Name: Denise
Appearance: Short, dead-eyed, looks a bit like a pig.
Do you realise how offensive you’re being here? I’m outraged. You wait until I tell Twitter about this. No, wait, stop. Denise looks like a pig because she is a pig. She’s a Muppet.
A Muppet? Like Miss Piggy? She is like Miss Piggy, but she definitely isn’t Miss Piggy. According to reports, Denise is Kermit the Frog’s new girlfriend.
Kermit and Miss Piggy broke up? But they were so good together. Are you kidding? They were awful. They were toxic and co-dependent, trapped in a joyless cycle of commitment-dodging and physical abuse. They were the worst couple in history.
Yes, but who is Denise exactly? All we know is that she is apparently a head of marketing at ABC – conveniently, the network that will air the new Muppets TV show in the US later this month – plus she’s a pig.
Wow, Kermit really has a type, doesn’t he? Only in that Denise and Miss Piggy are both pigs. They will be truly similar only if Denise suddenly becomes a dangerous egotist and starts beating up Kermit for kicks.
And how has Miss Piggy taken this news? Well, the actor Liam Hemsworth recently posted an Instagram shot where he is gazing adoringly into her eyes, so maybe that says something.
He certainly seems like a step up from Kermit. Does he? What if they have children? Is the idea of a tiny, squealing, deformed pig-human hybrid really any less horrific than the idea of a tiny, squealing, deformed frog-pig hybrid?
I can’t say I’ve given it any thought. Well, do it. Give it some thought.
OK, I think a pig-man is probably slightly worse than a frog-pig. So what you’re saying is that you want Kermit and Miss Piggy to get back together?
I think so. You’re a terrible person. Also, you’re in luck because the Kermit-Piggy relationship will probably be central to the new Muppets show, or else ABC wouldn’t be busting a gut trying to sell a non-starter like Denise to us. Also, the Muppets are fictional and none of this matters.
Do say: “Please welcome Denise to the Muppet family!”
Don’t say: “Remember Mildred Huxtetter?”
