THE ONLY WAY IS (BIG) CUP, BABY!
Watch out Europe, here come Tottenham Hotspur! OK, Europe, maybe you can come out from behind the sofa and have a look. It seems there’s no need to be afraid because Tottenham have so far been about as comfortable as an iceskating hippo during their Big Cup outings this season, unlike Leicester City, who can guarantee qualification to the last 16 if they draw with Group G stragglers Club Brugge. Leicester sunk further towards a relegation battle when they lost at Watford at the weekend, but don’t let that fool you, they’ll probably beat the Belgians 6-0, Robert Huth and Wes Morgan scoring hat-tricks. The champions can be forgiven for giving themselves every weekend off so far this season, they are nursing the mother of all hangovers after all, and clearly they’ve decided to save themselves for Big Cup by adopting a maverick approach to domestic football.
Alternatively Leicester’s dramatic loss of form is down to their players confusing themselves by trying to work out exactly what Claudio Ranieri’s trademark “dilly-ding dilly-dong” catchphrase means, since when they’ve stopped being good at football because their brains have exploded. If that’s the case, their likely progress hasn’t done Tottenham any favours. Lobotomised Leicester are treating their opponents in Europe with all the disdain of a Brexiteer telling his Italian counterpart that he once took a prosecco-making course, so everything’s absolutely fine, bugger off. Tottenham, meanwhile, are challenging at the top of the Premier League and still haven’t lost a league game. But look at the state of them in Europe. Life’s not fair, is it?
Mauricio Pochettino’s young side need to be careful. After one win from their first four matches in Group E, they’re on the brink of not being allowed to play with the big boys any more. Defeat at Monaco, who gave them a bit of a lesson at Wembley in September, could see Tottenham drop into the less demanding Big Vase environment, where they’ll see Wayne Rooney trying to play the piano if they look to their right and Phil Jones gurning at himself in a mirror if they look to their left.
In order to avoid that fate, Tottenham need a positive result against Leonardo Jardim’s talented side. “We need to believe in ourselves and be ready for any eventuality,” Tottenham goalkeeper Hugo Lloris reckons, but Monaco are second in Ligue 1, are scoring goals for fun and have former Manchester United and Chelsea disappointment in Radamel Falcao in red-hot form up front. Then again, Tottenham are feeling good about themselves after their stirring comeback victory against West Ham on Saturday and Harry Kane has scored three goals in two matches since recovering from his ankle knack. The great escape could be on, although the Fiver’s faith in Tottenham’s chances lowers significantly whenever it reminds itself that Jardim won’t be chucking on Havard Nordtveit for Dimitri Payet with five minutes to go.
LIVE BIG CUP ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT!
Join Paul Doyle for Monaco 1-2 Spurs and Simon Burnton for Leicester 1-0 Club Brugge at 7.45pm GMT.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Lots of people stay in one place throughout their career, but I’ve travelled around like Napoleon, and conquered every new country where I’ve set foot. So perhaps I should do what Napoleon didn’t and cross the Atlantic and conquer the States as well” – Zlatan Ibrahimovic puts Donald Trump on alert.
QUOTE OF THE DAY II
“What’s more believable: Loch Ness Monster or Messi being human?” – a Spanish hack goes to depths even the Fiver would steer clear of when asking Brendan Rodgers a question in the press conference for Barça’s visit to the Queen’s Celtic.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re Baggies v Burnley: nil-nil eh? Hi foot say hello to mouth. Lol as the kids say” – Tony Clewes (and loads of others readers who should really be acting their age).
“If I wasn’t reading The Fiver on my phone I’d have thrown it down in disgust that James Treacy’s letter didn’t win Letter o’ the Day in Monday’s Fiver. A man who actually remembers Bobby Moore playing relays a story that links relevantly to the Wayne Rooney drinking shambles – journalistic gold surely. In this post-truth world I rushed to write this before I could be bothered following the links in the actual letter of the day but I’m sure it wasn’t any good” – Mark Harwood.
“I was at that game when the Tangerines stuffed Taxpayers FC after Sir Bobby’s alleged night on the sauce. Somebody must have noticed his pre-match deneanour (or maybe heard it through the dressing room walls) because Blackpool adopted the unusual tactic of having a nippy forward- the wonderful Tony Green, mark a defender, the saintly Bobby - rather than the other way round. Tony was under his feet when Blackpool didn’t have the ball and nowhere to be seen when they got it, dragging England’s captain from the Pleasure Beach to North Pier in a forlorn attemp to catch up with him. Magical. Football lost a great prospect when injury cut short Tony’s career at Newcastle” – Steve Murphy.
“Who says drinking and football don’t mix? Many years ago our end of season dinner proudly presented none other than Ludo Miklosko as guest speaker (yeah, I know). With the West Ham keeper apparently too polite to turn down the offer of a drink, he had a whale of a time – even accompanying a group of us to a local night club (the long-lost Charlie Chan’s) for ‘afters’. The date of this little event? 13 May, 1995. The next day Ludo almost single-handedly denied Man Utd the title and, ultimately, the double with a virtuoso performance between the sticks!” – David Chapple.
“After Herr Klinsmann’s perfectly timed call-to-arms that he is 1000% sure of USA! USA!! USA!!! qualification (yesterday’s bits and bobs), may I be the first of 1,057 bored lurkers to suggest there is now only one way to make America great again – Big Sam for Uncle Sam” – Rion Barker.
“Could I be the first of 1,057 panic-stricken, perennial writer’s-block-suffering Letters section pedants to notice that the supply levels of Football Manager 2017 have suddenly moved from ‘plenty’ to ‘a few more’. Considering I’m now hunched over a laptop, Purple Tin in hand forlornly hoping for inspiration to strike with very little journalistic nous to work with, this makes me just like the Fiver. Now we’re best friends, could I have my copy now?” – Chris McHugh.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is David Chapple, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2017 from those good people at Football Manager Towers, and it’s out now! We’ve still got a few copies left, so if you want one, keep the letters coming.
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RECOMMENDED LOOKING!
David Squires on … Caretaker Gareth’s England job interview.
BITS AND BOBS
Serge Aurier has been denied entry to Britain for PSG’s Big Cup clash with Arsenal tomorrow due to an assault charge hanging over him in France. “Paris Saint-Germain is stunned by this incomprehensible situation that attacks the very integrity of the [Big Cup],” blared a PSG suit.
Stadium sleepover part one: Manchester United have opened an investigation after two supporters stayed the night at Old Trafford last Friday having broken off from a stadium tour, before 75,000 others snoozed through the first half of their draw with Arsenal on Saturday lunchtime.
Stadium sleepover part two: Everton’s Under-23s have been signed up by David Unsworth to spend the night at Goodison Park to raise funds for a homeless charity. “Everyone deserves a chance in life and at times we don’t realise just how lucky we are so it’ll be great for us to get involved and give back,” cheered captain Jonjoe Kenny.
Bruce Arena is tipped to take charge of USA! USA!! USA!!! for a second time after Jürgen Klinsmann was thrown through the door marked Do One.
$tevie Mbe has turned down a chance to work in Milton Keynes. “I don’t think he is fully ready yet,” trilled Jamie Carragher. “Maybe he wants to see if he can get more experience.”
Arsène Wenger insists that he didn’t put Alexis Sánchez’s hamstring at risk of twanging into a thousand different bits by playing him at Manchester United. “I have never forced anyone to play in my life,” sniffed Wenger. “I’ve never demanded anyone should be injected to play.”
And Storm Angus has tried to revive the STOP FOOTBALL campaign by dumping so much water on Huish Park that Yeovil v Crawley has been called off. “Somerset has bore the brunt of Storm Angus over the last few days, resulting in standing water on the centre circle and at the far end of the pitch towards the Radio Cabs Away End,” sniffed a soggy Yeovil suit.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
A Jon Dahl Tomasson tribute from the Serbian fourth tier.
STILL WANT MORE?
“What’s this geezer doing? He’s hopeless!” Football’s biggest phoney isn’t The Fiver, no, it’s Ali Dia. And here’s his story 20 years on.
Radamel Falcao has remembered how to play football again – and Spurs must stop him to keep their Big Cup hopes alive, warns Paul Doyle.
Tony Cowards reckons listening to football on the radio is better than watching it on TV. Unless Robbie Savage is involved, obviously.
“Antonio Conte is obsessed with the fitness and physicality of his players, brooding over sprockets and hinges like an F1 pit boss, shifting his team on reports of twinges and twangs.” Barney Ronay on how Chelsea’s manager has stamped his personality all over his team.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
