Right then, that’s about us - but if you want more, pop next door to join me for Swansea-Arsenal.
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Newcastle are now 7th with their fourth win in a row, Stoke go 9th, and Everton 10th. Liverpool are in the bottom half.
FULL-TIME: Spurs 1-2 Stoke
That four defeats in six home games for Spurs. But even so, what a result for Stoke.
FULL-TIME: Sunderland 1-1 Everton
That was a lot of fun, and the result probably reflects the balance of chances. Burnley aside, it’s really not easy to know who’s going down this season.
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90+4 min Brown heads it away, and that’s that.
90+4 min Coleman paces down the right, away from Bridcutt, and his cross is deflected behind for a corner.
90+3 min So nearly the winner for Sunderland, Wes Brown rising to headbutt a cross down and towards the right-hand post, only for McCarthy to somehow scramble off the line.
Funny one, this Pardew thing - had he been sacked, it would not have been at all easy to construct a winning argument against the move; it would’ve been the right decision. And yet, quite clearly, it wouldn’t have been.
FULL-TIME: West Brom 0-2 Newcastle
Another disciplined and speedy effort from Newcastle. Pardew Out!
88 min Consternation at Sunderland! Fielding a slowing ball allowed back to him by Jagielka and with Fletcher in pursuit, Tim Howard lies on it with his chest, watches Fletcher by, then gets up and clears. Brilliant keeping, as is now agreed by the players, but the crowd still think he played it with his hand. He didn’t.
87 min It’s end-to-end at Sunderland - this has been a really excellent game.
90 min There shall be three added minutes at the Hawthorns.
RED CARD! Kyle Naughton of Spurs!
Moses espies all manner of space behind Naughton, so applies the ball to it and dashes in pursuit, along the touchline. Credit where it’s due, Naughton takes not a single fibre of a chance, slamming into him to earn a dismissal. Moses wasn’t quite through - Kaboul was near, and he was out wide - but it’s hard to argue with the decision in any event.
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85 min And there it nearly is. The reborn Sissoko moses over to the right, feeding Taylor to snap over a cross. Perez is first to rise, and he hangs before powering a header that forces foster to tip over.
83 min Things are phutting to a halt at the Hawrthorns. It’s about time for another Newcastle goal on the break.
78 min Back at Sunderland, the dastardly Jordi Gomez is replaced by Jack Rodwell - who once played for Everton, apparently.
GOAL! Spurs 1-2 Stoke (Chadli, 77)
Miserable though Spurs have been under Pochettino, he has found a use for Nacer Chadli - not something that looked especially likely last season. And here, Rose nashed down the left before hooking over a cross to the back post, where Chadli arrived to bump home a deceptively tricky finish.
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77 min According to the laws, Wickham is a little fortunate to stay on the pitch. I say according to the laws, because defenders should be allowed to make an honest attempt at playing the ball without being punished twice, with a penalty and a red card.
GOAL! Sunderland 1-1 Everton (Baines pen, 76)
Baines, who missed his last kick at Old Trafford, drives low and just right of centre - but Pantilimon can only dive over it.
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PENALTY TO EVERTON AT SUNDERLAND!
Wickham on Coleman! This is all about the great Samuel Eto’o, who, in his new role behind Lukaku, picks a pass that takes out five defenders and finds Coleman inside the box. As he prepares to shoot, a desperate tackle sends him crashing down, and though there’s beaucoup de rancour, it’s a clear foul.
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72 min “Spurs fans shouldn’t get too down about what’s happening to their club,” advises Simon McMahon. “Look at it this way - they’re the side that make every other side feel better about themselves. That’s quite an achievement, and one not to be belittled. We should all be grateful. Good old Spurs.”
Tottenham Philanthrotspur.
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70 min “As a bemused and embarrassed Spurs fan, I can’t help thinking the league in general would be better served if a salary cap was put in place, and clubs then topped it up to levels which match other major leagues in performance incentives” suggests Toby Thatcher. “We then might see slightly fewer overpaid morons ambling around, content in the knowledge that their millions are guaranteed, and at worst they will be sold to another club who will pay them to put no effort in.”
I agree with this, but for different reasons. I’d go salary cap and transfer cap - incoming and outgoing - to keep the league competitive, more about football and less about exchequer.
67 min I’ve some friends - yes, I know, get me - who watch Sunderland, and who stopped going to Everton after all that befell them there. For example, a 7-1 thrashing followed by a parking ticket.
GOAL! Sunderland 1-0 Everton
Larsson steps up and slams a flip semi-over, semi-through a disintegrating wall, in at the near post. Tim Howard is anger and fury.
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65 min Baines pulls down the recently-arrived Buckley, just outside the D, slightly to the left. It’s Beckham, and Larsson territory...
65 min Can someone please confirm that Etienne Capoue’s dressing room nickname is Truman? Thanks. He’s been replaced by Emmanuel Adebayor.
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65 min “Anything other than Spurs navel-gazing to offer?” asks Alec McAulay. “How is Bojan doing? Isn’t it remarkable how Jon Walters is dynamic, pacy, a new man this season? Is Begovic busy at all? He’s falling down the goalie stats league because he has so few shots to save this season. Apparently all serious fantasy football players know that you have to put Shawcross in your side...”
What else is to offer? In order: from what I’ve seen, Bojan has been quiet, Mark Hughes knows what he’s doing, no, and yes.
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63 min Victor Moses has drifted outside his man, and lashes a shot just by the near post. Apparently Spurs are also playing.
GOAL! West Brom 0-2 Newcastle (Coloccini, 61)
Alan Pardew is a football genius! A corner is improperly cleared, and recycled to Janmaat, wide on the right. He checks back onto his left foot, then nips back outside and lasers over a cross that beats the last defender - Coloccini has pulled off him - and a downwards header is duly powers past Foster. Simple, clinical and superb.
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58 min Cabella throws a lollipop at Rose and before he even has a chance to buy it, a beautiful cross is outswinging its way towards the back post. But Ameobi is on his heels, failing to gamble, and other assorted cliches, and the opportunity is gone.
56 min Lukaku takes a pass from Eto’o on the left of the box and draws a challenge from Vergini, skipping outside him, and whumping a shot against the outside of the post.
55 min The game is drifting for West Brom, so Alan irvine is making pensive faces on the touchline. It’s a tricky one for him - commit more men forward, and his team will risk being caught on the break but the newly devastating Newcastle.
51 min Bridcutt rolls one back to Pantilimon, neglecting to notice 6”3, 94kg centre-forward Romelu Lukaku lurking in the centre-forward position. He latches onto the ball and is taken right by his touch, heavy enough to entice the keeper off his line. Lukaku should shoot, but opts to try and round him instead, whereupon a go-go-gadget arm extends to poke the sphere to safety.
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48 min “Believe it or not, Ian Walker still has those curtains now,” informs Keith Williams.
Majesty.
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47 min Talking of whom, the Mido false dawn was a belter. Am I missing any others? Paul Moran, Andy Turner, Ossie Ardíles, José Dominguez (who played on the winguez), Sergiy Rebrov, Simon Davies, Dean Marney, Helder Postiga, Stéphane Dalmat, Mido, Juande Ramos.
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47 min And he should know!
This is the worst Tottenham team I v seen for the last ten years #COYS
— Mido (@midoahm) November 9, 2014
46 min We’re off at the Stade de Lit, and almost off at White Hart Lane.
46 min West Brom bring on Gamboa for Pocognoli - this game is running a few minutes ahead of t’other two.
How did Spurs get to here? Realistically, they’re what, five, six players off challenging for the top four, five, six players who’d not be all that keen to sign for them. ah.
Half-time email with Dan Osborn: “Noticed you mention Stuart Nethercott. His Wiki states:
‘Stuart Nethercott is perhaps best remembered for the disproportionate amount of times he featured in the Merlin F.A. Premier League Sticker Book collection for the 1994-95 season. Much to the chagrin of collectors, it was not unknown for a six sticker packet to contain six copies of Nethercott, then in the Tottenham ranks.
His sticker became ubiquitous to the point that, in an attempt to rid themselves of a rapidly thickening deck of Nethercotts, school children of the period were known to cover their friends’ lockers as well as their school corridor walls with numerous copies of the Nethercott sticker, earning Stuart Nethercott a degree of fame and notoriety he was unable to attain in his footballing career.’”
That is exceptional. As were these curtains.
For the avoidance of doubt: if you’re not impressed with what you’re seeing, call your players all sorts if you fancy. But actually forming mouth into a circle and projecting forth a boo? Ahem.
Booooo! Boooo! Boooooooo! Spurs 0-2 Stoke
Adults!
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Which leaves only....
Half-time: Sunderland 0-0 Everton
Apparently, McGeady narrowly missed with a long-ranger a while ago - I missed it too - but this is an interesting game. Sunderland are a real threat with Wickham and Fletcher in the box, while Everton are passing the ball as quickly and perceptively as you’d expect.
45 min We’re still going in the other two games, which explains the jiggered timestamps. Well, that’s what I’m saying.
Half-time: West Brom 0-1 Newcastle
That goal was not unlike this goal.
GOAL! West Brom 0-1 Newcastle (Perez 45)
And what a goal! Newcastle work the ball from left to right, finding Janmaat in space. Rather than loft a cross, he drills a beauty into the middle, and Perez arrives at precisely the right moment to drag a backflick into the far corner. Obviously Pardew celebrates as though he scored it, more understandably so than usual - it was he who brought in the man who did.
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41 min “This is turning into a group therapy session for Spurs fans. It’s getting me down” says black comedy’s Simon McMahon. “How are the other games going?”
Not a whole lot coming to pass at the Hawthorns, Everton dominating at Stadium of Light, but Sunderland a threat on the break and from corners.
39 min “Absolute shocker by Lee Mason,” stomps JR in Illinois. “Jordi Gomez, already on a yellow for a disgusting challenge on Barry just got away with an equally disgusting dive. That has to be another yellow. Truly pathetic refereeing.”
I only saw each once - the foul I wasn’t sure was so bad, but the dive was a goodun.
35 min “It’s not really Kaboul we have to worry about,” reckons Peter Crosby, “it’s more why the hell Rose is picked every. single. week. Please for the love of God at least try Ben Davies. Brings back memories of the Justin Edinburgh/Dean Austin dark days...”
My teenage years, I love those boys. And Dean Marney, and Scott Houghton, and Andy Turner, and Stuart Nethercott. But I agree - Ben Davies was an excellent signing, odd he’s not getting to play.
33 min “Stoke are dropping like flies but are also buzzing like bees,” says Jeremy Dresner. “The problem is Spurs are playing preposterously ponderously. Maybe one of the quickest most incisive teams on their day when Bale, Walker, Townsend and Lennon all challenged for the clubs’ pacy protagonist title. With this lot not happening for various reasons, Spurs don’t look at the races at all. Team USA’s Yedlin can’t arrive quickly enough.”
This really isn’t very good from them - and it’s hard to see how they improve. The kind of players they need aren’t easy to come by or to attract - just ask Brendan Rodgers - so Mauricio Pochettino needs to be given time.
GOAL! Spurs 0-2 Stoke (Walters, 31)
Cameron - I think - beats Kane to a header on halfway, and somehow, it finds Diouf, away on the right. He taps over a gentle cross, and Walters punishes a finish past Wales’ Lloris.
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31 min This is close from Sunderland. Reveillere slips in a lovely ball between Distin and Coleman for Gomez, and Fletcher peels away ready for the cut-back - but Gomez fails to notice, Distin able to hump away his straight low cross.
30 min “Answers on the proverbial postcard, please” says one of the summarisers. So, which proverb might that be, then? “A rolling Jersey by night gathers no laughs”?
28 min It’s been several minutes since Sunderland mustered a telling touch of the ball, but then Gomez sways forwards and, just as he arrives at the box, vaults over Jagielka’s leg when he runs into traffic. Another ref might have awarded him a second yellow card.
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27 min “Afternoon Daniel,” chirps Simon McMahon. “I think the only thing I hate more than the ‘they’re a good, honest side / he’s a good, honest pro’ cliche is the ‘they’re a good footballing side / they like to play football’ one. Honest.”
I also hate the words “sneakers” and “dude”.
25 min Bad couple of minutes for Stoke - Begovic is booked for timewasting, and Wilson is injured by something or others. Mark Hughes reacts with characteristic levity.
21 min Mason takes aim from 25 yards, scooshing a shot just outside the near post.
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20 min Can someone please reassure me that Federico Fazio’s dressing room nickname is Benny? Thanks.
18 min Terrace classics that never were: Sweetheart ... you’re Tim Krul.
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16 min West Brom are on top at the Hawthorns, and after a sustained spell of possession, Brunt fires one into Anichebe on the edge of the box, almost dead centre. He touches off deftly for Berahino, who drills powerfully but centrally, and Krul is able to tip over - for a corner that comes to nowt.
15 min It’s hard to be sure, watching three games at once, but Spurs have done almost nothing so far. Trusay!
15 min By the way, Darr-on Gibs-on replaced Barry.
13 min “Part of the problem with Kaboul is that, even before the injuries, he was prone to the most appalling lapses of concentration” reckons Enna Cooper, “and, unfortunately, that’s the one part of this game that he has most definitely retained. For all his flaws, Dawson was more our defensive rock than Kaboul was.”
Yeah, I see that, but he was a different kind of player. He did have delusions of Beckenbauer, it’s fair to say, but the ability that he had isn’t especially common.
10 min Bad news at Sunderland - Jordi Gomez has left his leg in on Gareth Barry - it didn’t look deliberate, though he’s booked - and Barry is stretchered off, arm over eyes.
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9 min Sammy Ameobi waits for a headed clearance on the edge of the box, lets the ball bounce once, and then controls a really difficult curler onto the bar at the far corner. Great effort, never going in - we know this, because it didn’t.
9 min “Category error,” chides Alec McAulay. “Insects are animals”.
GOAL! Spurs 0-1 Stoke (Bojan, 8)
Oh Tottenham! Oh Spurs! Oh Lillywhites! Bojan takes the ball on the left touchline, 30 or so yards from goal, and sets off on a diagonal run as the various defenders do a lot of nothing. Then, when he reaches the edge of the box, he drills a firm but far from unsaveable right footer across Lloris.
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6 min Another corner for Sunderland, aimed at Wickham again, this time at the back post. He’s first to it again, and this time heads only just above the angle.
5 min Townsend wriggles down the right and drills a cross towards the back post. Kane flings himself in its direction, but can’t quite make contact.
4 min Oh, this is lovely. Eto’o snatches possession inside the Sunderland half and dashes a pass into Lukaku, who lays off to meet his run. The pair then exchange a further pair of passes, by which time Eto’o is in the box, where he opens his body and curls an effort just wide.
3 min Sunderland win a corner down the left, whipped into the near post, where Wickham leaps unaccompanied, flicking towards the far post, where Fletchert can’t quite keep up with it, so it goes wide.
1 min “Hi Mr Harris,” begins Dan Osborn. “I’ve been creating my top Premier League football 11 of players with animal-like names. In goal I’ve got Bernard Lama (llama). Across the back I’ve got Mark Fish, Darren Peacock, Hayden Foxe and Razvan Rat. David Batty, (bat), would play as a holding midfielder with the legendary Steve Froggatt on one flank and the mercurial Nicky Summerbee, (bee), on the other. I realise a bee is in fact an insect but he’s in the team for now. I’m playing three up front. Geoff Horsefield, Steve Bull and Shaun Goater to get me the goals.I challenge anyone to beat my EPL team of players with animal, (and insect!), related names.”
Tangentially, I recall Robbie Savage identifying Horsefield as the hardest player he’d ever known, beating Roy Keane in the final following a knock-out competition.
And we’re off, all over.
The grounds all remember.
At the Hawthorns, the players are in the tunnel. “Come on”, holler various.
“Somewhere, Younis Kaboul has some photographs of Daniel Levy that
a: guarantee his place in the Spurs Defence
b: I really don’t want to see”, emails John Tumbridge.
It’s a shame, how it’s gone for him - he had something, well though he knew it, but hasn’t relocated it since his injury.
“A lot of honesty” is what Alan Pardew reckons we’ll see from his team today. He is virtue - but what others would you like to see from your sides?
More teams:
Sunderland (4-4-2ish): Pantilimon; Vergini, Brown, O’Shea, Reveillere; Gomez, Bridcutt, Larsson, Johnson; Wickham, Fletcher.
Subs: Rodwell, Altidore, Mavrias, Graham, Mannone, Buckley, Robson.
Everton (4-2-3-1, natch): Howard; Coleman, Jagielka, Distin, Baines; McCarthy, Barry; Barkley, Eto’o, McGeady; Lukaku.
Subs: Robles, Hibbert, Gibson, Naismith, Besic, Atsu, Osman.
Which means three changes for Sunderland - out go Van Aanholt, Cattermole (suspended) and Buckley, with Brown, Bridcutt and Johnson returning.
Everton swap Alcaraz for Distin, and Naismith for Lukaku.
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More teams:
Tottenham (The Tottenham Way): Lloris; Naughton, Fazio, Kaboul, Rose; Capoue, Mason; Chadli, Eriksen, Townsend; Kane.
Subs: Vertonghen, Soldado, Adebayor, Lamela, Vorm, Dier, Dembele.
Stoke (4-3-3, possibly): Begovic; Bardsley, Shawcross, Wilson, Pieters; Walters, Sidwell, Nzonzi; Bojan, Diouf, Moses.
Subs: Muniesa, Ireland, Arnautovic, Adam, Cameron, Crouch, Sorensen.
So, there we go: Harry Kane earns his first start, at the expense of Emmanuel Adebayor, while Jan Vertonghen and Roberto Soldado also drop out, Federico Fazio and Andros Townsend coming in.
For Stoke, Phil Bardsley replaces Geoff Cameron.
Apropos of Victor Anichebe, what a goal this is. Outta my way!
Let’s have some teams.
West Brom (4-4-2, obviously): Foster, Wisdom, Lescott, Dawson, Pocognoli; Brunt, Dorrans, Mulumbu, Morrison; Anichebe, Berahino.
Subs: Baird, Yacob, Myhill, Gamboa, McAuley, Sessegnon, Samaras
Newcastle (something far beyond the grasp of the likes of us): Krul; Janmaat, Coloccini, Dummett, Haidara; Sissoko, Abeid, Colback; Cabella, Perez, Ameobi.
Subs: Taylor, Williamson, Anita, Cisse, Gouffran, Elliot, Armstrong.
So, West Brom replace Gardner with Mulumbu and Sessegnon with Anichebe, while for Newcastle, Taylor and Perez come in for Taylor and Perez.
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Preamble There’s been a lot of patter over the years about leagues within leagues and this and that, but these days, things are very different. The hallucinogenic amount of telly money in circulation means that England clubs of all descriptions can snatch players from Abroad, which means that, even though the top teams aren’t all that, those beneath them are better than ever before.
Take this afternoon, for example: Arsenal are fifth in the league and have 18 points, while Sunderland are 15th in the league and have 11. Both, along with six others in between, will shortly tussle for our pleasure. Good!
To begin with, we have:
Sunderland v Everton
Tottenham v Stoke
West Brom v Newcastle
Good luck picking the outcomes of that lot.
Kick-offs: 1.30pm
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