The secret is out. A US study, published in the Journal of Public Economics, says that more attractive people tend to politically identify as Conservative/Republican and that it’s precisely because they are so gorgeous that they have such a hard time believing that less fortunate people may need state help.
This not only explains President Trump’s pretty little face (reminiscent of an inquisitive chimp’s reflection in a puddle of Irn-Bru), but it also exposes a dark truth at the heart of modern British politics – the constant parade of Tory beefcake, which makes it difficult for the rest of us to concentrate.
As a red-blooded heterosexual woman, I can only comment on male Tories who have caught my beady lustful eye – apologies to anyone who feels left out. (Give a gal a chance – leading Conservatives resemble a male rightwing beauty pageant.) What woman doesn’t secretly yearn to catch the darting, ferrety eye of foreign secretary, Boris Johnson, who increasingly looks like a Ken doll gone to seed and who’s sleeping in his car?
Who hasn’t noticed that secretary of state for international trade, Liam Fox, exudes the statesmanlike grace of Withnail & I’s Uncle Monty? Who wouldn’t quiver, blushing, at the thought of making a secret assignation with Jacob Rees-Mogg somewhere he feels more comfortable – say, the Battle of Agincourt?
Then there’s Iain Duncan Smith (surely anyone’s first choice for Mr February on the hopefully forthcoming nude-Brexit calendar). IDS may resemble an egg with legs, but this is what women want. Liberals just have to face it – there’s a Tory hottie epidemic and no one is erotically immune.
Personally, I’m happy to admit that any vitriol I’ve ever aimed at these men has been a direct result of embittered, unrequited ardour. All that remains is to ask: when is there going to be a public inquiry into the way these dreamboats have exploited their sexiness to get ahead?
