Having just about scraped through the Year of the Chicken, here we are seven days into 2018 and wondering what's in store during the Year of the Dog. It probably won't be all that great, but we'll leave the gloom and doom to the experts. Let's just hope it's a least a bit more enjoyable than the past couple of years which have really been quite awful, and almost of an annus horribilis nature.
Having been born in the Year of the Doggy, I feel obliged to approach the coming 12 months with at least an element of positive thinking, although I could be barking up the wrong tree.
There will of course be familiar Thai tales of disappearing funds, assorted crackdowns, contradictions and cockups, accompanied by explanations featuring half-truths, prevarications and selective memories.
No doubt we will also be treated to regular front page helpings of absurdity and ludicrousness bordering on preposterousness. At least it will be entertaining.
So, here are PostScript's predictions for 2018, culled from unreliable sources, gossipmongers, babblers and tittle-tattlers.
January: Michelin announce the "Isan mixed grill" as the international dish of the year, giving it an auspicious 999 stars. The dish, a mouth-watering combination of fried grasshoppers, boiled moths and roasted beetles, with a desert of deep-fried ants-eggs a la Buri Ram, stunned the judges.
"I have never tasted anything quite like that," remarks one judge before making a quick exit to the bathroom. To celebrate the award the Tourism Authority announces a Miss Grasshopper beauty pageant followed by a Miss Beautiful Moth contest.
February: Social media is abuzz when a photograph is circulated of a passenger reading a book while travelling on the BTS. The bookworm is roundly condemned for "anti-social behaviour" and taking a seat normally reserved for smartphone owners.
March: Hollywood is stunned when the Oscar for best film is awarded to the Thai production, Brief Encounter. It is a dramatic tale featuring a police dragnet for the Phantom Panty Snatcher of Nonthaburi, dubbed the "Knicker Nicker". Starring Sgt "Serpico" Nop in his finest role as he fearlessly tracks down panties, bloomers and bras. Includes the classic line: "You're nicked."
April: International organisations acclaim Thailand's policy on inactive posts as an enlightened economic model which could be a breakthrough for solving unemployment around the world. "Employing people to do nothing is a masterstroke," says one European official. "Thailand definitely leads the way.'' Asked for a reaction, a senior official at the Ministry of Inactive Posts in Bangkok was unavailable for comment as he was fast asleep.
May: It is confirmed the general election will be held in November. Among the new parties registering is the Snoring For Democracy Party, believed to be targeting officials transferred to inactive posts. However, polls suggest the Happiness Party and the Extremely Nice Party are the ones to watch with the Samlor Drivers Liberation Front possibly attracting the fringe element.
June: The tuk-tuk is named by an international motoring magazine as being the most versatile vehicle in the world. It cites its ability to perform a U-turn on a sixpence, and cleverly change direction without any warning whatsoever, often with spectacular results. However they did admit the tuk-tuk has an uncanny knack of stalling at important intersections. Other "teething problems'' include a tendency to end up upside down in the middle of the road and drivers that haven't a clue where they are going.
July: In a rare letter from Edith Clampton (Mrs), the good lady complains Australians don't speak English properly. Following a brief holiday Down Under she was appalled that while looking for a bathroom she was taken to a dreadful thing called a "dunny". She was particularly upset when a waiter insisted on referring to her maid, Khun Hazel, as "Sheila".
August: The Bangkok governor denies his plans for solving traffic gridlock are based on the "Chaos Theory". Asked why traffic in central Bangkok has come to a total standstill he said that as all motorists complain about red lights, a new policy was introduced keeping all traffic lights permanently green. Unfortunately it doesn't seem to have worked.
September: In an abrupt policy change, the next new rail project will feature only steam engines. It follows a poll in which the people clearly doesn't fancy their chances whizzing around on high-speed Thai trains at 200kph and would much prefer sedate travel at a sensible speed associated with steam engines.
October: Animals at Dusit Zoo protest against plans to relocate to Pathum Thani. Leading the demonstration are disgruntled elephants led by "Nelly" who vows to stage a march on all trunk roads.
November: Following the general election, a coalition government is formed, led by the Happiness Party and the Always Changing Sides Party. A spokesman for the latter said the party changed to the winning side at the last minute as a "matter of principle". Among parties that did not fare too well were the Let's Pay Our Taxes Honestly Party and the Total Integrity Party.
December: Bangkok is hit by a massive freak snowstorm. The Tourism Authority announces cut-price skiing holidays and launches a Miss Snowball beauty contest. Edith Clampton (Mrs) lashes the city authorities for not supplying her with a personal snowplough.
Here's wishing everyone the best of luck for 2018. One suspects we will need all the luck we can get.
Contact Postscript via email at oldcrutch@gmail.com
