GOING DUTCH
The Fiver has heard a lot about the future of managers and coaches over the past few days, what with Roy Keane claiming clubs with USA! USA!! USA!!! owners would rather a coach “who’s got the whistle around his neck, a clipboard and a tan, and really white teeth” instead of, presumably, a man more likely to grapple players in his office and get the team to take shots at him in an attempt to embarrass a goalkeeper already lacking morale.
Still, this tendency to appoint a coach completely different to the last failure brings to mind Everton, who after sacking a man unable to teach his players how to defend – despite having the Future of Defending, John Stones, in his team – are hoping to replace him with one of the best centre-halves of all time. Ever since Bobby M went through the door marked Do One last month, driving an imaginary car to a backing track of Jason Derulo, Ronald Koeman has been marked as Farhad Moshiri’s No1 target. And with confirmation imminent it all looks to be a good fit – except, perhaps, for one member of the Dutchman’s backroom staff. Poor Sammy Lee. Almost 200 appearances and several seasons spent as a coach at Anfield will not endear you to those at Goodison, but even by the Fiver’s scanty standards that infamous “Sammy Lee drinks his own [Snip! – Fiver lawyers]” banner from the 2009 FA Cup final was below the belt.
It is hard not to feel a tad sorry for Southampton during all this, too. After losing Mauricio Pochettino to Tottenham two years ago, they are being fleeced again. Victims of their own undoubted success, they will not keep appointing successful replacements and there will also be immediate conjecture about which players will follow Koeman to Merseyside. All the usual names are in the mix to replace him – from André Villas-Boas to, er, Egil Ostenstad. Bournemouth’s Eddie Howe is the bookmakers’ favourite but to gauge how much that means it is worth recalling one particular gambling chain excitedly announcing their market for the next Celtic manager was closed because so much money was put on Keane. And who got that job? A man with glistening skin and a sparkling smile. A lesson, if nothing else, that sometimes veiled barbs can be a tad too obvious.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“You were grappling with security guards inside a football ground when all they were trying to do is keep the peace. You were doing exactly the opposite” – District Judge Tim Spruce lightens Nottingham Forest fan Liam Fryer’s wallet of £300, and sentences him to a three-year banning order with 180 hours of community service for biting the testicles of a security guard during a scuffle in the club’s December home match against Nasty Leeds.
FIVER LETTERS
“I assume that Mike Wilner’s winning e-mail in Friday’s Fiver was so funny that you didn’t print it for fear of making the Fiver funny” – Bryan Fletcher (and 1,056 others).
“Can I remind James Johnson (Friday’s letters) that while Leeds were earning the sobriquet ‘Nasty’, Taxpayers FC were winning a World Cup and the People’s Stadium is merely a belated gift from a grateful nation” – Rob Graham.
“Re: Bale = Welsh Him = Ef from Friday’s letters. Wouldn’t Cwm Rhondda [it’s a Welsh Hymn! Honk! – Fiver Joke Speller Outer] be more iconic and less controversial than Ef Bale” – Neale Redington.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Neale Redington.
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BITS AND BOBS
Álvaro Morata’s interrail pass could come in for some heavy use this summer, as Chelsea hope he will move from Juventus to Real Madrid, and then to Stamford Bridge, all while playing for Spain at Euro 2016 in France.
Russia have called up the Zenit St Petersburg midfielder Artur Yusupov after he happened to be staying in the same Monaco hotel as the rest of the squad. “I didn’t even have my football boots with me and none of the clothes that I needed,” shrugged Yusupov.
José Mourinho is expected to give evidence at former Chelsea doctor Eva Carneiro’s employment tribunal, which began in Croydon today.
Overpriced football gear latest: Geoff Hurst’s shirt from the World Cup final could fetch £500,000 next month.
Copa América organisers have apologised after playing the Chilean national anthem instead of Uruguay’s – which, coincidentally, is the longest in the world. “This evening during the pre-match ceremony, due to human error, we inadvertently played the incorrect national anthem,” tootled tournament organisers.
Wes Morgan did feature in the tournament for Jamaica, though, despite initially being ruled out due to party-knack. “He partied in London and Thailand,” said coach Winfried Schäfer. “He is tired; that is clear.”
And Russell Slade has left Vincent Tan’s Cardiff to join the party at Charlton.
STILL WANT MORE?
It’s the Sids! Put the kettle on and take some time to enjoy Sid Lowe’s complete review of the 2015-16 La Liga season – featuring the Nevilles’ very best palm-to-forehead moments.
Impressive personal grooming’s Olivier Giroud tells Igor Mladenovic why now is the time for this talented France team to make history.
Are Spain in the midst of an identity crisis? Chema R Bravo serves up Spain’s team guide ahead of the Euros.
If your Spanish football needs are still not satisfied, here’s Marcel Beltran with the skinny on the European champions’ ever-reliable full-back, Juanfran.
Will Croatia make their mark on Euro 2016? Not likely, says pessimism’s Aleksandar Holiga, who also has the inside track on Ivan Perisic’s journey from chicken farm saviour to one of Croatia’s key men.
From hunting down gluten-free pizza, to becoming the Czech Republic’s heart and lungs: Michal Petrak on Vladimír Darida and on the side’s chances in France.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
