A 1.69% CHANCE AND SOME PEP TALK
Bang on course to steer his side to a consecutive Bundesliga and DFB-Pokal double, it’s small wonder Pep Guardiola has recently been the subject of speculation regarding his future after yet another season of abject failure in charge of Bayern Munich. With that double the bare minimum required of any Bayern manager worth the salz on their Thüringer Rostbratwurst, Pep has found himself under fire since his side lost 3-1 in the opening leg of their Big Cup quarter-final against Porto. Should they fail to overcome this deficit in the Allianz Arena tonight, it will make it two seasons from two in which the mighty German behemoth has failed to even make the final. “I know which club I am at, it isn’t enough to win the Bundesliga and the Cup,” parped Pep. “Only a treble is enough, but I am proud to be here with these players.”
Considering some of the shellackings they’ve dished out to various teams in recent seasons, Bayern’s exit from the tournament tonight is by no means a foregone conclusion, but history is against them. Bespectacled eggheads wearing white coats in the Fiver Towers laboratory have squinted at bubbling test tubes, scratched complex mathematical formulae on a blackboard and revealed that, since away goals were made, the tie-breaker in the case of a draw in Big Cup and Vase, just 1.69% of teams (three out of 178) attempting to overturn a 3-1 defeat away from home in the first leg have managed to do so. What’s more, the same scientists have discovered that Bayern have never managed it in four attempts, but have promised to continue working on finding a way to turn lead into gold, which is what they’re actually supposed to be doing with their pipettes and bunsen burners.
If nothing else, Pep can take heart from the fact that both of Porto’s first-choice full-backs Alex Sandro and Danilo will be forced to watch this evening’s game from Uefa’s naughty step, a state of affairs that would almost certainly be more beneficial if Bayern wingers Arjen Robben and Franck Ribery weren’t knacked and major doubts. “Of course we’ll have to make some changes, but the way we approach the game will remain the same,” said Julen Lopetegui, helpfully stepping in to flesh out another paragraph. “We are a team without any big surprises and quite predictable: when we have the ball we want to attack; when we don’t have the ball we want to get it back. I don’t waste energy and time thinking about what will Bayern do. We need to focus on ourselves.”
Elsewhere in Munich, following the highly publicised departure of Bayern’s club doctor last week, former Bayern and Germany midfielder-turned-pundit Stefan Effenberg has warned his former club not to cede too much control to their manager. A man so controversial he once appeared in public wearing red leather trousers, Effenberg said: “Now you have to watch out so that Guardiola doesn’t get too much power and also decides who is going to make up the new medical staff. That could be dangerous for the future of Bayern.” Presumably ahead of tonight’s game the club will have a temporary physician in position.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It has occurred on and off. But something like Friday we have never experienced before. [They] were travelling to the forest – unfortunately, our [pitch] is on the way there” – FC Embrach suit Sandro Caviola on the invasion of migrating frogs that forced their game against Räterschen to croak last Friday.
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BITS AND BOBS
Professional blogger Juan Mata has congratulated Chelsea on being about to win the title. A hot take right there.
Memphis Depay is set to reject the chance to join Liverpool in favour of joining Manchester United. Can’t imagine why? Meanwhile, Chris Smalling will be with United until 2019. “Chris has improved and developed immensely during the short time that I have been at the club,” humble-bragged Louis van Gaal.
West Ham could be liable for millions of pounds in compensation after fresh questions were raised as to whether their deal to move into the Olympic Stadium contravenes European state aid laws.
Yaya Touré has been yapping once more about “new challenges” and how “PSG is a great club”. The soon-to-be-former Manchester City midfielder zinged: “No amount of wages will make me stay at a club if I feel that I no longer belong there or if no challenge exists for me.”
Speaking of City, Kevin De Bruyne’s Mr 15% has refused to rule out a move to the club for the Belgian. “For the moment, there are no formal discussions. Of course in the next few weeks I will be going around the world to talk about the situation with Kevin but this is just informal information,” he trousered, his pupils replaced by pound signs.
Ron Vlaar’s changed his tune, all right, the Aston Villa defender playing a jaunty number from the Tim Sherwood Short-Term Lift Experience’s latest album. “Now I just want to play and be important for the team. This helps – you can trust me on that,” he noodled.
The FA has fetched its not-very-scary-looking wooden spoon and threatened Villa and Reading with hefty slaps on the wrists for their fans getting a bit too giddy.
And Real Madrid will be without Karim Benzema when they exit Big Cup at the hands of their beloved neighbours tomorrow night. “He had a swollen knee and he hasn’t been able to recover,” cried Carlo Ancelotti.
STILL WANT MORE?
Corley Miller + Arsène Wenger + religion = this.
In the latest from his series of cartoons, David Squires turns his pencil on the FA Cup semi-finals: must drink some of that beer …
One year on from David Moyes’ Manchester United sacking, Jamie Jackson asks: was it really all as bad as we thought?
From Prestatyn Town to the Santiago Bernabéu: it’s goals of the week.
Michael Butler took time out of his busy schedule of wearing over-sized denim jackets to assess which January transfers have been flops and which are not.
Turns out Russian are not as well prepared for the World Cup as they should be. Who would’ve thought it, eh? Shaun Walker reports.
And this week’s edition of The Gallery stars Liverpool’s Jordan Henderson in Zoolander and a former life of glamour. Next, we want your Paul Pogbas.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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