And a fiddly-dee-dee with the waves lapping against the shore. It’s Bodmin Assizes Part Two! But is Francis dead? Of course not. I said he would miss his own head. “It misfired ... the flint went down but the powder did not ignite ... I agree it’s in very poor taste to use your hospitality for such a purpose.” What a fantastically British way of saying: “Sorry for trying to kill myself in your hotel room, old chap.”
Not only was Francis saved but Ross too. And what a good job the trial turned out to be a total waste of time, because a series about the sensible side of the family would be no fun at all. And we certainly can’t rely on Evil George or Boring Francis to take their shirts off. Although I reckon Dr Ennis would step up if pressed. Still, not a total waste of time as this was an extremely dramatically engaging episode with many tears shed. It was all nicely layered and cleverly built up. Because, I mean, I love Bodmin Assizes as much as the next fan of the late 18th-century Cornish legal system but LA Law this wasn’t. There were times when I wondered if it was all going to go on a bit. But mostly I was just weeping and empathising with #TeamRoss.
We began with a flashback to Ross and Demelza in happier times. Oh why must she always wear mustard and moss green? There is a Demelza palette. Is the wardrobe mistress on a deal with Colour Me Beautiful? (Demelza is definitely an Autumn. Elizabeth is a Winter.) For a meeting with Bergerac, though, it has to be claret, darling!
It all went a bit Brexit when the vote was announced and the riot broke out. See how useful it is to have a clear majority, eh? (Topical!) But this needed to happen so Ross could witness someone who was about to die and therefore be further tempted into lowering himself by apologising for a crime he didn’t commit. Meeting Beardy Ginger Riot-Inciting Man was not a good omen. As Ross took to the dock, his scar shining in the sunlight, even I began to believe that he might be guilty and I haven’t had a penny from Evil George.
“So you go to the gallows on a point of principle?” “I appreciate your efforts but I cannot put my name to beggary and flattery.” Oh, Ross. Paint a penitent figure and escape the worst, I tell you! Do it, otherwise the next eight episodes will be six-pack-free and the fortunes of BBC1 cannot weather this loss. “That is why you must grovel. Do so now. Or you will not live to see the sun rise tomorrow.” (More weeping at this point.)
But it was not to be. “I make no apology for my actions. In truth, I would do the same again.” This was an excellent TED talk on morality and self-belief. It wasn’t ideal when trying to save yourself from the gallows. Dr Ennis summed it up: “I have heard more penitent speeches.” But then it turned out they were just toying with us and the jury saved the day! Let’s have a party on the beach with some driftwood and a horse. Oh, the relief. “To Ross!”
Pewter Tankard Award for Bonkers Brilliance as Supporting Actor
The Derren Brown of Poldark, that notorious card sharp Aunt Agatha, winner of last week’s award, made a brief early bid for victory with this excellent exchange. Elizabeth: “Not once have I known you forecast an outcome that was remotely cheering.” Derren Brown: “I’m not divining the future. I’m entertaining myself with a game of snap. Go to Bodmin, Elizabeth.”
But she was not in the episode enough to hold on to the much-coveted tankard. Instead, that honour must go to the Sindy doll dog woman, Caroline Penvenen (the insufferably young, delicious and beautiful Gabriella Wilde), for the faces that she makes whenever Dr Ennis enters the room. As he took to the stand to defend his friend, she looked as if she wanted to eat him and his doctor’s case. The weedy politician is not long for this world.
Classic Poldark lines
“I is ’ard of ’earing so it’s likely I mis‘eard what they said.” Go, Judd! Thank heaven for people with peculiar loyalties. Give the man a drink. Actually, don’t do that.
“Is it always like this in Bodmin?” “I couldn’t say. I live near Truro.” I want this on a T-shirt. Underneath the T-shirt I will wear my nudey mining secret tribute six-pack.
“I ask you to think of the traditions of our county.” A rousing statement, but one which also suggests that one of the main traditions of Cornish life is waiting for booty to be washed up on the beach so you can plunder it. Which I’m sure is not what he meant ...
Regulation reverse sexism bare chest moment
“Candles burning ... The scent of new-picked violets ...” There was a final chance for the chest to come out at Ross’s homecoming, but it was not to be. We must surmise from the lack of chest this week that either the producers have got cocky and think they can keep the viewers happy with storylines, cinematography and great acting alone. Or Aidan Turner has finally had the clause inserted into his contract that he has been gunning for all long: “No more nudey mining and scything. Mr Turner is a proper actor. He is not a girl.” This turn of events can’t end well. I will be monitoring the viewing figures carefully.
Next week
Demelza struggles to convince Ross that her pregnancy is good news. Evil George’s henchman Tankard reveals his hand. And Dr Ennis draws ever inevitably closer to the Sindy doll dog woman.
