Unexpected coronavirus side-effect number 9,675,773: it has rendered two of the most cutting put-downs obsolete.
Both “You need to get out more” and “You have too much time on your hands” are temporarily moot.
I remind you of this before telling you what I’m obsessing about. And I do not use that word lightly. Obsessing.
One of the possible ways out of All This has just been suggested, and it’s along the lines of the old BT Friends and Family scheme.
You choose 10 people who you’ll be able to start hanging out with in little social “bubbles” to ease out of lockdown.
The technical term is, apparently, “contact clustering”. The reality is, definitely, SOCIAL MINEFIELD. The logistics of this are causing me almost as much anxiety as coronavirus itself.
It’s an extremely delicate situation rife with potential awkwardness, where the possibility of offending is immense, at a time when the offendee has hours and hours to dwell on it.
Being allowed to see people could actually be worse for our relationships than social isolating.
We’re not going to be able to pop in and out of these arrangements – the decisions we make now are for the who-knows- how-long haul.
So how do you choose? What if you choose someone who doesn’t choose you?
Can the relationship ever recover? Who brings it up first?
What if two parties want to choose each other, but neither dares start the conversation because they’re scared of rejection, so instead they all end up in reluctant clusters with the wrong people, by default? And on that subject, what if you suspect you’re someone’s pity pick?
Or you have a sneaking feeling that you weren’t their first choice? Do you accept your sloppy seconds status, or hope your pride keeps you company instead?
What if you have a friend you love, who has a partner you don’t? You probably can’t just have one of them, because they’ll come into contact with each other.
So, inevitably, some of your precious spaces are bound to be taken up with dead wood, who you will then resent even more than you already do.
What if your kids have mates they’re desperate to see, who have parents you’re desperate not to?
What if you’ve just started dating someone, and they’re ready to commit to picking you but you don’t feel the same yet, or vice versa?
Would it be worse to get too many offers – so you have to cynically weigh up your options – or too few – so you have to have an existential crisis?
Also, what is the etiquette here? Could you really say no if someone you don’t want to be with asks you? It would be just my luck to end up only being able to spend time with people I hate, out of politeness.
And what about the pressure on you once you’re picked?
You’ll have to constantly be on your A-game, full of fun, entertaining stories and great bants, giving party bags full of loo roll and flour after every gathering.
Sensing someone had choosers’ remorse about you would be hard for any ego to take.
Amidst all this confusion and paranoia, thankfully one thing is completely clear.
If my hairdresser’s reading this – we’re picking each other, right?
