When he performs his scabrous poem Evidently Chickentown in concert, John Cooper Clarke sometimes makes a joke about how rarely he has appeared on television.
The last time he did the poem on TV, he says, was in 1978. “The beep operators sued for repetitive strain injury.”
To be fair, Chickentown’s horse-race commentary of disgust did appear over the end titles of one of the concluding episodes of The Sopranos. But the punk poet remains something of a cult.
And yet, in recent times Clarke’s acid wit has illuminated Desert Island Discs (his episode is one of the best adverts in favour of Lauren Laverne’s stewardship of the jukebox shipwreck relic).
Even more bizarrely, there was Clarke’s appearance on Celebrity Antiques Road Trip, competing against another poet of the punk era, Phill Jupitus. It’s a treat. And now, the Bard of Salford continues his battle against the formats with an appearance as a model on Sky’s portrait painting contest. He doesn’t say much, but he does get to pose, which is something.
Evidently, Clarke is good at posing. One of the art experts observes that the poet is “one of the most original sitters we’ve had”. This is because he sits “like a praying mantis”. Developing the theme, the slightly amused host Stephen Mangan suggests that Clarke is like “a crow pope”.
Other models are available, of course. This week, the second poser is TV presenter Fearne Cotton, who challenges the artists with her effortless beauty, and apparently a very good nose. “You can imagine Fearne in a Vermeer painting,” somebody says, though Vermeer is not one of the artist contestants, so the theory goes unexplored.
And finally, there is actress Haydn Gwynne, who is quietly graceful and looks a lot like an older, less-performative Fleabag.
What happens? Art against the clock, which may be a contradiction in terms, but that’s where we are — the half-talented member of the public doing something to an unreasonable deadline is the television format of the hour, and if the enforced haste does remove from the artists any inclination to fool around, it rewards speed over technique, and excises entirely the notion of inspiration.
As this is a contest of hobbyists maybe it’s wrong to expect it to aspire to the level of art. The artists do well in the time available, and the experts — Kate Bryan, Tai-Shan Schierenberg and Kathleen Soriano — offer constructive criticism without destroying the confidence of the painters. Tonight’s winner seems obvious, which may just be the luck of the draw. What’s odder is the way the female artists are rated in relation to the men, an imbalance which — anecdotally, at least — seems to mirror what happens on TV chef contests.
Clarke hopes for a portrait that will make him look like “Rock Hudson’s better-looking kid brother”, and if he doesn’t quite get his wish, the poet does deliver a smile in which his golden teeth glister.
Portrait Artist Of The Year is on Sky Arts, 8pm
