Jennifer Aniston must be thrilled that her celebrity mag avatar Poor Jen has morphed, Doctor Who-style, into its new incarnation, Poor Kristen. Poor Jen had survived for over a decade on a diet of “close acquaintances” and unflattering paparazzi shots that transformed a mere blink into rage or despair.
Enter Kristen Stewart, star of the Twilight saga and a subsequent range of infinitely better movies. Before she took on the heavy burden of Poor Kristen, she was simply an actor who nourished the titanic Twilight industry by falling for her co-star Robert Pattinson. This made fans happy, because it meant that her passive, pliable character – who gave up her mortal life so she could have sex with a controlling vampire who would have quite literally banged her to death had she lived – felt that little bit more real.
Alas, life intervened in the fantasy. Stewart was photographed nuzzling the director of her next movie, Snow White and the Huntsman, for which she said she was sorry, publicly and painfully. She and Pattinson broke up, then got back together, then broke up again; a pattern not unfamiliar to any adult who has had a relationship not written as a YA franchise.
But then Pattinson got a new girlfriend, pop star FKA twigs, and like a Ridley Scott alien, Poor Kristen began to emerge. Under the harsh white light of airport arrivals halls and flashbulbs, Poor Kristen must now field barked questions from harried paparazzi on how she feels about her ex-boyfriend’s new relationship every time she travels. It is not often that celebrities truly elicit sympathy from Lost in Showbiz, but given how bleak it is to get the night bus at the best of times, we can only imagine how it might feel to have someone yelling deeply personal questions about a breakup we went through in 2009 as soon as it pulls into the station.
This week, it was rumoured that Pattinson has proposed to his new-ish love, and so the Poor Kristen intensity has finally realised its full Aniston potential. “Sources” have issued statements insisting, with hilarious gravity, that she “will survive” this engagement. On the red carpet for a screening of her latest film, Clouds of Sils Maria, she “forced a smile”, according to one report, accompanied by pictures of the “typically sombre-looking” star looking actually quite happy.
There is, however, one force that may be strong enough to quash Poor Kristen for good, and that is the mighty Gal Pal. LiS has sifted through enough celebrity news to pick up on the inference that Stewart may well be content in her own new relationship. This has been implied using the old-school tabloid code “gal pal”, which, alongside words such as “pins”, “tots” and “bonk”, has not been uttered in real life by anyone since 1987. It is a term so cute and retro that Kirstie Allsopp once tried to reupholster her sofa with it. Stewart is regularly photographed with her gal pal, being all gally and pally, usually “dressed down”, which may also be code, like “comfortable shoes”. If they really are dressed down together, then it’s unlikely that she gives a stuff about what her ex from two years ago is up to.
The best insight into this whole saga came from Stewart herself, who, in between starring in decent independent movies and winning acting awards and fronting Chanel campaigns, took time to refuse to add grist to the mill. “It’s a new industry – celebrity news is a whole new form of entertainment – and it’s a huge, booming, fucking money-making industry, so why would it stop?” Stewart has not said anything more, about Pattinson or her gal-palling, and Pattinson hasn’t said anything about his “engagement”, and Twilight finished years ago, so why are we all drowning in fan fiction, still?
