ON IT GOES
Today, possibly speaking through a microphone provided by Manchester United’s official microphone supplier to a wide-eyed audience kept that way by Manchester United’s official matchstick supplier, suit-in-chief Ed Woodward said something very interesting. Nah, only joshing. He said: “The robustness of our business model continues to be reflected in our strong quarterly financial results and we remain on track to deliver record revenues for the year.” Here we go, here we go, here we go!
In fairness to Woodward ... nah, only joshing.
Today, speaking through a microphone that sometimes crackles a little but which is going to come good one of these years, you just wait and see, Arsène Wenger called for Arsenal fans to put down the Wenger Out placards and pick up the pompoms. The Fiver presumes that said pompoms are available to premium members in the club shop at £65-a-pop so there’ll be no excuse for continued stroppiness from Gooners at their team’s next game. Nor, as far as Wenger is concerned, was there any reasonable justification for the lack of cheering in Arsenal’s last two games, which ended in understandable defeats to Chelsea and Watford, which is just the way things sometimes go. “You cannot be a fan until last Tuesday and not be behind the team this Saturday – it doesn’t make sense,” quibbled Wenger, offering a subtle variation on the ballsy ‘you cannot think a manager was the right man for the job in 2004 but not in 2017, it doesn’t make sense’ argument.
“It is never over!” stormed Wenger of his reign. No, hang on, apparently he was talking about Arsenal’s title hopes for the season. No joshing! “We absolutely have to be united, otherwise we have no chance to do it,” Wenger is reported to have explained, but who’s to say he didn’t use a capital U? Practically, that would have made about as much sense, right?
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“When I see what’s happening today I just remember my thing, my family and how people don’t want you in their country. I understand people want to protect themselves, but people don’t have homes. It’s not their fault; they’re fighting for their lives just to save their kids. They want a secure place for their kids and their futures. I went through all this and I know what some families are going through. Give them a chance, give them a chance. You can see who the good people are and who are not” – Liverpool’s Dejan Lovren talks extremely eloquently about his childhood as a refugee.
FIVER LETTERS
“Even as an extremely moderate and mixed American conservative, I don’t mind the very frequent political humour aimed consistently in one direction. However, you’ll have to try harder in the future than yesterday’s Fiver, in which you equivocated two presidents who have virtually nothing in common besides a perception of evil and current party. Tricky D1cky was a career politician with foreign policy chops and the ability to, you know, govern, while everyone’s favourite Home Alone cameo (maybe not so much these days) is decidedly none of those in the slightest. They are a completely different brand of odious, and the comparison is lazy and inaccurate (so I guess another day at The Fiver). Seriously, could you name anything else that Mr Wall and Mr Watergate have in common? I guess they’re both American, and like(d) being vulgar and handegg …. but I repeat myself. If for some reason you print this, feel free to edit out the bad parts (so probably you’d be including a blank email with just a byline) and do me a favour and make up a cartoonishly stereotypical American name rather than printing my actual name. I’m not big on attaching my name to political talk online” – Billy-Bob Chadklaxon Snr IV.
“Not only was The Fiver not the first to come up with the use of Billy Joel in a football context, Marc Sinfield et al (yesterday’s Fiver letters) weren’t either. The Memories recorded this to celebrate O’Ireland’s qualification for World Cup 90” – Neal Butler.
“If you ask Zachery Stephenson nicely maybe he’ll do a proper musical version for you – he did a pretty good job with Manic Street Preachers biographer Simon Price’s lyrics for Mertesacker Emptiness” – Nick Payne.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Rollover.
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
A former Peterborough youth player has spoken of his anger that “nothing was done” after alleging four years ago that he was groomed and brainwashed by coach Bob Higgins.
Here’s the latest twist in the Millwall FC land-grab debacle.
Overshadowing the news that Brexit has cost Manchester United £87m in rising debt, look: Wayne Rooney slicing a giant cheese.
Read the new bestseller: Sour Grapes of Wrath, by up-and-coming novelist Steve McClaren and based on Leicester’s 3-1 FA Cup replay win over Derby. “Our main focus is a play-off place, our main focus is the Championship. We didn’t need this replay,” he pinged into his typewriter. “I don’t think Leicester needed this replay and I think maybe the FA have to look at this competition and say, ‘Let’s just have one tie,’ because nobody wanted this replay.”
And Newcastle midfielder Cheick Tioté has trousered a move to Chinese second-tier outfit Beijing Enterprises.
STILL WANT MORE?
Nic Anelka. Same dodgy glasses. New controversy.
Amy Lawrence has spoken to Steve Walters, who suffered historical sexual abuse and says a number of high-profile clubs have resisted backing the Offside Trust he helped set up to support victims.
Liga MX is the best attended league outside of Europe; there are two champions every year; every game counts; and tickets are as cheap as £2. What’s not to like, asks Richard Foster.
Lazy teenagers: Alan Smith isn’t just a co-commentator on Fifa 17, he was also a pretty handy player, and scored this here Golden Goal for Arsenal in a 1989 title decider. Nick Miller has more.
Barney Ronay starts this Millwall piece on Sir Steve Bullock with an anecdote about Lewisham’s ‘Mayor Bananaman’ inadvertently addressing a crowd of voters as “effing idiots”. Read on.
Gabriel Jesus looks to be a bit spesh, so Jamie Jackson picked five overseas signings who stormed into the English game, including 1977 European Footballer of the Year Allan Simonsen, who joined Charlton from Barcelona.
David Hytner makes the case for Vincent Janssen.
Get your eyes around this week’s Classic YouTube.
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