The Great British Bake Off is back, which means two things.
We will hear a lot of “jokes” about soggy bottoms even though they stopped being in any way amusing back in 1807. And I will be left out.
I’ve never seen a single episode of GBBO. Not in a taking-a-stand type way, just... I don’t get it. Cooking is boring. I wouldn’t want to watch cooking if I was doing it, let alone someone I don’t know, and then I don’t even get to eat the thing afterwards.
I’m not anti-Bake Off, more Bake Off agnostic. I’m happy for it to go on, and for the people who like it to enjoy it, I’m just never going to get involved. It’s not for me. And so, I’m left out.
Luckily I have had a lot of experience. Stuff has been sweeping the nation – and sometimes the globe – that leaves me cold ever since I can remember. There’s so much that everyone else loves and I hate, like...
Talking about how you’d spend the money if you won the lottery
This is most of my friends’ favourite conversation. Whenever my husband and I try to have it, we’re arguing within seconds.
We disagree on who we’d give cash to. He wants to keep our win secret, I reckon people might suspect once we moved to the mansion.
He wants a holiday home – and this is where the chat breaks down, because I just have too much anxiety about the reliability of the hypothetical staff looking after this imaginary property.
Star Wars
Never seen it. Never want to see it. The end.
Coffee
I would genuinely like to like this, because it’s really grown-up to go for a coffee/really need a coffee etc. But it tastes like death. And why would you drink death when tea is so delicious?
All sport
Olympics, World Cups, The Ashes. Whatevs.
Summer
Sweaty, terrible lighting, masses of extra effort required grooming-wise, pressure to be having the best time ever... but how can you be when you’re so sweaty, being seen in terrible lighting, and exhausted from all the extra grooming?
Peanut Butter
Overrated. Massively.
Anything Royal that isn’t about Harry and Meghan
After watching The Crown I do have new respect for the Queen, but come on, at this point we’ve seen her do everything a bazillion times, and she’s unlikely to get a new storyline at this stage, so I’m out. William and Kate can bore off. Don’t get me started on Eugenie etc.
Doing shots
Puke.
Social Media
Permission to be a terrible narcissist and make everyone you know – oh, and complete strangers – feel awful, because their life isn’t as good as the one you are pretending to have.
Birthdays
Birthdays are the opposite of children – other people’s are fine, but your own are unbearable.
There’s nothing less fun than your birthday party – and having Happy Birthday sung to you falls somewhere between severe punishment and literal torture, depending on how well-adjusted you are.
Avocados
The Peanut Butter of the fruit world. Yes, it is actually a fruit not a vegetable – see, everything about it is annoying.
