BLUE MURDER
And so to the former footballer turned sit-down comedian Diego Costa, who has been unable to play, train or even communicate with Chelsea this summer because of his participation in the Edinburgh Fringe. Slots at the comedy festival’s town-centre venues having been taken, he found himself forced to identify a new and very extreme definition of the word “fringe” and playing to packed-out audiences of local hangers-on some 5,000 miles away in his Brazilian hometown, Lagarto. Like so many Scottish-based low-rent gag-fountains, however, it appears his August is very much accounted for.
Importantly, he’s got the jokes. So much so that when asked about Costa’s latest routine at his press conference on Friday the Chelsea manager, Antonio Conte, dissolved into uncontrollable laughter. “It’s great, it’s great,” he giggled. “I prefer to laugh. It’s funny, this interview.”
Costa doesn’t prefer to laugh, though. He takes the Jack Dee route to provoking mirth, through the vehicles of preposterous fury and senseless indignation. Among the best of his hilarious new routines, freshly revealed to a Brazilian journalist, is one where, having grown furious with the team he no longer wants to play for, he also becomes furious with the one he does want to play for, thus entering a state of wild vexation with all employers both actual and potential.
“I’ve demonstrated I care for Atlético and have interest in playing for them,” he joked at one point. “But if Atlético and Chelsea don’t come to an agreement and Atlético don’t make a big effort, I can’t keep on wanting to play for a club that isn’t going to make a bigger effort to try and sign me.”
In other words, having assimilated all the available information, Costa is becoming so peeved with the club that apparently wants to sign him that he might sign instead for a club that apparently doesn’t want to sign him, on the grounds that the club that doesn’t want to sign him wants to sign him more than the club that does want to sign him. Really, this is situational comedy at its very finest.
Some of Costa’s routine was more gently light-hearted than outright hilarious. “Chelsea offered me to several clubs but I was very clear with them,” he continued. “I said that if I’m not part of the manager’s plans, I would like to choose my destination.” This is a subtle parody, intended to contrast with the high-profile cases of Philippe Coutinho, Virgil van Dijk and Gylfi Sigurdsson, all of whom were in their managers’ plans but also wanted to choose their destinations. If Costa genuinely believed what he was saying, the result would appear to be everyone being able to go wherever they want whenever they want to, and the entire sporting world being thrown into chaos and turmoil.
“It’s not my fault that I’m not at the club. If it was down to me I’d be playing,” added Costa, who a club spokesman confirmed today has been told he “should return to Chelsea” but has so far refused. “It’s already been a month. Holidays are good but it gets tiresome.”
As a daily teatimely email published year-round the Fiver has little experience of holidays, though we did have a day off just last Easter. However we have a finely tuned sense of what gets tiresome, and it looks very much like it’s one we share with Antonio Conte.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Danny Welbeck wouldn’t believe that I could sing Drake songs off by heart. I’ll have a laugh with things that not many people would do at the age of 32. They’re like: ‘We’re the younger generation, you’re the older generation, you listen to Phil Collins and don’t understand what we’re talking about.’ Sometimes you have to understand the young generation in terms of what they do, what they feel, and you have to do it as well to keep up. So this is a guy that keeps up on and off the pitch and is not always having a go at you, he’s mixing it up” – Per Mertesacker, almost as entertaining in interview with Stuart James as he is on the dance floor.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Might I respectfully suggest that Michael Hitchen’s punning headline (Fiver letters, yesterday) would have been improved if he’d written it as ‘Kyle Walker-Peters In As Memory of Kyle Walker Peters Out’. Or was such an example of slapdash, hastily-written, needing-just-a-bit-more-work wordplay his pitch for a job at Fiver Towers?” – Barrie Francis.
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Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is Barrie Francis.
BITS AND BOBS
Tottenham look like actually doing a signing! They have agreed a deal for the 21-year-old Colombian centre-back Davinson Sánchez – a club record, indeed, at £42m – and are said to be thrashing out terms.
This time yesterday, the Fiver told you the FA was under pressure to explain itself over the rather curious Eni Aluko case. They now have explained what went on. Mostly.
Fifa have only gone and announced a load of shortlists for awards! On the blokes side, unsurprisingly two fellas called Messi and Ronaldo head up a very long shortlist (24 men!). Harry Kane’s on it. They also released their 10-strong shortlist for their 2017 women’s player of the year award and England’s Lucy Bronze and Jodie Taylor, and Australia’s Sam Kerr, are on it.
Lokomotiv Moscow legend Garry O’Connor’s been sharing old yarns about how Berti Vogts used to let the lads drink the night before Scotland games. Each player, O’Connor explained, had a personal limit, but the gaffer encouraged them to have at least a couple to level those nerves. “Bertie was a character. He was funny,” snorted O’Connor. “Before every national game, the night before we allowed to have three or four beers, or two whiskies or two vodka and cokes. That was the German mentality. It gives them a good sleep … We’re just looking at each other thinking, ‘are we gonna get p****d here?’ After your third beer you’re feeling tipsy, and you’re thinking what the hell is going on here? We’ve got a game tomorrow!” What japes!
THE RECAP
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STILL WANT MORE?
Now Neymar’s ran off to Paris, Real Madrid really are in the La Liga driving seat, so-says Sid Lowe in his season preview.
Plus, here Paolo Bandini previews Serie A, and Andy Brassell takes a look at the Bundesliga.
Tottenham had better impress on the Wembley turf, otherwise there will be more hoodoo talk, warns Paul MacInnes.
And the pod talk look back at the midweek Big Cup games and forward to another blockbuster weekend in ... Football Weekly Extra.
Eric Bailly gets his chat on with Jamie Jackson about his Abidjan roots and Manchester United being world class.
Fed up with all the to-ing and fro-ing, will Diego Costa just rock up at Everton instead? That and more in today’s Rumour Mill.
Who on earth is Pep Guardiola supposed to leave on the bench, Alberto Moreno should be dropped, and eight more things to get excited about this weekend.
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