In Pete Hegseth‘s barmy speech to hundreds of senior military officers at the end of September, he repeatedly emphasized that America’s troops should not only be ready to kill, but they must look real sexy while they’re doing it.
He said: “Frankly, it’s tiring to look out at combat formations, or really any formation, and see fat troops”. He moved on, vowing to ban “fat generals and admirals”, as part of a push to improve “male physical standards” of beauty, grooming, and fitness in the military. The message is clear: a ban on bellies, way more tight six packs.
So you imagine his rage when pictures emerged of the podgy, slovenly, and very unsexy Texas National Guard being deployed in Texas. It’s easy to imagine him furiously thumping his desk at the Pentagon and demanding that a confused staffer send them home and replace them with some bona fide hunks.
Well, imagine no more, because that’s what just happened. According to reports in the military outlet Task & Purpose, many Texas National Guard members have been deemed not “in compliance” with current beauty and fitness standards and sent home, possibly for a makeover and some Mounjaro shots.
A photo of soldiers in Chicago went viral last week, with commenters pointing out the irony of Hegseth’s comments in a Sept. 30 gathering of hundreds of military commanders. https://t.co/UHpjT7c3OV
— Bayliss Wagner (@baylisswagner) October 13, 2025
No time to find enough hot fascists
Their spokesman frantically issued a statement, explaining that the speed of the deployment meant there simply wasn’t enough time to find appropriately sexy guardsmen:
“In less than 24 hours, Texas National Guardsmen mobilized for the Federal Protection Mission. The speed of the response necessitated a concurrent validation process, during which we identified a small group of service members who were not in compliance and have been replaced.”
But don’t fret, Chicagoans, if Hegseth has anything to say about it, you will indeed soon be oppressed by some outright hotties:
“When mobilizing for active duty, members go through a validation process to ensure they meet those requirements. On the rare occasions when members are found not in compliance, they will not go on mission. They will be returned to their home station, and replacements who do meet standards will take their places.”
Frankly, if there’s going to be a jackboot stamping on my head, I want the person wearing it to take pride in their appearance. Sure, I’d rather not get my head stamped on at all, but it just rubs salt into the wound if the guy doing it has Cheeto crumbs on his uniform and a beer belly poking out from underneath his body armor.
