We’re on the brink of a viral apocalypse. This global pandemic is seemingly unstoppable. There’s a very serious threat to our lives.
So how are we protecting ourselves?
With loo roll.
Americans are apparently stockpiling bullets. Us? Andrex – quilted, ideally. And so, while all is literally not right with the world, at the same time, all is.
There’s something strangely comforting here. It’s a very British version of hysteria.
It also provides proper insight into what we value most about 21st century western civilisation. They may take our lives, but they will never take our clean bottoms.
Clearly we care more about being able to sit down comfortably and get rid of food than about having enough to eat in the first place. It’s hard not to be proud.
At first people were baffled by those stockpiling loo roll. It was all a bit of a joke. Then they noticed the empty shelves in every supermarket. They started wondering if the loo roll stockpilers knew something that they didn’t, and if so, what? Next came the terrible thought that maybe the stockpilers were the sensible ones.
Perhaps the rest of us would only appreciate the logic behind stockpiling loo roll when it was too late to stockpile loo roll. If you can’t understand ’em, join ’em. Just in case. That’s how loo roll became the most precious commodity in the country. Gold isn’t infused with aloe vera for a more gentle wipe, after all.
#panickbuying began trending on Twitter – and yes, the spelling is much more upsetting than the idea of our imminent demises. Costco members – who can only make purchases in such large quantities that some of them have had to buy second homes for storage – were even more smug than usual.
But while it’s easy to laugh at this – it’s about bums! Tee hee! – if you take a moment to properly analyse (intended) what we’re up to, it’s not so funny. You don’t have to be a psychologist to work out that what we’re panic-buying links perfectly to the fact that we’re all cr*pping ourselves. The news about coronavirus gets more frightening every day, and it’s hard not to feel helpless.
Washing your hands while slowly singing Happy Birthday to yourself is the kind of thing that a character in a film would do to establish that they’re unhinged, or a baddie, or an unhinged baddie. It’s ridiculous, creepy, comical. And yet, somehow also our best bet when it comes to life-saving.
The quickest way to combat feeling powerless is to DO something. Take action, try to feel a bit more in control. And the thing we have chosen to DO is buy loo roll.
It’s a coping strategy, to help manage the anxiety of, you know, possibly dying and that. It’s not hurting anyone, except maybe a few bad planners with IBS. And if it’s working for you, me or anyone, then how can it be wrong?
We’re all in this together. An Australian newspaper just printed some extra pages, in a bid to help out if there is a toilet paper shortage in the near future. And I want to do my part too.
So if you’re worried about running low, you hereby have my full permission to use this page in the loo. Needs must.
But please – be kind. At least fold it so my face is on the inside.
