THE LUKE SHAW CONSPIRACY
For fans of Plucky Little Manchester United, the PFA’s Premier League team of the year must have made for heartening reading. Yes, the only representative from the biggest club in England was David De Gea, whose case was strengthened by having to spend a whole season trying to second-guess Chris Smalling. Yet only someone with a rabid anti-United bias would see that as an embarrassing development, whereas the enlightened ones, the true believers and the reddest and most devilish of red devils are capable of railing against the media’s one-sided attempts to denigrate yet another wonderful season for José Mourinho.
You read that right. For what better proof is there of Plucky Little Manchester United’s lack of football heritage than five Manchester City players getting in the PFA team? This is what poor old José has been battling against all year: happy, well-coached players in a functioning team. But the media don’t want you to know that!!! They’re all Pep this, Pep that, always overlooking how brilliantly Mourinho has done to get his bunch of misfit losers into SECOND PLACE and THE LAST 16 of Big Cup, even though he’s been forced to make do with a squad so immature and unreliable that Old Trafford natives are pining for the days of William Prunier, Bebé and post-Fergie Wazziesta.
Of course, the haters will probably try to convince you that Mourinho has actually been dealt a very good hand. They’ll tell you that Paul Pogba is one of the most talented midfielders of his generation, Alexis Sánchez’s four-and-a-half year deal is reportedly worth as much as £14m a year after tax and Anthony Martial is wondering whether it might be more fun playing for Barcelona. They’ll tell you that Mourinho is a man out of his time. They’ll even tell you that his football is boring and negative!
But these people cannot be believed. They are liars and trolls who, whisper it, have been sent by Luke Shaw to spread anti-José propaganda. Do not listen to them. It is a conspiracy. The Luke Shaw Conspiracy. You cannot trust this man. Do not trust Luke Shaw. He’s the real villain of the piece, the real traitor, the evil genius who told Pogba to do all those stupid flicks and tricks against West Brom. His malign influence has even affected The Fiver, which has forgotten that it promised The Man a preview of Wednesday night’s game at the Vitality Stadium. Apparently United can cut City’s lead at the top to a mere 13 points with a win over Bournemouth. But mentioning that wouldn’t fit the narrative, would it? Exactly.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I ran so far into London that I jumped on the tube back to Morden. It was a long run and I just thought: ‘I can’t make it back.’ It was after we had played Plymouth and lost; I wasn’t happy so I thought: ‘Right, I’m going out in anger’. I ended up walking in Sainsbury’s Local with my hat, luminous shorts on, my tights on” – Chris Powell’s London Marathon training has had a few issues.
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THE FIVEЯ
Yes, it’s our not-singing, not-dancing World Cup Fiver. Out every Thursday lunchtime BST, here’s the latest edition.
FIVER LETTERS
“Maybe Freiburg should have replaced keeper, Alexander Schwolow with ex-Luton and QPR keeper Jürgen Sommer for the spot kick, as he’s better, and because everyone knows one Schwolow doesn’t make a Sommer” – Mark Robinson.
“Not to get too ‘Romanes Eunt Domus’ on The Fiver, but the exit door at Qatar FC would be labelled ‘Faites Un’ not ‘Faire Un’ because it’s a command and therefore needs an imperative rather than an infinitive” – Neil Golightly (and 1,056 others).
“So the Inter players took to the field for their game against Cagliari with their Instagram handles on the back of their shirts rather than their names. Come on Fiver, it’s time to give it another go: STOP FOOTBALL!” – Adrian Foster.
“According to Mourinho: ‘What is the criteria for a manager to choose a team? I only know one criteria: the way they play’. What a provocation to pedants! What José meant to say was ‘the way they play in an exceptionally dull, joyless funk’” – Charles Antaki.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Charles Antaki.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Fleetwood can a expect pseudo-philosophical quotes bonanza next season after they announced that Joey Barton will take over as manager on 2 June, a day after his betting ban expires.
The PFA’s annual attempt to generate below-the-line outrage has launched after including in their team of the year some players that fans of particular clubs don’t rate over other players fans of different clubs do rate.
Kyle Walker’s reputation among England fans has soared/plummeted (delete as appropriate, depending on the presence of a St George’s Cross flag on your car window) after he dramatically understated/was fiercely disloyal and unpatriotic about (delete etc and so on) England’s Ethics World Cup chances by saying they needed “a miracle”.
Meanwhile, the FA has crowbarred in meaningless friendlies with Switzerland and the USA! USA!! USA!!! in the autumn to really ram home the feel-good spirit of that early World Cup exit.
Jan Vertonghen reckons the fact Wembley now fits Tottenham like an old cardigan and a pair of well-worn slippers will be an advantage against Manchester United in Saturday’s FA Cup semi-final. “We feel very comfortable at Wembley, we’ve shown that,” he chillaxed.
Antonio Conte’s latest act in his war of attrition with the Chelsea board is to take a sideswipe at their level of investment while appearing to congratulate Manchester City on the title. “They have an important squad with great players and are a club that want to invest and improve,” he moustache-twirled.
And the fan who ventured on to the pitch during Rochdale’s 0-0 draw with Oldham to offer referee Peter Bankes his full and frank opinion, did so with a pocket full of gear and has been slapped with a police charge of pitch encroachment, possession of Class As and a section 4 public order offence. So that went well for him.
STILL WANT MORE?
Ever wanted to know which Belgian side once fielded an entire side of Ivorians or whether Botswana goalkeeper Modiri Marumo was once sent off for punching someone in the face during a penalty shoot-out? Wonder no longer, because here’s the Knowledge.
Niall McVeigh finally answers the question posed by the Milk Marketing Board in 1989, by letting everyone know exactly who Accrington Stanley are.
It turns out there are other decent players besides Ryan Sessegnon in the Championship. Who knew? Martin Laurence, that’s who.
John Deurden rattles out 1000 words on why El Clásico might be about to become El Cl-asia-co.
What to do with Atlanta’s unused park-and-ride parking lots? Stick a five-a-side pitch on them, reports Matthew Hall.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
