EGALITÉ, FRATERNITÉ, LAFFERTÉ?
If The Fiver wanted a diverse selection of opinions from 24 football experts on the eve of Le Grand Kick-Off in L’Euro 2016, it would just turn around on its stool at The Colourful Barf and revive all the patrons. But French journal L’Equipe fancies itself as a classier sort of organ so it decided to show off today by bringing together top former players from each of the competing nations and pumping them for tips. None of the ex-players came out with a declaration as bold as Kyle Lafferty’s assertion to other hacks that “if I turn up we can beat anyone,” nor an addendum as confusing as the Northern Ireland’s striker’s claim that “I’ve got so much belief it’s unbelievable”. But there was plenty of entertaining big talk, all the same.
Rudi Völler, for instance, saw no point mincing his words because he’s convinced he won’t be eating them: “Germany will win the Euros,” announced the German with the certainty of a man performing a calculation as elementary as £2+£2 = one pint. “Germany are the world champions and they have not got worse in the last two years,” he continued, as Mats Hummels tried to join the conversation but failed because he was way out of position. Meanwhile, former Turkey goalkeeper Rustu Recber was also adamant his country would go far: “We will reach the semi-finals, that is for sure,” blared Rustu, who has seen the future so clearly that he even knows who the other three semi-finalists will be: Germany, France and Spain.
The Spanish representative, Fernando Morientes, reckoned the Turk was talking bull. “Spain?” blurted Morientes before delivering his own verdict: “Quarter-finals.” Which brings us, of course, to England. Chris Waddle was invited by L’Equipe to discuss his country’s chances and his response was to take a massive club to the seal pup of English optimism. “The English will get to the quarter-finals, as usual,” drawled Waddle. “Even if every player performs at the top of his game, England are only the sixth, seventh or eighth best team in the tournament.” Bang on? Or do Mr Roy’s men have what it takes to show Waddle’s appraisal is as far off the target as a certain 1990 penalty?
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The fan is interested in emotions. And real emotions are only generated in the knockout stages, that’s where it’s at. We’ve seen that in our incredible meetings with Juve and Atlético. It needs to be discussed whether the introduction of the ‘Champions Path’, which is open to every champion in Europe, also of the small associations, was a right” – Bayern chief suit Karl-Heinz Rummenigge there, suggesting that it’s time to boot those pesky lowly champions out of Big Cup.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Tim Grey’s concern that the England squad will blame their exit on the quality of the French grass (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Surely that won’t wash as, in the words of Inspector Clouseau, that would simply be ‘turf luck’” – Marisa Cardoni.
“Wayne Rooney saying: ‘I’ll never play for another Premier League club.’ I’m happy to see he’s come to accept it” – James Keidel.
“Like R Reisman (yesterday’s letters), my surname also comes from an area that my father often described as ‘The Austro-Hungarian Empire’. He taught me that with words from that part of the world which have either an ‘ei’ or an ‘ie’ in them you stress the last letter. So his father was right (Rise-man) and his uncle was wrong (Rees-man). If he thinks he’s got problems, you try explaining how to pronounce ‘cz’ on a daily basis” – Gerald Kreinczes (Krine-chess).
“Adidas spelling ‘Columbia’ wrong (yesterday’s Quote of the Day)? Pfff. Try being from ‘Middlesborough’. The words ‘daily’ and ‘basis’ spring to mind” – James Cane.
“In the ‘Still Want More’ section of yesterday’s Fiver, there was mentioned a trip to the North Pole via Iceland. I am sure I am not the first to point out that Reykjavik is not halfway from London to the North Pole. To get to the North Pole, one would go due north approximately 2,668 miles, parallel to the Prime Meridian. Going by way of Reykjavik would take someone far off course. If some unfortunate fool (The Fiver, perhaps) were to try to get to the Pole via Reykjavik as the halfway point of the trip, you’d travel 2,354 miles and end up well short of the final destination. Hopefully you have a good flotation device and a dry suit to keep you warm in the cold waters of the North Atlantic. On second thought, perhaps The Fiver should attempt that trip and strand itself in the North Atlantic” – Steve Mintz.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … James Keidel.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Euro 2016 Football Daily rolls on to previewing Groups D, E and F. Join AC Jimbo and co now. And there will be shows throughout the tournament, recorded at the end of every matchday.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Why 24 is a rubbish number for a knockout tournament.
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BITS AND BOBS
One-man Wales team Gareth Bale insists he is not a one-man team. “People can write what they want, but we all know that we work very hard on the training pitch every day,” he honked.
Knack has forced former Liverpool tattoo Daniel Agger to call time on his career. “It’s sad, but it is the right decision to stop,” he said.
Michael Carrick, 86, has agreed a one-year contract extension with Manchester United, tooting: “It’s great to have the opportunity to work under José Mourinho.”
Everton’s Darron Gibson is also staying put, albeit with a fresh two-year deal. “I had a few options but as long as Everton were giving me the option I was never going anywhere else,” parped the Republic O’Ireland man. “People say ‘Once Everton has touched you’ and it is true.”
Here’s another one: pen + paper + Jermain Defoe = new one-year deal with Sunderland. “Jermain is one of the greatest goalscorers in the history of the Premier League,” roared Sam Allardyce, taking time out from his shape-throwing.
Philippe Coutinho’s hat-trick helped Brazil belt Haiti 7-1 at the Copa América. “I’m just happy we scored a goal,” cheered Haiti’s James Marcelin.
Bradford boss Phil Parkinson is inching towards the managerial vacancy at Bolton.
And Quique Sánchez Flores is the new coach of Espanyol.
STILL WANT MORE?
Brace yourselves for a defensive Euro 2016, warns Jonathan Wilson.
It’s the picture that defines Wales’s ‘Together, Stronger’ spirit, apparently. Here’s Stuart James.
Which Euro 2016 team are you? Take Tom Bryant’s test.
Wrapping up our Experts’ Network previews, here are team guides for Portugal, Hungary and Iceland. With profiles on Renato Sanches, Gabor Kiraly and Aron Gunnarsson.
Fans from all 24 teams at Euro 2016 offer their thoughts on the tournament.
Scotland are looking in on the party from the outside. Again, sighs Ewan Murray.
This week’s Classic YouTube is focused, as you would hope, on Muhammad Ali. But there’s also plenty of European Championship memories, anthem gaffes and more.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
