Oh my goodness. The last time my heart beat so fast I was watching The Shining. Forget “Here’s Johnny!” This was “Here’s the blood-stained Customs and Excise Officer!” Is there anything more terrifying? In the library, with the third Proclaimer? But Ross was under the floorboards all along, guys. I’m surprised he didn’t dig a tunnel to Wheal Grace and look for some copper en route. Phew.
“I don’t like folks takin’ advantage. And neither do Ross.” Well, take advantage they did and it all went very bad indeed, just as Demelza knew it would. Heavens, the tension! Charlie may not have had a genuine fever, but I did.
Will Dr Enys make it to his rendezvous? Will Ross get arrested for smuggling? Is Charlie going to kill Dr Enys with a blunt cheese knife? Will the third Proclaimer take advantage of Demelza? Will Horace the pug trip the Sindy doll on the steps as she tries to escape Bergerac? It was all too much.
Obviously we love Ross and think the best of him. But, really, was this the best idea? Run away and punch everyone in your path, even when they’ve recognised you? Well, unbelievably, it did turn out to be the right thing to do. For now. Even if it did mean burying himself under the floor of his own library for, what, 48 hours?
Could he meanwhile have had time to move Charlie’s corpse to save Dr Enys from suspicion? Presumably we will find out next week. Because someone moved Charlie’s corpse. And poor, poor Sindy doll. I know she divides opinion but she didn’t deserve this, not after all her citrus donations.
First, though, we went on location to the Scilly Isles where Ross met the beardiest man in the history of beards. How exciting. It was like EastEnders goes to Marbella. Only Beard Man cannot remember what he seed because he was fair crazed that night. “That surgeon, ‘twas he I should’ve killed!” Then he remembered the fine quartzy rock and everyone realised he was one pasty short of a picnic. “To pin everything on the ramblings of a man crazed with grief and rage ...” Too right, Ross. A wasted trip indeed. Especially as you could have swum there naked and brightened it up for all of us. I could’ve told you Mark Daniel was a busted flush, Ross, and I haven’t even read the books.
Meanwhile Elizabeth has become rather suddenly angry. Sure, Prudie could’ve passed her note on to Ross, but still. The extreme animosity between Elizabeth and Demelza has grown up seemingly overnight. It’s understandable in the circumstances, but I’m not sure how believable it is. I do wish this whole thing could move at the pace we want it to, rather than having to follow the pace of the books.
I loved the hilarious superfluous call-back to the little boy’s colouring book (“I’ll be damned, if that isn’t young Hubert’s ruby red etchings”) and the collapsed-in-a-heap scene with Jud, Prudie and Demelza (“the noble art of Cornish wrestling!”) But there was otherwise little light relief here as we gear up to the last three episodes of series two – accompanied by a joyous confirmation this week that series three is already being filmed. The only thing is, I don’t know how anyone is going to pay for it because there are only two weeks of coal left.
Pewter tankard award for bonkers brilliance as supporting actor
Sindy doll dog woman wins the tankard hands down and she has taken it off to London, head held high, Horace quivering in her lap. “Farewell. I shall never see you again.” Harsh! She also wins the prize for Most Restrained Letter Ever Written to Someone Who Didn’t Turn Up To Run Away to Marry You in the Middle of the Night. There could have been more suspense here.
We always knew he wasn’t going to make it, and not just because he felt bad. “My honour has been compromised before ... though her death was not at my hands ... it is on my conscience.” In any case, I wasn’t sure if Sindy doll was ready for the less-romantic reality of life in Bath with the good doctor and a delayed inheritance. And Horace definitely couldn’t have coped with a year without marzipan.
Classic Poldark lines
“I will always have reason to call ... if you wish it.” “I wish it.” Oh, get a room, for heaven’s sake.
“For the first time in my life, I feel old.” Don’t worry! I will help you feel young again, Ross.
“Fingering her knee when you think there’s no one looking.” Doctor, how could you?
Regulation reverse sexism bare chest moment
No reverse sexism required because it was all too exciting already. Who needs a naked bath when you can get ambushed by customs officers? Someone tell EL James to put more customs officers in her next book.
Next week...
Ross is back in court. Elizabeth’s mother has had a turn. Bad things are happening in the mine. I may need a sedative.
