mark Pougatch (@markpougatch) May 9, 2015
The other relegation candidates are at home, with Aston Villa facing West Ham and Leicester hosting Southampton, and if you want a more comprehensive run-down of the hoo-haa going on at the iffy end of the table, some of our writers have put their heads together and tried to sum it all up for you.
Elsewhere today there’s Stoke v Tottenham, but frankly barely anyone aside from Mark Hughes and Mauricio Pochettino (and perhaps not even them) care about that one, plus there’s assorted stuff going on around Europe, some Scottish playoffs and the FA Vase final at Wembley, as Glossop North End face North Shields. All - or at least some - of that will be here.
