Right, that’s your lot. I’ll leave you with one more shot of a banal trophy, for the road. Goodnight!
@NickMiller79 Händelcup 2007. 5-a-side tournament in Germany which our team of English-speakers won…on penalties! pic.twitter.com/nBWmkXjm8a
— Chris (@onedavebamber) April 26, 2015
So, to summarise for those of you who can’t be arsed to scroll down a bit, here are the winners of the awards announced tonight:
- PFA Player of the Year: Eden Hazard.
- PFA Young Player of the Year: Harry Kane
- Women’s Player of the Year: Ji So-yun
- Women’s Young Player of the Year: Leah Williamson
- PFA Merit Award: Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard
Here’s 51 seconds of pure fried gold from the PFA Player of the Year...
VIDEO: @ChelseaFC's @hazardeden10 is crowned the PFA Players' Player of the Year award! #PFAawards https://t.co/LjMRSWYBtz
— PFA (@PFA) April 26, 2015
Hazard is asked about potential interest from Real Madrid, and says: “No, I’m staying.”
In fairness, it would’ve been a majestically-timed announcement if he said he was off.
Second was Kane, third David de Gea. Which is nice for both of them.
Eden Hazard wins PFA Player of the Year award
To the surprise of precisely nobody. And well-deserved it is too.
Here’s his charisma-packed reaction: “I’m very happy. One day I want to be the best and what I did this season is play very well, Chelsea played very well. I don’t know if I deserve to win but it is good for me. It is good, it is better to be voted by the players - they know everything about football. This is good. I’m very happy.”
“We are almost champions, maybe this is the key. Last season we finished third and this season we have an opportunity to win the league. This has changed from last season.
“I continue like I did last season - I try to be the same. I try to score more goals than last season. Personally I have played a good season, I have been there in the big games and I scored a lot of important goals, this is why I’m better this season.”
And the big one is coming up.
The tension is unbearable...
Harry Kane wins Young Player of the Year
The second biggest non-surprise of the evening. Eden Hazard was second in the voting. IS THAT AN OMEN FOR THE MAIN AWARD?
Kane said: “It is amazing. It is a very proud moment for myself and my family - hopefully the first of many to come,” Kane said of his award.
“I have got to keep working hard, but to be recognised by your fellow players is something special and it is a night I wont forget.
“It is incredible, an incredible feeling.”
Asked to sum up his season in one word, Kane went for: “Unreal.”
@NickMiller79 Who's going to win the GE (assuming we don't already know by the time this is over)?
— Christine Deudney (@Pops_Mum) April 26, 2015
Jesse Jackson. He’s running, right?
A match between 11 duck sized Harry Kanes and one Harry Kane sized duck? - Thomas Wolldridge
I’ll take the duck-sized Harry Kanes.
Have you got a good name for the band I’ve just founded? - Patrick Michael Hull
Steve.
Ji So-yun wins Women's Player of the Year
She said: “It is a big honour to receive this award - I want to thank Chelsea Ladies’ players and staff.
“I’m really, really happy to be nominated alongside Hazard, I’m really proud of myself and Chelsea, and the Chelsea Ladies team.”
@NickMiller79 Quick, switch to liveblogging in German. OR start tweeting old jokes at people covering never-ending awards presentations.
— Chris Deeley (@ThatChris1209) April 26, 2015
Ja.
@NickMiller79 would you rather fight a shark on land or a lion in water?
— Dan Goodman (@dn_gdmn) April 26, 2015
Shark on land. Lion could have waterwings on.
Leah Williamson wins Women's Young Player of the Year
An announcement! A thing!
If you were to have a dinner party and could invite one cartoon character to it. Who would you invite? - Steven Billing
The owner of Tom from Tom & Jerry. She’s just a voice and a pair of feet so I wouldn’t have to cook anything and could just have a bacon sandwich.
Being a Spurs fan I hope Kane wins it. Do you have any inside information regarding summer transfers ? - Trevor Titmus
Yes - Arsenal are preparing a £2million bid for Kane. Daniel Levy will negotiate them up to £2.25million.
@NickMiller79 should I tell her I like her? that's the big question mate
— GOML (@CeenileOldman) April 26, 2015
No. She’s almost certainly out of your league and you’re going to die alone.
@NickMiller79 can you take bets on what implement Alan Shearer is going to use to murder Robbie Savage live on MOTD?
— Leo Watkins (@leowatkins) April 26, 2015
The scarf he’s got in that advert where he takes Newcastle tickets to kids who don’t want them.
@NickMiller79 What advice would you give someone who wants to avoid having to do MBM reports of tedious awards shows...ohwaitnevermind.
— Tom Price (@sixstringtom) April 26, 2015
Let’s not be a smartarse now, Tom.
@NickMiller79 wots best way of staying awake. U must be an expert by now
— Smiffy (@marksmith51035) April 26, 2015
Punch yourself in the face every two minutes and have a little cry. Working for me so far.
Christ this is dragging on. Times like this one of those nodding bird things that Homer uses in the episode he works from home would be useful. Of course, that nearly caused a nuclear meltdown, but the stakes aren’t quite as high here at the Guardian. Anyone got any questions? Doesn’t have to be about football - just general advice on life.
Email nick.miller@theguardian.com or tweet @NickMiller79
Updated
For those asking, I have absolutely no idea when the awards are being announced. Presumably they’re getting all the chateauneuf du pape quaffing out of the way first.
Nice selection here, although that one on the far left is a little flamboyant for my liking. It isn’t sure what it wants to be, either - is it a trophy? Is it a shield? Is it a cup?
@NickMiller79 Just some of the trophies, My favourite being most improved player from chelsea soccer schools. pic.twitter.com/HgTOtDqcTp
— Dave McClelland (@daveinho98) April 26, 2015
Trophy update. Textbook stuff here - shield with a football on it, cup with a disproportionately big base. Lovely.
@NickMiller79 My only football tournament win Gedney Under 11s 6-a-side and the famous Camp Champ FPL trophy. pic.twitter.com/tz1urEHjlk
— Daniel Hicks (@ddm_hicks) April 26, 2015
The ‘turn’ is on. One imagines he’ll cause less of a ludicrous stir than Reginald D Hunter.
Jason Manford ran his PFA comedy script past Malky Mackay. Lovely banter.
— Alan Smith (@alansmith90) April 26, 2015
Clive Allen won the thing in 1987. As you’ll recall, he had a brief spell as a kicker for short-lived American football team the London Monarchs after his playing career ended.
Nothing much appears to be happening at the moment. This is excitement in action. Here’s another trophy from a bloke on Twitter. Feel free to send in pictures of your favourite trophies. The more banal the better.
@NickMiller79 the peak of my football trophy career, penalty king 02/03 season pic.twitter.com/mwcwmVhK7u
— Max Mclean (@maxmclean10) April 26, 2015
Would stick with ‘Your Engraving Here’ too, never mind who wins...
The PFA trophy's a bit much. All individual football awards should be this chap with a side-parting & plastic plinth. pic.twitter.com/OrYZUOd4z6
— Football Clichés (@FootballCliches) April 26, 2015
Gary Lineker lifted the award back in 1986, the season he scored 38 goals for Everton. He then left for Barcelona, and invited Willie Thorne out to share some drinks.
Here’s Phil Coutinho with the little trinket you get for getting in the team of the year. He looks pretty happy about it, too.
Here’s Ritchie Humphreys, chairman of the PFA, giving his speech. Or reading some experimental poetry. Difficult to tell, really.
Fantastic evening so far at the @PFA awards #PFAawards pic.twitter.com/BTtJQBBzM6
— Ritchie Humphreys (@ritchiehumphs) April 26, 2015
Kenny Dalglish won in 1983. Here he is catching up on some correspondence.
Thierry Henry is at the do, and I can exclusively reveal that he is wearing the same clothes he was for his punditry gig on Sky earlier.
Seems that whoever used to design the typeface for RL Stine's Goosebumps books has since been employed by the PFA pic.twitter.com/AYDlomQtd6
— Alex Hess (@A_Hess) April 26, 2015
Another former winner, Terry McDermott, lifted the prize in 1980. Here he is playing cards with Phil Thompson on the Charity Shield.
In his acceptance speech, Steven Gerrard says he’s looking forward to playing in the Major League Soccer, but afterwards he’d like to come back for a job at Liverpool. What job, isn’t clear.
“Hard work, sacrifice, a bit of luck along the way and to be surrounded by great staff,” says Gerrard, when asked about the secret of his success.
Quick story about Gerrard, that makes me laugh much more than it probably should. He was on the phone to someone while going round a supermarket with his wife, but he broke off halfway through the conversation to turn to said wife and say: “How many times do I have to tell you - I can’t eat fuckin’ Pringles.”
Norman Whiteside doesn’t seem that impressed about it, mind...
For what exactly ? https://t.co/mkBmWnZ8DR
— Norman Whiteside (@NormanWhiteside) April 26, 2015
Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard have been given the PFA Merit Award, which seems to be the equivalent of a lifetime achievement thing they give to people like Paul Weller at the Brits every year.
Still, bit weird that they’ve raided someone’s nan’s hearth to get a couple of trophies for it.
Huge congratulations to Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard who receive the PFA Merit Award! #PFAawards pic.twitter.com/l4g7hNf0H5
— PFA (@PFA) April 26, 2015
The internet is weird...
@PFA Excellent account, you are the best, could you please follow me? I'm a big fan of you! Thank you and please don't ignore me!
— Alejandro Arreola (@AlexDaHitman) April 26, 2015
Another past winner, Andy Gray, who lifted the top award in 1977 (becoming the first of three players to also win young player in the same year). Here he is in the suit he wore to the ceremony.
A nice moment as a tribute is paid to Dylan Tombides, the West Ham youth player who died earlier this year of testicular cancer, aged just 20. For more on Tombides, Daniel Taylor wrote about him earlier this year:
His next three years are a reminder what a callous, indiscriminate disease this is, and the horrors its sufferers have to go through. It’s brutal, chemotherapy. It strips your muscles, it wipes you out, it tests your sanity. There is an old quote: “The goal is pretty much to kill everything in your body without killing you.” And every time those little drips of poison appeared to have beaten the cancer, every time Dylan and his family thought they could start to live properly again, it returned within six to eight weeks, stronger than before.
He was dying a slow death but, boy, he did everything he could to try to see the bastard off. Dylan is not the first professional footballer to contract cancer. He may be the first, though, to continue playing during the ordeal. He made his debut for West Ham with the disease in his body. He played in the Asian Under-22 Championships in Oman three weeks after intensive chemotherapy.
How ‘bout some past winners, eh? Going back to the start, Norman Hunter won the first award in 1974, and said a few years ago about it:
To me personally it meant everything. It was one of the best things that had ever happened to me. My fellow pros voting for me, a defender, with the reputation I had? It gave me a lot of pleasure and a lot of satisfaction. It was definitely one of the best moments in my career without a doubt and from a personal point of view probably the best. It was the first one. Everybody was in there for it. The gaffer told me - and how he knew I don’t know - that I was going to win it and he was right.
Among the pros I got a lot of congratulations. I had this reputation and all that went with it, but players weren’t going to vote for you if you couldn’t do the other things well, it’s as simple as that. If all I could do was tackle and supposedly kick people and things like that, all the players of the day would certainly not have voted for me, so for me personally it was the best recognition. You just don’t get that award if you can’t play. It’s the top award for any footballer.
Excitement mounts as people start arriving at a place. Specifically football players, at the awards. It doesn’t get more thrilling than this, people...
VIDEO: @ManUtd's @youngy18, @WayneRooney & award nominee @D_DeGea arrive at the #PFAawards! pic.twitter.com/cD88Jv1Fsp
— PFA (@PFA) April 26, 2015
Ben, North London, dons his tinfoil hat to write: “Harry Kane clearly deserves the award. If Hazard wins then the pro Chelsea conspiracy will be proven correct.”
Speaking of conspiracy theories, there’s an absolutely sensational one stating that Tupac is still alive and well, one of the pieces of ‘evidence’ for which is that whoever ‘shot’ him fired loads of bullets but none of them hit Suge Knight (who has his own problems at the moment), who is a big man, and therefore should’ve been hit.
In fact, there are loads along similar lines. Here are some.
Apparently the Charlatans are part of the entertainment for the evening. Hopefully clad in similar outerwear to this...
First email of the night is in. Presumably the punchline to this is that he’s 29:
“Hi, My daddy is at this award evening and I really hope he has a good time his name is Chris Evans - not the ginger one - my daddy has not much hair
Enjoy your night
Jacob Evans”
Enjoy your night too, Jacob. What a very nice young man.
And finally the women’s team of the year...
Carly Telford (Notts County); Lucy Bronze (Liverpool); Rachel Corsie (Notts County), Casey Stoney (Arsenal), Emma Mitchell (Arsenal); Jill Scott (Manchester City), Karen Carney (Birmingham), Ji So-Yun (Chelsea), Josanne Potter (Birmingham); Eniola Aluko (Chelsea), Nikita Parris (Everton)
Congratulations to @FAWSL 1 PFA Team of the Year! #PFAawards pic.twitter.com/6fgheJi0RR
— PFA (@PFA) April 26, 2015
And now the Premier League...
David de Gea (Manchester United); Branislav Ivanovic (Chelsea), John Terry (Chelsea), Gary Cahill (Chelsea), Ryan Bertrand (Southampton); Nemanja Matic (Chelsea), Philippe Coutinho (Liverpool), Eden Hazard (Chelsea), Alexis Sánchez (Arsenal); Diego Costa (Chelsea), Harry Kane (Tottenham)
Congratulations to the Barclays @PremierLeague PFA Team of the Year! #PFAawards pic.twitter.com/OL4VulUv7T
— PFA (@PFA) April 26, 2015
And then there’s the Championship...
Keiren Westwood (Sheffield Wednesday); Simon Francis (Bournemouth), Russell Martin (Norwich), Richard Keogh (Derby County), George Friend (Middlesbrough); Grant Leadbitter (Middlesbrough), Matt Ritchie (Bournemouth), Bakary Sako (Wolves), Alex Pritchard (Brentford); Daryl Murphy (Ipswich), Troy Deeney (Watford)
Congratulations to the PFA @SkyBetChamp Team of the Year! #PFAawards pic.twitter.com/iMTgIFKAuS
— PFA (@PFA) April 26, 2015
And here’s League One...
Frank Fielding (Bristol City); Nathan Byrne (Swindon), Aden Flint (Bristol City), Tom Clarke (Preston), Joe Bryan (Bristol City); Luke Freeman (Bristol City); Massimo Luongo (Swindon); Korey Smith (Bristol City); Dele Alli (MK Dons); Joe Garner (Preston), Eoin Doyle (Chesterfield)
Here is the PFA @SkyBetLeague1 Team of the Year - congratulations! #PFAawards pic.twitter.com/aS3ZAtHU6F
— PFA (@PFA) April 26, 2015
As you’ll probably already know, they announced the teams of the year earlier, and here they are, in reverse order...League Two:
Daniel Bentley (Southend); Phil Edwards (Burton Albion), Steve McNulty (Luton), Conor Goldson (Shrewsbury), Ben Coker (Southend); Jed Wallace (Portsmouth), Danny Mayor (Bury), Matt Grimes (Exeter), Ryan Woods (Shrewsbury); Matt Tubbs (Portsmouth) Reuben Reid (Plymouth).
Congratulations to the @SkyBetLeague2 Team of the Year! #PFAawards pic.twitter.com/SrgbmwSrUx
— PFA (@PFA) April 26, 2015
So, here we are. The annual distribution of peer-voted trinkets, the worth of an entire season boiled down to who gets the biggest collection of Xs in their respective boxes. There’s probably room at this point for an extended riff on this being just like the election (because that’s soon, isn’t it! The election! Soon! It also features voting!), but we’re all better than that, and if we go down the ‘footballers as political parties’ route then we could head for some pretty choppy waters.
Even though we probably all know who’s going to win, it is worth familiarising ourselves with the nominees, so here they are:
PFA Player of the Year
- Eden Hazard - Chelsea
- David de Hea - Manchester United
- Alexis Sanchez - Arsenal
- Harry Kane - Tottenham Hotspur
- Philippe Coutinho - Liverpool
- Diego Costa - Chelsea
PFA Young Player of the Year
- Thibaut Courtois - Chelsea
- David de Gea - Manchester United
- Harry Kane - Tottenham Hotspur
- Raheem Sterling - Liverpool
- Philippe Coutinho - Liverpool
- Eden Hazard - Chelsea
PFA Women’s Player of the Year
- Eni Aluko - Chelsea
- Lucy Bronze - Manchester City
- Karen Carney - Birmingham City
- Jess Clarke - Notts County
- Kelly Smith - Arsenal
- Ji So-Yun - Chelsea
PFA Women’s Young Player of the Year
- Freda Ayisi - Birmingham City
- Hannah Blundell - Chelsea
- Aoife Mannion - Chelsea
- Nikita Parris - Manchester City
- Amy Turner - Notts County
- Leah Williamson - Arsenal
Six Chelsea players feature in the PFA’s Premier League team of the year, which was announced on Twitter ahead of tonight’s PFA Awards ceremony.
Player of the Year nominees Diego Costa and Eden Hazard are joined in the team by defenders John Terry, Gary Cahill, Branislav Ivanovic and midfielder Nemanja Matic, while Harry Kane features after scoring 31 goals for Tottenham this season.
Manchester United’s David de Gea is named in goal, with fellow Player of the Year nominees Philippe Coutinho and Alexis Sánchez also included. Southampton’s Ryan Bertrand, who joined the Saints permanently from Chelsea in January, completes the team at left-back.
But who will win the main award? Nick Miller will be here shortly to take you through the ceremony.
