Well, if I don’t suddenly have a fancy to sing a song about pilchards while wearing cream stockings. Ross and Demelza are back in love! But for how long? As we enter the last few hours of the second series, I feel as if we’re headed for an extended showdown between Demelza and Elizabeth, between Ross and Evil George and between Cornwall and the Rest of the World (not that anywhere else really counts in Poldark World).
This was a belter of an episode with a happy ending that feels likely to be short-lived. But before Sindy doll dog woman saved the day (as surely we knew she would), this was the most miserable Christmas ever. Even Aunt Agatha was unimpressed by her gift. “Rosewater? Do I require a fumigant?” And Elizabeth’s mother was not keen on her handmade shawl which, knowing how practical her daughter is, much have taken Elizabeth about 17 years to knit. “Just the thing for guarding the fire and avoiding society!”
Isn’t Elizabeth’s acquiescence getting a bit tiresome? Ross gave her all his money and Evil George is sending Geoffrey Charles to Oxbridge. Honestly, what more does she need? Don’t go to Evil George’s dodgy Christmas party, Elizabeth. He’ll only embarrass you by wearing a reindeer jumper. Have a quiet time at home instead. Avoid the sweetmeats and massive ornamental pork pie served with a side order of treacherous lechery.
“If he wants to win your approval, let him.” No Elizabeth, don’t let him! Geoffrey Charles deserves better. He is already living with the affliction of this name, don’t make him have Evil George as a stepfather too. It must be nice to be Elizabeth. Everyone wants to give you giant fruit baskets and posh fruit pastilles in gold caskets and loads of money. This is what comes of having luscious hair and special lady dresses so sumptuous that they spread right over the whole backside of your horse. I really wish Evil George would just marry Elizabeth’s mother instead. They are clearly made for each other in a Charles and Camilla kind of way.
Meanwhile Ross’s pantomime about the “nameless gentleman” covered him in no glory. I wish he would stop going to visit Elizabeth. It’s really annoying. If I were Demelza, I’d smother him with his white shirt, fancy new stockings or not. “Demelza has resources which Elizabeth does not.” Basically, Demelza can eat grass if necessary. Is that really fair? Especially when her instinct that it is a bad idea to allow people to bury smuggled goods under your floorboards is an excellent one. We await confirmation that Charlie is the traitor as surely is obvious.
This week’s high points? Evil George’s Evil Uncle getting in a paddy about the collapse of the promissory note. “Does half of Cornwall need to hear of this small setback?” And I did enjoy the unsuccessful dressing-down of Dr Enys by Bergerac. “I am a gentleman.” “And she is an heiress.” “A penniless doctor could wed such a fortune and yet not be eclipsed by it!” Go, Dr Enys! Although there won’t be much left of the £6,000 once she has given loads of it to Ross (and probably eventually or by extension to Elizabeth, who will spend it on hair-intensifying treatments).
Pewter tankard award for bonkers brilliance as supporting actor
A tankard of medicinal brandy to Dr Enys for his character transformation this week, from mild-mannered country doctor to vanquishing hero standing up to Bergerac. At first I worried he had gone all Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Why is he carrying around a saw to cut off dead people’s legs? Ah! He is doing his experiments in basic anatomy. How gruesomely resourceful is he. “Let’s not let this washed-up corpse go to waste. I’ll cut off the leg and take it home with me.” This is just the sort of man Sindy doll dog woman needs. Imagine their kitchen. What’s a few hacked-off limbs between husband and wife?
Where will they live, though? “Could you not set up in Oxford or Bath?” No, he doesn’t want to work for BUPA. But he doesn’t mind a canter across the beach in a brief but beautiful scene. This classic quip from Sindy was also most enjoyable: “Is she [Demelza] the sort of woman that all men adore except her husband?” No, mostly her husband adores her too. When he’s not visiting Elizabeth. Which is, admittedly, the whole time.
Classic Poldark lines
“To Trenwith, to see Elizabeth.” “Is Verity’s company not enough for her?” Come now, Demelza, you know Verity doesn’t have a six-pack.
“Was there ever a sorrier and less deserved end?” Yes, it’s so true. Poor Francis. If only he had learned to swim. And all for the sake of Fool’s Copper!
“Why don’t you smile, mama?” “Smiling makes lines on the face.” Truly Elizabeth lives by the Creed of Victoria Beckham.
“Without you, nothing is possible.” Paging Bono: this would have been a much better song title.
Regulation reverse sexism bare chest moment
Well, it was all about the stocking seduction scene tonight and that was all in the eyes. Elsewhere, a glimpse of naked back and shoulder. That’s your lot. Move along, now, nothing to see.
Next week
Demelza is mooning on the cliffside. (Not that kind of mooning.) Ross and Elizabeth have rowed. Aunt Agatha is getting violent. And something bad is afoot for Dr Enys. We may need more than cheery pilchard songs to get through this.
