My partner and I had a fulfilling sex life for years, and then I fell pregnant. Our sex life began to dwindle due to morning sickness and me finding it hard to accept my body shape – I’ve always struggled with self-esteem. Our baby is now eight months old and we both thought I would have returned to “normal” by now, but I’m not convinced I miss sex all that much.
Your concern is very common and understandable; you want to take care of your baby and be as sexually invested as you were pre-pregnancy. At this point in your life as a mother, however, the two roles are mutually exclusive, so stop putting so much pressure on yourself. The reasons for your lack of libido are natural and normal, and it is important that both you and your partner understand that. Hormonal changes may still be playing a part, and the exhaustion you are experiencing as a new mother is bound to turn you off. These things are transient.
The process of bonding with a new baby is meant to take priority over a woman’s sex life, but you will feel more like having sex eventually. What is of most concern is your sense of body image, and complaint of low self-esteem. Sometimes these issues accompany or herald depression, so seeking an evaluation would be wise. Post-partum depression can interrupt the return of desire and arousal and, for that and many other reasons, it needs to be taken seriously.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
